Do Rejection Fears Rule Your Life?

Are you one of those people who’s very confident, who makes new friends easily, who has no trouble asking someone for a date?

Or are you a person who lacks confidence, who fears rejection, who is constantly worried about whether other people really like him, or will reject him? Does your fear of being rejected make you lonely and miserable?

If you are one of those people who lacks confidence, you probably look with envy at those who are socially confident, wondering what their secret is.

For most of my life I was one of those who lacked confidence in every aspect of my life, and especially I lacked social confidence. I lacked confidence in my ability to make people like me, and if someone rejected me, I felt devastated for months at a time.

I have had to learn the hard way how to make friends, how to have a social life. How to get over the fear of rejection.

Here are some of the things I have discovered.

People who genuinely have a lot of confidence were probably lucky enough to grow up in a family where they felt secure and valued. If they didn’t grow up in such a family, they probably had to do a lot of emotional work to learn to feel secure as adults, perhaps they have even had a lot of therapy.

People who lack social confidence and who constantly fear getting judged and rejected by others may have been born with a very sensitive nervous system. But it’s also probable that they grew up in a family that didn’t offer them very much love or reassurance. They may even have been neglected or abused.

When you grow up feeling very insecure, you constantly fear that any friendship or relationship around you can vanish at any second. Because of the faulty thinking patterns you have grown up with, you are always convinced that any seeming rejection must all be your fault. You fear being rejected because you are not good enough. You fear approaching other people socially because any rejection by others triggers a nightmare of cruel self talk inside you.

If your rejection fears are this extreme, you would probably benefit a lot from seeing a very good therapist who is compassionate and wise, who is successful in helping people with this sort of problem.

If your fear of rejection is not this extreme, you can learn to talk back to your fear. You may need help to see when you are being unreasonable and exaggerating things. You will need to find courage to approach other people socially despite your fears.

Remind yourself of the benefits you will gain if you can get over your rejection fears. A happy social life, lots of friends, a good family life with a devoted partner. All these are possible if you learn to get over your rejection fears, but they are nearly impossible when your fear of rejection rules your life.

Tell yourself you will take the steps you need to overcome your rejection fears.