Husband Makes Me Depressed: Feeling Inadequate As A Wife

1. Don't look to others to make you happy - The first step in discovering how to be happy in marriage is recognizing the true source of happiness. In most relationships we are initially attracted to another person because they make us feel good about ourselves. Yet, if the marriage is to grow we must realize that it is unfair to make our mate the primary source of our happiness. Mature relationships are marked by each person looking at what they can put into the relationship as opposed to what they can get out of it.

Making the chief aim of our lives pursuing what makes us happy leads to a life of self-centeredness. Even though the Declaration of Independence talks about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, the scriptures are clear that it isn't the world's responsibility to make us happy. Happiness is a choice as well as a result of what we choose to value and what we choose to focus on.

2. Forgive and forget- There are hundreds of opportunities each day to be offended and angry. I've known people who seem to take advantage of each opportunity. They go through life each day angry and irritated.

Roderick McFarlane in the Reader Digest, December 1992 issue tells the story he heard from his grandmother on her golden wedding anniversary. Within her story Fredrick's grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me mad, I would say to myself, lucky for him that's one of the ten."

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3. Believe the best - A third step in discovering how to be happy in marriage is choosing to believe the best about your partner. I can't begin to tell you how often Bonnie and I discovered the source of an argument was because we each assumed the worst of each other in a specific situation.

I heard a story of a couple who were having more than their usual disagreements. They wanted to make their marriage work and agreed on an idea the wife had. For one month they planned to drop a slip in a "Fault" box. The boxes would provide a place to let the other know about daily irritations. The wife was diligent in her efforts and approach: "leaving the jelly top off the jar," "wet towels on the shower floor," "dirty socks not in hamper," on and on until the end of the month. After dinner, at the end of the month, they exchanged boxes. The husband reflected on what he had done wrong. Then the wife opened her box and began reading. The message on each slip was the same which read, "I love you!"

4. Take control of your thoughts and feelings - Finally, how to be happy in marriage begins when we take responsibility of our own feelings and thoughts. Have you ever said, "I can't help it, she just pushes my buttons." Or, "He makes me so mad." The truth of the matter is no one makes us mad. Being angry, or better yet, staying angry is a choice.

Your spouse may push your buttons and antagonize you but, keep in mind they are "your buttons." Even though you can't control how you are treated by your spouse, you can control how you react. Controlling anger is vital to a long and happy marriage. It is in moments of anger that words are spoken and actions taken that often result in permanent damage to the relationship.

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Annulled marriage can be very disappointing and depressing. You would really be shocked to know that your spouse is not interested in living with you anymore and prefers someone else. It is also the time when you get the weakest and project a personality that your spouse would detest. This makes the separation easier for the spouse. But it need not be so, you can in fact reverse the trend and get back your spouse. If you manage to do it successfully, you would have done something that you will remember for the rest of your life.

Typically when a spouse wants to end a relation, they tend to get more vocal about it. If you keep hearing about it day in and day out, you too will get flustered and it would lead to some reactions from your side that push the spouse to separation. The best solution is to control your urge at that time. The spouse is expecting a repartee or some argument from you, but if you let it pass by they would be taken off guard. Just like arguing with the spouse does not help, even pleading and begging is useless. It will show you as a weak person who cannot take the separation. This assures the spouse that it is the right decision. You need to avoid such weakness too.

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The best thing to do is focus on you and develop yourself. Your spouse needs to see the true value in the relationship and for that you need to be attractive and alluring. The attractiveness does not necessarily have to be physical aspect, though that helps too. There are some non-physical characteristics that are more comforting to the spouse than just great looks. Things like confidence, stability and rational thinking are always strong points for anyone. If your spouse sees that you are pretty confident and focused in life, they really would doubt if leaving someone like you is really a good decision.

Even if both spouses love each other sincerely, at times they might find themselves getting more and more distant from each other and getting close to a divorce. But like me, you too can take some steps into saving your marriage and turning it into a satisfying relationship.

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Although it may seem hopeless and impossible, it's not too late to stop your divorce and save your marriage. Over half of all marriages end in divorce. This can be one of the most devastating things to happen to a person. Some feel that it can be even more painful then the death of a loved one. There comes a lot of heartache when a divorce is on the horizon.

If you have a plan and follow certain steps within that plan then you can avoid becoming a statistic. Most breakups can be prevented. It's not going to be easy, but you can do something right now that can prevent the end of your marriage.

The first thing you want to do first is figure out what the problem is. Sounds simple, right? How can you stop a divorce if you don't know what's causing it to fall apart in the first place. Work with your spouse and dig deep into the relationship to find out the root causes that are keeping the marriage from working. This will take some time, but it will be well worth it.

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Once you have found the problem then it's time to fix it. Can the problem even be fixed? If you can, then you and your spouse can make the necessary sacrifices and compromises that will save the relationship. If you can't fix the problem yourself, then seeking professional advice would be a wise decision.

Now would be a good time to start over and begin a new. Look at the relationship like the day you got married. How did you treat each other? What great times did you have? Forget about all the bad times and let go. Times have changed, you have changed, your spouse has changed. Accept them for who they are and not the person you want them to be. Work together and build something that will last forever.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Remember the childhood rhythm: Susie and Tommy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage? So where does the love go when the baby comes? Where does the spark and excitement of the relationship slip away to?

Most people would say that the excitement evaporates in a haze of sleeplessness and dirty diapers, and in some sense that is true. Most couples identify the beginning of the distance that grows between them (and too often threatens to topple the marriage) to that very time that we feel should be full of joy and excitement.

The truth of the matter is that having children is a wonderful addition to a relationship and also the very thing that can cause distress and a shutting down of the feelings that brought the two of you together as a couple. Too often after children enter the picture couples fall into the set patterns of caretaker and provider and lose their sense of who they were when they met. Couples get caught in these new roles and forget to nurture the very relationship that brought the new life into being! They lose sight of the fact that it is important for their child's growth to see their parents expressing affection and enjoying each other's company in a playful and respectful way.

So what can be done?

First and foremost, it is important to catch the problem as early as possible. But have no fear, if the children are many, and have grown beyond infancy there is still hope for putting your relationship back on track! To begin with, it is necessary for you and your partner to truly take time to be together. Being good parents is a wonderful and admirable thing, but not at the risk of forgetting about your relationship.

In her book, Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel says, "Indeed, in our culture the survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple. But cultivating the ideal relationship requires care and attention, and this competes directly with the "full-contact" parenting many of us embrace." It is necessary for us to believe that taking time to nurture our relationship is as important (maybe even more important) than taking our child to every extracurricular activity that we have been told will increase our child's chances of getting into the best Ivy League university.

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It is not selfish to take time to be "off-duty" and be a vibrant adult. Effective parenting is not about total self-sacrifice and self-denial. Children who see their parents enjoying themselves will develop a healthy sense of what adulthood is about, along with what a well balanced marriage looks like. As children see you relate to your partner in healthy ways, they will develop the confidence to do the same in their relationships.

Managing the Logistics

This is often one of the most difficult things that couples face. They are so busy with work and the logistics of children that they feel that they are just too tired to nurture the relationship. The good news is that you don't need to go to Paris or have candlelight dinners every night. You can nurture the relationship by taking some time to be together. It can even be as little as 5-10 minutes a day if that is all you can manage. What is important is that you and your partner are carving time out for yourself. Sit together on the couch and hold hands, have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Talking is not so important, it is simply the act of being together that elevates your relationship to something that is worthy of it's own time and space.

Use this time to recall the things that brought you together. What was it about your partner that you found so appealing, so exciting. Spend some time reminiscing about how the relationship was at the very beginning. Share these thoughts with each other if you wish. This is the frame of mind that you want to attain now, even with a house full of children. Certainly you cannot act in exactly the same way that you did when you were footloose and fancy free, but remembering those special times will allow you to begin to move out of the staleness that the relationship may have fallen into.

Dating? I thought that I'd never have to do that again once I got married.

Though it may seem counter intuitive, it is important to date your spouse. There are a lot of ways to do this. Perhaps it is difficult to find a babysitter. If that is the case take some quiet time together after the children go to sleep. Make a special occasion out of it. Have a special dessert or open a special bottle of wine. What you do is not as important as actually creating the time to be together. Have a friend or relative come to the house to spend time with the children so that you can have a few hours alone together. A student at the local high school is the perfect person to entertain the children while you and your partner relax in another room (with strict orders that that room is off limits to children!) Work out a trade with another couple so that you can help each other take time to spend alone with your mate.

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What kinds of things did you and your partner do when you first began dating? What did you talk about as you got to know one another? That is the natural place to start, you know that those activities are things that you enjoy sharing with each other. Is it a hike in the park, a walk on the beach, a lively discussion about a book or a film? You want to begin to recapture the quality of excitement and aliveness that defined the beginning of the relationship.

If you are able to actually go out together put some ground rules in place. The date to go out to dinner is not the appropriate place to continue the argument that may have erupted earlier in the day. It is not the time or place to discuss the children's sports or doctors appointments. Setting some basic ground rules before you enter the restaurant or the theatre will help to make this a fun and satisfying time and not an expensive (and public) argument.

We've been married for so many years, what do we talk about?

Find things to talk about that allow you to rediscover your partner. Believe it or not, even after years of marriage you probably don't know everything about your partner. What has been happening at work? How are they feeling about the politics of the day? Have they read or heard anything of interest? Pretend that you don't know this person who is sitting opposite you. If you can begin to have a sense of inquiry and curiosity about that person you will learn new and exciting things about them and your relationship will become more exciting.

Although it may sound contrary to what I have been saying, try to also do some things away from your partner. Develop hobbies or go out with friends. Nourish those secret dreams that you have had. Perhaps you can take an acting class or learn a new language. You will be surprised that creating this kind of healthy distance will actually inject some excitement back into your relationship. You will be excited and sharing that energy with your partner will work to revive the initial spark that brought you two together. A healthy balance of family time, dating and alone time will really spruce up your marriage!

Romance your partner, it will bring a lot of joy to your marriage and to your family.

You can regain some of the energy of your early relationship in fairly easy ways, but you have to be willing to change your mindset and take the time for yourselves to refresh the marriage. A wink, a knowing smile, a note left in their briefcase or on the bathroom mirror, a text message on their Blackberry or a gentle touch can go a long way to create connection with your partner. You will be happier, your relationship will be strengthened and your children will grow into adults who learn that parenting does not need to signal the end of strong and vibrant adult relationships. You will model for them the way to be both a parent and a healthy partner. What a truly wonderful gift to give your children!

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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