How To Stop Being Mean To My Husband: Why Am I Horrible To My Husband

Arguments are an integral form of communication. If you look back in history, some of the greatest ideas had been born from arguments and some of the most passionate marriages we know involved partners with contrasting personalities and a penchant for spirited debate. Arguments can be considered even as a sign of a healthy marriage; when married couples argue, it's often out of concern for each other. But anger can make you blind to the good intentions of your partner.

It's normal for marriage couples to argue. It's even normal for emotions to run high when you feel strongly about a particular issue. But if you don't want anger to ruin your marriage for good then you need to learn how to effectively handle arguments between you and your spouse.

Don't raise your voice.

If you do, your spouse might be provoked into doing the same even though he doesn't mean to. Also, there's no valid reason for you to raise your voice. If you feel frustrated then take deep breaths instead of yelling it out. You'll feel better that way. If you want to raise your voice so that you could be heard, simply wait for your spouse to finish what he has to say and wait for your turn.

When two persons use mild and even voices while arguing, they are less likely to feel volatile or say something they'd regret later on.

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Give it time.

If you are suddenly confronted with an issue that you want to take up with your spouse, your first instinct is to blow off your steam as quickly as possible. Nothing will satisfy you except having your spouse hear your tirade. It doesn't matter if your spouse is sure to be tired from work or is still recovering from a nasty bout of flu. What matters is that you get to speak your mind right now.

Think back on the times you did just that. The feelings of satisfaction were short-lived, weren't they? Victory didn't taste quite as sweet as it should have, did it? That's because deep inside yourself, you know it hadn't been right to let your anger overwhelm your logic.

Don't succumb to the urge to argue every time it hits you and even if you know you're on the right. Arguments spawned by anger are never good. When you feel the need to argue, find another outlet to let off steam. Do something you like and would take your mind off your anger. Read a book, go out shopping, play golf---anything is okay as long as it gives you the time to calm down.

When you've cooled off, examine your feelings and reassess the issue. Do you still feel like taking it up with your spouse or does it seem like a petty issue now?

Always try to see it from your partner's point of view.

There are always two sides to a story and majority of arguments can be easily and quickly resolved if both partners are determined to keep an open mind. When you're arguing with someone, your tendency is to list the number of reasons that the other party is wrong and the reasons that you're right.

Rather than doing that, how about listing all possible reasons why the other party could be right and the possible reasons you could be wrong? Doing this will allow you to be more objective and more understanding of the other person's motives.

Never let yourself forget as well that whatever it is you and your spouse are arguing about, he or she is sure to want to reach an amicable end to the argument as much as you do.

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Don't bring up past issues.

That's when waters become more muddied and the urge to do some mud-slinging becomes stronger. Past issues must stay in the past. If you need to bring them up, do so when you are not already arguing about something or, better yet, wait for a marriage counselor to moderate your "discussion".

But until then, past issues are forbidden. No matter how essential they may feel like to the argument, resist the temptation to go back to the past and dig out all the hurtful words and things that your partner is guilty of. If you do this, there's a strong possibility that your partner will do the same and now, you will have a thousand arguments to fight and solve instead of just one.

Don't be rude.

There are so many ways you could be rude when arguing and most of the time, you do so because you want to score a low blow against the other party. But doing so is a sign of disrespect against your partner; do you really want to do something that would make your partner feel unloved and disrespected?

Don't yell. Don't curse. Don't interrupt when your partner is still speaking. Don't roll your eyes. Don't make faces. Don't act obnoxious. These are simple rules of etiquette, but there's a tendency to deliberately ignore them when you want to win an argument.

Find someone to act as your "moderator".

It is a childish thing to do, yes, but there comes to a point when you and your partner feel so strongly about a particular issue that the two of you can no longer see the truth even if it's right in front of you. When all else seems to fail, ask someone to moderate your argument. It has to be someone that both of you know and trust very well---someone both of you believe would be able to act objective and logical as well as give excellent marriage advice.

If you choose to do this, both of you have to agree to abide by that person's well-meaning advice. Do this as a last resort, though. Marriages are made for two adults. As adults, you can think for yourself and know what's in your mind and heart. You shouldn't need someone to tell you the difference between what's right and wrong.

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First things first, for whatever the reason why your marriage is falling apart because of lack of intimacy, trust, communication, passion and so forth, what I'm going to share with you is two ways you can improve your marriage. Other advice you see all over the internet are surface level advice that doesn't get to the root of why your marriage is crumbling. Yes, a good and healthy marriage has communication, trust, passion and intimacy but couples who have them in a marriage have a two things in common.

1. Practice Awareness With Each Other

Did you know that lack of intimacy, communication and passion are all stemmed from the same problem? Lack of awareness. In today's busy time, stress and negative emotions because of the stress makes "zoning out" easy. Watching television, surfing the internet, sports and etc. are how we wind down from a busy day but if you prefer to do these activities rather than connecting with your spouse, than your marriage will suffer.

This is when you have to "wake up" and become aware of your surroundings, your emotions, and your marriage. If you sleep walk through life with outside disturbances that prevent you from making a meaningful connection with your spouse, than your marriage will most likely be headed down the wrong road.

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This doesn't mean you should enjoy hanging out in front of the television or getting lost in a book, it's when you would rather do that than connect with your spouse. With awareness, you become curious about your spouse. You remember them as their own person with their own hopes, dreams and fears. Most times, when w get stuck in a relationship "rut" we forget to connect with the person sitting next to us as another human being.

When you are with your spouse, be in the present moment. Breathe that moment in and practice on being in the present moment when you are with your spouse instead of worrying about the past and future. This will help you and your spouse create opportunities to connect on a deep and meaningful way.

2. They Do Not Resist What They Can't Control

Not resisting your reality will help you accept situations without adding unneeded pain or suffering. Allow what happens to be okay. This doesn't mean you can't feel your emotions and be upset if you're upset. This means to not resist the situation by trying to change it. If you and your spouse are fighting over different views, instead of being upset because you can't get them to change their mind, just accept the fact that they feel the way they feel and you can't do anything about it. When you allow yourself to be a "yes" to what comes your way, you get a better chance of not creating conflict and finding a solution to the issue.

Another example of not resisting something is when you don't EXPECT anything of your spouse. You accept them for who they are, avoid putting your spouse in a box or on a pedestal. This tips may sound ridiculously simple but they're essential to having a healthy and thriving marriage.

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Relationship counselling, also known as marriage counselling or couple therapy, originated fairly recently in Germany in the 1920's. Today it is a popular form of therapy in many countries, and stigma associated with relationship counselling is rapidly disappearing, perhaps because most people who have been or who are presently in a committed relationship, are well aware how complicated in can be to share life with another person for good and for bad. The purpose of relationship counselling is to improve communication, resolve conflicts and strengthen the connection between you and your significant other.

Is This Type of Counselling for You and Your Partner?

Couples seek counseling for many different reasons. These include:

- Poor communication

- Infidelity

- Trauma

- Substance abuse (e.g. alcohol abuse)

- Emotional or violent abuse

- Anger and resentment towards each other

- Trust issues

- Inability to overcome past events

- Cultural disagreements

- Lack of sexual interest

- Parenting doubts

- Chronic illness

- Separation and divorce

- and many others.

During a couple therapy session, both partners will be given equal opportunity to share their views and opinions, and the therapist will listen, ask relevant questions and make suggestions for compromise and positive change. Your therapist will not pretend to know you, your partner or your relationship better than you do, but as an objective third person with a mental health background and professional experience, he or she will be able to pinpoint communication flaws, emotional blind-spots and conflicting value systems that are detrimental to the health and growth of your relationship.

Relationship Counselling is NOT For Everyone

Relationship counselling is not suitable for everyone. Some people begin this type of counselling with the illusion that they will be able to better control or change their partner. However, manipulation and ego-centric purposes have no place in therapy. Relationship counselling is meant to be beneficial for all the individuals in the relationship. Do not expect the counsellor to take sides or act as a judge to determine what is right and what is wrong in different situations. For positive results in relationship counselling, both partners must learn to take responsibility for their own actions and feelings, and they must be able to recognize and acknowledge that each person in the therapeutic relationship (including the counsellor) is a worthy and independent human being with a unique personality, background, perception, set of values, and belief systems.

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When Relationship Counselling Becomes a Necessity

It is natural for the majority of relationships to go through some rough patches from time to time. Unfortunately, if these difficult situations are not resolved to both partners satisfaction, they can eventually lead to malfunction and self-reinforcing maladaptive patterns. These patterns are sometimes called negative interaction cycles, and they can be incredible difficult to break once they have settled well into your daily routines and interaction with each other. There are many possible reasons for these patterns to persist, including insecure attachment, ego, low self-esteem, unresolved anger issues, jealousy, poor communication or problem solving skills, etc. Furthermore, significant changes in financial status, physical health, family matters, or a relocation to another country, can also have a profound and negative impact on a relationship.

A relationship that is not healthy will manifest symptoms such as poor communication, aggression, infidelity, lack of trust, heated unresolved arguments or indifference, lack of interest (including sexual) in the other, and lack of shared joyous moments. The individuals in an unhealthy relationship can after a while experience prolonged sadness, anxiety, fatigue, feelings of anger and resentment towards the other, irritability, lack of motivation, severe mood swings, and a sense of hopelessness. When a relationship has come to this level of dissatisfaction, the last and only hope for saving the relationship may be relationship counselling. Hopefully, it will not be too late for you to heal.

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What men want is a woman who is willing to jump in his puddle. I've got to explain what I mean, which I'll do below, but it's first important to acknowledge that this term is derived from a book to do with improving marriages written by Patricia Love. A woman who is willing to jump into the man's puddle will be appreciated and loved by the man.

In her book, "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It", Love talks about the concept of jumping in "emotional puddles", that is, the problems that men and women face in their daily lives individually.

Without getting too deeply into what the problems are, they can be viewed and feel more like "emotional oceans", that is, easy enough to drown in once you get in. To have a partner who views it as a puddle is reassuring, since it means that they're confident enough to deal with the problem and not see it as something that's frightening and should only be dealt with by one person.

For example, there is one paradox in that women don't like being lonely, whereas men use solitude to solve their problems. Women like the company of their husbands, but don't always understand that men need to be left alone to sort their problems out, whatever they may be.

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Here are three problems men don't talk about often that really plagues them quite often. If you help him open up about it and actually get him talking about it with you, you would not believe how grateful and appreciative of you he will be:

1. money: as much as men love being the breadwinners of a family, it burdens us as well. It's somewhat of a love-hate relationship. Talk about it with us, maybe even offer to take some of our burden on and that will bring us closer together.

2. depression: men can get depressed, due to the daily problems of life in general. Be there for us, listen to us whine and moan and keep telling us that it's all in our heads. That will wake us up, snap us out of it and help us get on with life.

3. you (the wife): this can be the biggest problem of them all. If you don't speak about yourself and where you fit in the marriage with him, this could cause a rift to form over time. Tell us that you won't react negatively to what we say and we'll tell you more of what you want to hear (which will also do us a favor as well).

So to jump into the man's puddle would be to leave him alone and to be lonely for a while. He'll appreciate that you understood his need for solitude and will love you all the more for it. Most women wouldn't understand this, but if you do, you'll be the most appreciated wife.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com