How To Make My Husband Understand My Feelings: My Husband Doesn't Understand Me At All

How To Make My Husband Understand My Feelings: My Husband Doesn't Understand Me At All

Couples often come into counseling with one spouse complaining about the other spouse's lack of emotional involvement in the relationship. They each give very different meaning to the interaction that they have in their relationship. The spouse that has been described as emotionally unavailable or uninvolved, often views the other partner as critical and demanding, and feels as if s/he is in a no-win situation.

In some ways each party is probably trying very hard to show the other partner that he or she is loved. The problem is that each brings to the relationship beliefs, attitudes, and emotional baggage about how to go about it. Unfortunately, most couples will not share the same beliefs, attitudes, and early life learning. So, of course their ideas and their methods will not match the other person's expectations. They won't give the same meaning to the same events.

Each party wants to feel loved, important, valued, and respected. Many times, one or both partners expect the other partner to know what they want or need, and to give it to them without having to ask for it. This expectation of mind-reading gets in the way of feeling loved and important. It gets in the way of effective communication and problem solving. It virtually guarantees that the person expecting the other "to know" will be hurt and disappointed. Most couples are not so "tuned in" to each other that they finish each other's sentences. Yet that is often an expectation of the one of the partners.

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It is crucial when trying to communicate, and ultimately to problem solve on relationship issues in your life, that you have the ability to identify and communicate feelings. Many people have a difficult time identifying exactly what it is that they do feel. Some people have had inadequate training in recognizing that they are having a feeling then appropriately labeling that feeling. It is very difficult to tell someone else what you are feeling if you don't have the vocabulary to accomplish it. To assist in correctly identifying and labeling the feeling, use this exercise:

Remember a recent event when you felt angry. Then explore these questions:
- What does anger feel like in your body?
- Does your heart beat faster/race?
- Does your breathing quicken?
- Do you breath more shallowly or more deeply?
- What does your stomach/guts do? Are they churning; do they feel hard, or do you feel nauseated?
- What do your muscles do? Are you tense? Does your hand ball up into a fist?
- Does Your blood pressure go up? Do you turn red? Do you have a vein that sticks out and throbs.
- Is your chest tight?
- Do you experience high energy or low energy. Do you feel compelled to take some action? What kind of action?

What does your body feel like when you experience fear? Does your body experience some of the same things that you do with anger? What is the difference? Can you tell the difference when you experience either feeling?

What does hurt feel like?

- Heart beat/pulse fast or slow
- Breathing fast or slow; deep or shallow
- Stomach/Guts nausea or churning or knotted
- Muscles tense, weak
- Temperature hot or cold
- Chest tightness or heaviness
- Energy high or low
- Action compelled to act or unable to act

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Use this list of physical reactions of feelings to identify how your body reacts to each of the feelings listed below. This list encompasses common reactions for emotions, but there is a great deal of variability possible. You might high some different physical reactions to feelings that are not given here. It is important to identify what your body does with a specific feeling so that you can correctly label the feelings you have.

- Fear
- Anger
- Shame
- Guilt
- Hurt
- Sad
- Lonely
- Helpless
- Joy

It is vitally important to know appropriate labels for your feelings. If you only know two labels for feelings-angry and happy-and you experience hurt, the label that you choose to communicate your feeling of "hurt" to your loved one will probably be "anger". Your communication of anger will probably hamper your attempts to effectively reveal what is going on with you. Your loved one probably will not be able to read between the lines and see the "hurt". They will probably take you at your word, that you feel "angry". You will not have successfully communicated your feeling.

It is important to be able to distinguish between and among feelings because feelings often get paired up quite quickly. Common pairings are "fear and anger" and "hurt and anger". Sometimes people experience different feelings in rapid fire fashion. It can happen so quickly that you may not even be aware of the first feeling before it turns to something else - usually anger. Often, the first feeling that you experience is the most important one to communicate with significant others. The second feeling may be a defense or a guard against experiencing the first feeling. An example of how the first feeling may have more significance for the relationship is when a parent has been waiting up all night for an adolescent who has missed curfew, to get home. When the adolescent opens the door at 3:00 in the morning, the abject terror and fear of what might have happened to the child, gives way to the anger. It is, of course, typically the anger that is expressed. If the fear gets expressed at all, it is usually much later. The erring child hears the anger and not the fear.

As with any skill, practice makes for improvement. Human beings experience a range of emotions, not just "anger" and "happy". The more skilled that people are at identifying and communicating this range of emotions, the better able they are to problem solve and work through feelings. The less skilled that you are in identifying and communicating feelings, the more likely you are to act them out in ways that are detrimental in various areas of your life.

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Have you ever wondered why your marriage isn't happier? If so, you're not alone. Numerous spouses are struggling with the same question.

At least part of the answer may lie in the words you use in your self-talk and in what you say to your spouse. And what you believe, the lies you tell to yourself or to your spouse, and what you deny or rationalize will all affect your marriage intimacy and happiness.

Read the following ten statements and see if you recognize yourself in any of them. If so, it's never too late to make positive changes.

1. It doesn't matter if I don't tell the complete truth once in awhile as long as not knowing doesn't hurt him in any way. (You're lying to yourself.)

2. I'm not going to tell him how much our daughter's prom dress really cost because it would only upset him. (Lying never solves the real problem.)

3. She'd come unglued if she knew my old girlfriend called me today, so I just won't mention it. (And when she finds out later, you'll have some major trust issues to work through.)

4. The only reason I'm telling you that you're getting fat and need to lose weight is for your own good. (But that's not the only reason you're bringing this up, and your spouse knows it.)

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5. It doesn't matter if we don't have sex very often now that we've been married for five years. (You're only fooling yourself.)

6. I deserve to be treated better, and I'm going to find a way to get even. (The game of getting even always has two losers.)

7. It doesn't matter what I look like and how I dress now that we're married. (Neatness and cleanliness always count, and dressing up for a "date" with your spouse can add excitement to your relationship.)

8. We'd be happier if you were more like Jackie's husband. (You're implying that you'd like him better if he changed. Your spouse will resent you for the comparison and be even more resistant to changing.)

9. We're going to do something special together just as soon as the car is paid off (our son graduates from college, the house is paid for, we build up our savings, etc.). (Even on a low-cost budget, you can find special things to do to have fun and build memories now.)

10. I'll really be happy when I retire in fifteen years. (Focusing on future contentment is a set up for missing opportunities to be happy now in the present moment--happy with yourself, your spouse, your marriage, and your life.)

Next, click here now to find out why your spouse is lying to you about the reasons they want a divorce. Follow the information step by step and you will discover the truth, cut through the lies and pain, stop divorce dead in its tracks, and rebuild the strong, intimate marriage you've always wanted... even if your spouse doesn't want to!

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Marriage is tough at times, that is a given. However, sticking with your spouse through the tough times may be an even harder thing to do, but you should do it anyway. In this article, I would like to talk about how your marriage can affect your children for years to come.

Let me begin with this thought: Your marriage relationship is a model for your childrens future marriage and dating relationships. Remember, children live what they learn. Weather we like it or not, this is a fact. Therefore, if your marriage is headed in the wrong direction, for the sake of your children, it would be better to find the help you need to save your marriage.

Secondly, consider this: a strong marriage builds security in your children. It helps to give them a solid foundation to build upon later in life. It is their measuring stick if you will. Children who are brought up in a home where the parents work through difficulties, fighting for their marriage, and keeping the family unit in tact, are teaching their children a lesson that will impact them for life. Spoken or unspoken, the children are learning.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

Lastly, I want you to remember that your children are always taking notes of your life, your attitude, your behavior, your character. They are subconsciously learning what it means to love another, to build a strong marriage, how to work through difficult times, how to not give up. They are learning how to be a husband or a wife, by how you treat your spouse and the marriage relationship in general. Your example is powerful. Always be aware of that.

In conclusion, one of the greatest legacies you can leave your children is a firm belief that marriage is a long-term commitment; that the vows they take on their wedding day are real and should be held too. The effort you put into your marriage is worth it, especially for your children. Do not give up. Do what you can to save your marriage.

Tina is a freelance writer and advocate for saving marriages. Too many marriages are ending in divorce. It's not good for the family, for the partners or for society in general. It's time to fight to save marriages, working through difficulties to come out with a stronger marriage in the end. It can be done!

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort, and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts become selfish. Selfishness has been described as one of the major enemies of married love within the family because it actually turns the person in upon himself/herself, thereby interfering with healthy self-giving which is the essence of marital love.

Subsequently, this personality weakness creates significant pain and suffering in marriages and families. It is a major cause of marital anger, permissive parenting, addictive behaviors, infidelity, separation, and divorce. Unless it is uncovered and addressed, selfishness will lead spouses to treat loved ones as objects and not as gifted persons.

Marital success was defined not by successfully meeting obligations to one's spouse and children but by a strong sense of subjective happiness in marriage - usually to be found in and through an intense, emotional relationship with one's spouse. Subsequently, serious marital conflicts regularly develop.

Having no regard for the needs or feelings of others. If someone is both totally self-involved and uncaring about anyone else, they are not likely to be very responsive to you in any way other than evaluating how you meet their needs.

According to some people, a certain amount of selfishness is healthy. Even selfless caring and generosity is not really selfless. Maintaining your integrity and individuality within any marriage is paramount. Unfortunately, many men today are selfish.

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Yes, it would be much more delightful if it came through your husband, as that would show his care for you, but think of it in this light: there are a lot of wives who could never afford to have a day like that even though their husbands would be inclined to provide it if they could.

Don't allow someone else's selfishness to infect you. Set the positive example rather than join in the negative one. But it does not mean that you are going to live the rest of your lives still married to a selfish spouse, and affecting your spirit with resentment, bitterness, and eventually your own selfish demands.

Selfishness will disable or destroy your marriage as you face the difficulties that are bound to occur. No more harmony and understanding at home. There is always fight and kids suffer more. Basically, the following reasons lead marriages to break apart:

Lack of mutual understanding, support, and trust; lack of compatibility; lack of mutual cooperation; lack of commitment and sense of responsibility; lack of communication and time; ego clashes Infidelity or breach of trust; marital expectations, abuse, marital rape and other such negative situations; continuous misbehavior with each other; physiological factors; and many more. Whatever the reason of breaking the bond of marriage, it leads to a lot of physical, psychological, social, professional, familial and situational turmoil. For some life just ceases and becomes gruesome. For some, it's like getting freedom from an over-burdening relationship.

However, life does not end if a marriage ends. When things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again but things would never be the same again.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.