My Husband Is Overweight and It Turns Me Off: Not Attracted To Overweight Husband

Question: "I love my husband and always will but I no longer want to make love to him because of the way he has let himself go. I know it's a sin not to want to be with my husband because of his weight, but I can't help it. What do I do?"

That's a courageous question. In our day of passionate counterattacks against the superficial standards of beauty shoved at us by television, magazines, and movies, you risk being scolded as selfish for not accepting your husband just as he is, without any regard to his appearance. No wonder you feel you're sinning.

It's true that we have an innate need to be loved for who we are and not for how we look or what we do. We crave being loved without earning it in any way.

It's also true that shallow standards of beauty imposed by our world are ridiculous and unfair, leading some to do foolish things to their bodies or psyches. A fellow guest on a TV talk show in Los Angeles told me that she'd had fourteen cosmetic surgeries and was slated for more. Though too polite to mention it, I felt sad that she had to be completely remade to think herself lovable.

However, none of that means that what you feel is wrong. You say that you love your husband as he is: You just don't want to make love to him. I assume that's because either you're no longer attracted to him, or you're actually repulsed by his excess weight. Interestingly, if he'd been heavy when you fell in love with him, you wouldn't be feeling this way now. You'd find his extra weight a turn-on rather than a turn-off. But that's not the case with you, and that's okay. What you feel is not wrong.

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Whether we wish it or not, sometimes a person loses physical attraction for his or her spouse as an emotional reaction to the other's change in appearance, such as significant weight gain. It doesn't happen with everyone whose spouse becomes obese, but it does happen. It's not an act of will, but a reaction of emotions. Part of that comes from feeling disrespected. You may think, "If he loved me, he wouldn't let this happen. It's not like he has a physical problem and can't help it. He could control this. Why won't he do that for me?"

Also, part of it may be the way you're uniquely put together. Some things attract you physically; some things repel you. For example, if your husband came home muddy, reeking of freshly caught fish, and wanted to make love, you wouldn't feel guilty about rejecting his advances and demanding he get himself clean and odor free before lying next to you. That same principle is why you reject his lovemaking now that he's overweight. Your love and caring didn't go away, but just as you would be repulsed by the smell of your dirty fisherman, so are you repelled by the sight of his body that no longer has any semblance of its earlier tone and form. You still love; you just don't want to make love. It's not your heart that holds you back; it's your physical senses. The attributes that used to trigger your passion are gone, and your feeling disrespected leads you to pull away.

Because you react this way, other factors may negatively affect your marriage. Your husband may feel rejected and unloved. As you pull further away, his negative feelings will become worse and he may self-medicate with more food. He doesn't feel loved, so he eats. You don't feel respected, may even feel repulsed, and so you move further from him emotionally. My guess is that you are in a cycle that will only get worse until you do something to stop it.

So what do you do?

First, assure your husband several times every day that you love him just as he is and that you are committed to be with him for life. Second, open your heart and explain how you feel about his weight. Be honest about all your emotions. Third, ask him if he will commit to diet and exercise for you as well as for his own well being. Help in every way that he will allow. Encourage him to seek reputable professional guidance.

If you work on this together, with honesty and openness, you will bring passion back into your marriage.

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A lot of people are involved in a marriage that is in trouble. Most married couples are anxious about what could happen to their relationship if they don't start taking the steps to make things better.

The good news is there are some things you can do to make your marriage better. If you want to know how to fix a troubled marriage take a look at 3 things you can do.

One of the first things you can do is the most important thing. You have to keep the communication level in your marriage active. Communication is one of the most important keys to fixing a marriage and making it healthy. Do the simple things like telling your spouse how much you love and care for them.

Also, communicate with your spouse by telling them what's on your mind and just try to have genuine conversations with them. If there is a lack of communication in your relationship it will just make your situation worse.

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If you want to know how to fix a troubled marriage you must learn that actions speak louder than words. If you love your spouse don't display that love by just telling them every day. Instead, you should show them that you love them by putting those words into passionate actions to become more intimate.

Touching is a good form of intimacy that is a non-verbal communication. You can actually communicate on a deeper level without actually saying anything.

Finally, to fix a troubled marriage you should put a spark back in your relationship by surprising each other every now an then. Surprising one another will bring some excitement in your relationship.

Try to find new ways to romantically surprise your spouse on a consistent basis. Surprise them with a romantic dinner every now and then, take a week vacation, or just spend the weekend with each other to do some things you haven't done before.

Are you tired of living in a relationship in which you feel neglected? Many married people find themselves feeling alone and rejected by their spouse. If you feel taken for granted, there's a way to change that now.

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As many reasons there are for people to get married, there are just as many reasons for a divorce. No one can say that there are only a few reasons, because each marriage is different. What I could say is a definite reason for a divorce in my marriage, you may consider a normal marital occurrence, and vice-versa. Here are some reasons for a divorce, and what you can do to prevent them from destroying your marriage.

In today's society, many more couples are deciding to live with each other before getting married. It is assumed that if you live together first, you will see if the two of you CAN live together as one, without committing yourself for life.

Couples who chose to live together first have a higher rate of divorce than those who don't. Why? Because when a couple lives together, you haven't made a commitment to stay with each other forever. You are still, in a sense, free to do as you want. In marriage, on the other hand, things change. You can't just do what you want, and some people can't handle that feeling. They feel like they are trapped.

The best way to deal with this situation is to be completely honest and upfront with each other. If you do choose to live with each other first, then make sure that there are 'rules'. Whatever you want your marriage to be, then this is how you should live now. It will ease the transition from living together to being married.

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Another common reason for divorce is, of course, communication. The couple just doesn't know how to communicate with each other. When problems surface, they don't know how to get through them.

Communication is what makes all relationships work. Friendships, family or work relationships, and any relationship you have. Communication doesn't necessarily mean talking. There are many ways to communicate, and you have to find the best way for you and your spouse to do so. Some people talk openly, some write to each other, some even text or email each other.

Of course, money is a big reason for a divorce. A lack of money puts major stress on marriages. If one spouse works and the other stays home, the spouse that is staying home may want to get a part time job for a little while to ease the tension. It can be babysitting or cleaning for someone, or anything that will bring even a little bit of money into the household.

You can also work with your spouse to set up a household budget. Both of you can see where the money is going, and both of you will have a say on how it should be spent, or saved.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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What men want is a woman who knows what she should and shouldn't talk about to her girlfriends. We know that even in marriage, you like to talk to your girlfriends. We can't stop you talking to them. However, we would prefer if it you didn't share every little detail with your friends about what we do in the bedroom or every little argument we ever have. Us men tend to be more private that women. That's always going to be the norm. If you can't accept it, then it's going to make living together hard. Below, I detail what my wife has talked about that has displeased me.

1. Our arguments: it's something that should stay private. Sure, you're girlfriends might find it juicy gossip, but have you ever walked into a room where two people were just arguing? It's not pretty. You don't want to share that sort of vibe around.

2. Our income: it's not nice to brag about what we have and don't have. I could get fired (or you could get fired) out of nowhere, especially in this economic climate. Learn to appreciate what we have. Also, if I'm not earning enough money, instead of telling your girlfriends, spend the effort to find ways that the problem could be alleviated.

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3. Our debt: this is something else that shouldn't be shared around. We're working hard to pay it off, it should be something that you should help out to try and pay off too. The sooner we can pay it off, the sooner we can go on the holiday that we've been planning for.

Now obviously, it depends on the man. Some men don't care what their wife talks about with their girlfriends. All I know is that I'm somewhat touchy when it comes to topics of conversation. Make sure that you're not stepping over your man's boundaries by talking about certain topics that he considers private.

Respect is a big part of love. Some people say that respect is even bigger than love. Without respect, there is no love. It's almost a prerequisite. Respect the man's boundaries and we'll keep on respecting you and what you have to say in our relationship. The last thing we want to develop is rift in communication because we're unhappy that you're sharing our personal details with your friends.

If you've already told your friends, at least let us know that you're talking about it. We'd appreciate knowing what our friends know about.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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