When You Your Husband Are Not On Same Page: Agreeing To Disagree In Relationships

The question of how to get your husband to communicate is a common dilemma faced in many marriages. Most men do not like use their words and would rather not talk or share their feelings. It is common place for a wife to want to discuss something really important and the husband is more concerned about getting the electrician to come fix the cable. Is he even listening to you?

For any marriage to be successful, communication is very important. It can not be stressed enough.If communication is lacking it can lead to other issues like loss of intimacy, infidelity and a lack of respect from both husband and wife. So how do women deal with this issue?

Before you can deal with the issue of how to get your husband to communicate with you and share his feelings, you need to ask yourself these questions:

* Are you a good communicator?

* How do you approach the topic you want to discuss?

* Do you have any negative communication patterns or attitudes?

* Do you always want to be right?

* Do you find yourself dominating the discussion more by talking over him?

* Do you always blame your husband and bring up past arguments?

These and more are some of the negative behavioral pattern and non-conducive environments that make it difficult for your husband to want to communicate or discuss any important issues. There is a great chance that he has a lot to say but doesn't know how to bring it up, since he maybe afraid of your reaction, or doesn't think it is worth the effort to share with you. It is simply a case of 'I never get to win with you'.

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In many marriages a husband or wife wants to be seen as being "tough." Nobody wants to give in first. As a result, the communication gap grows wider. Mistrust fills the widening gap created by silence. Soon, differences feel irreconcilable. You have to make some changes for communication to be effective.

To learn how to get your husband to communicate with you and share his feelings you need to break the barrier of silence first. This is not a competition of who the weakest or strongest is. It is about getting the issue discussed and resolved. This is what you need to do in order to save your marriage and get your husband to open up.

Your approach: Get him to start talking first

When you have something important you really need to discuss, the best strategy is to get him to start talking first. Initiate the conversation with something completely unrelated to the issue you want to discuss, (preferably something he is interested in) and catch his attention. If in the first few minutes of the conversation you are talking more than he is, you are going about it all wrong. Start again and this time be patient and show some interest by listening.

Go for it

When you have gotten him where you want - fully interested in your conversation - go for it. This is an art you need to learn and develop. How to systematically blend the discussion from the topic of interest to the issue at hand. Keep trying till you have mastered it. Patience is the watchword here.

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Communication is a two-way thing, when your husband tries to communicate, be quiet and listen to him. If he pauses, instead of filling in the silences with chatter, allow those silences to remain. If he's not so good at expressing his feelings, tendency is that he will say one thing and you will understand it to mean another. Make sure you understand what he means before you say anything, start by repeating what he has said in your own understanding and ask him to confirm that you are both on the same page.

Reward him

When you have gotten your husband to talk and share his feelings about an issue, reward him by showing appreciation. Instead of saying 'why did you not say it all along?', say 'I am glad you pointed that out, I enjoy it when I learn new things about you, it makes me feel closer to you''. It may sound a bit like going overboard but even a hug after a difficult conversation can make all the difference, what matters is that you show your partner that you really do care about his feelings and opinions.

Get more intimate

Did you know that when you talk about sex with your husband you can talk about anything under the sun? Talking intimately breaks down any barriers between you and your husband. Its like being naked and transparent. You will become more relaxed and most likely excited by this new level of intimacy and openness that you will begin to have a stronger bond with each other.

If you do not learn how to get your husband to communicate with you effectively, you can start to develop negative feelings that build up. Even if you don't act out on those feelings now, you will find yourself becoming more and more resentful of your husband and that can end up ruining your marriage.

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One very underrated characteristic of a good relationship is respect. So many couples fall victim to being disrespectful to each other. It really is at the root of most relationship problems. Aside from poor communications skills and infidelity, disrespect is a big relationship killer. Being respectful of the person that you supposedly love is just one more way of showing your loyalty and devotion to them. However, often times people let their childish behaviors and immature ways interfere in a relationship. Let's take a look at some common ways that partners disrespect each other...

1. Embarrassing your partner in front of others. This is not only a sign of disrespect but it can be an early or hidden sign of abuse. Many women who have been abused report their partner started by embarrassing them or yelling at them in front of their friends and loved ones. This is a way of diminishing another person, and it shouldn't have any place in a loving relationship. If you find yourself yelling at or embarrassing your partner in front of other people, you need to take a good look in the mirror. The problem is you.

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2. Destroying possessions. Another very immature way of dealing with conflict with your partner is by destroying or damaging their possessions. How many times have we all heard about a couple getting into an argument and one of them throwing the other one's clothing out the front door or the window? It really is an immature way of reacting to conflict. Remember that not only are you supposed to show respect for your partner, but you're supposed to have integrity and character within yourself.

3. Calling names. Name-calling has no place within a relationship. In fact, name-calling should have gone out when you were eight years old. Again, it's an immature behavior that only seeks to hurt and diminish the other person. Names can really hurt and cause irreparable damage to the other person. We all carry around our own emotional baggage, so inflicting pain by calling someone a name that really hurts them at their core is not only disrespectful but it's mean.

Respect in your relationship is something that should be pursued by both parties. If there is disrespect within a relationship, it is almost always doomed to fail. Even if the couple stays together, one or both of them will likely be unhappy with the situation.

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If you are already married, you will most positively agree that keeping a relationship over a long period of time is quite tough. Two people live in the same house and sharing the same bed day after day can really take its toll, as there are always differences and problems that occur between couples at some point or another. If the differences faced between the couple can be resolved with ease, they should have an amazing relationship for years to come.

There have been some scary statistics out there regarding divorce rates. They are incredibly high - but you shouldn't let this get to you because you have the power to make your marriage last. I have been taught that the most devastating marriage breakers have not been the fighting, quarreling and differences faced; but rather the things that one side may do to prevent a divorce from happening. They may cry and beg not for it to happen only in hopes of getting a reunion from pity.

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Quite a number of people actually do not care if their husband or wife is only in the relationship out of pity. Does this sound right to you? No. This should not be the case with you. Of course, you should always try your best to maintain a great relationship, but the begging, crying and pleading does not work. In fact, it only makes the situation worse. If you continuously apologize over and over, it may send a signal that you are only putting on this act to save the marriage; not for you understanding what mistakes you made. This will only hurt your credibility in the future.

Make sure that you do not perform the desperate acts that were just mentioned. Doing so only makes you seem wretched. Always remember to show that you can be independent and not someone that is easy to have. Everyone does not enjoy the easy things in life; they all strive to get the things that they can't have.

The "you want what you can't have" is an instinct (or human behavioral pattern, if you will) that is present in all humans. It actually is the reason why so many marriages end - when you get married to someone, you are inclined to take him or her for granted. This is why playing hard to get is so important in sparking the love and making the marriage last a life time.

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Ever wonder what the Bible says about sex? It is filled with plenty of practical information about our daily lives including advice on love, money, wisdom, relationships, and work but what about sex? Surprisingly, there are many verses about the matter and even an entire book called Song of Solomon written about it. Yet not much is discussed in Christian circles about how God views sex. There is much discussion about how other people view sex (just look at the titles of magazines at your grocery store), but few if any discuss how God views it.

So after looking over many verses, it all comes down to a couple of basic ideas and here are the top sexual no-no's in alphabetical order.

1. Adultery is sex with someone who is not your spouse. This commandment was given by God through the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20:14. Jesus expanded the definition in Matt. 5:28 to include someone who looks at another with lust in their heart. This therefore would include any pornography.

2. Homosexuality is sex with a person of the same sex. Lev. 18:22 and Rom. 1:26-27 warns against such practices.

3. Incest is sex with family members or relatives. Lev. 18:7-18 provides quite a long list of relatives which include immediate family and extended family as far removed as first cousins.

4. Lustful pleasure is what the Gentiles live for according to Eph. 4:19 and as Christians we are not to act like them. This means we do not live to have sex, it is part of our lives but it should not occupy the majority of our thoughts.

5. Obscenity and coarse jokes are inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting. Eph. 5:4 calls such behavior unfitting of a believer. This includes sexual harassment.

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6. Orgy is having sex with multiple partners at a time. 1 Cor. 6:16 states that sex is intended to unity two people, not three or four.

7. Prostitution is paying for sex or receiving payment for sex. Neither a male nor a female should be a prostitute according to Deu. 23:17.

8. Rape is forced sex without the consent or permission of one of the parties. Deu. 22:26-28 calls for death for the person committing the rape.

9. Sexual immorality as defined by 1 Cor. 5:1 is having sex with a member of your family not biologically related (which is incest). The example given is a man having sex with his step-mother and would also include abusive sex.

10. Sexual sin is outlined in 1 Cor. 6:12-20 and it explains that every time a person has sex with someone, they are joined with them becoming one. By this standard, any sex which is not meant to be part of unifying two people (such as marriage) is sexual sin.

11. Sodomy is unnatural intercourse such as having sex with an animal. Lev. 18:23 calls such behavior perverse.

Having said all of this, the Bible also makes it clear through the book of Songs that He intended sex to give you pleasure and within the bonds of marriage, you are free to express yourself and share your bodies with your partner. After all, He is the creator of sex and intended it for pleasure and procreation. With the exception of the items listed above, sex should be a natural outpouring of your love, commitment, dedication and intimacy with your partner.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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