My Husband Spends All Our Money On Himself: All My Husband Cares About Is Money

My Husband Spends All Our Money On Himself: All My Husband Cares About Is Money

One of the most common causes of arguments between couples is disagreements over money, mostly about how it should be spent, or not spent. Arguments over money generally fall into two general areas, differences in fundamental attitudes, and bickering over day to day details.

Sometimes the biggest arguments occur over the smallest issues - a $4 latte or whether store coupons are worth the effort. Bickering over the details can be virtually eliminated by agreeing on some budgeting guidelines and responsibilities in advance. The challenge to establishing such a framework is that the conversation about setting the rules is likely to trigger argument about fundamental attitudes toward money. This is not all bad, however, in that the sooner underlying beliefs are revealed and discussed, the sooner real progress can be made toward understanding and acceptance.

To eliminate arguing over details:

1. Set up a monthly discretionary budget for each spouse which includes all personal expenses including individual meals and snacks, clothes, personal grooming, hobbies, and gifts. Agree that the other partner will have no cause to question purchases made with this money.

2. Choose one spouse to be responsible for each area of purchasing. For example, have one person do all the grocery shopping. Try reversing roles occasionally. Usually, it reduces friction to assign a duty to the spouse with the stronger beliefs about that area of finances. If someone is committed to coupon clipping, let them do the grocery shopping.

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3. Whenever you find yourself having an argument about money, write down the specific issue, seek to understand the underlying disagreement in overall beliefs about money, and schedule a conversation to discuss that broad area. For example, if you find that you are arguing over whether to take out a home equity line of credit to remodel your kitchen, the fundamental beliefs at stake might include each spouse's attitude toward debt, beliefs about the home as an investment, levels of confidence in future income generation, degrees of risk aversion, and the fraction of available resources each spouse is willing to direct toward the home. While a discussion of whether to remodel the kitchen might become contentious and never reach resolution, each of the fundamental belief areas, taken separately, could be the subject of its own focused and less contentious conversation that is much more likely to reach mutual understanding and agreement or compromise.

To control arguing over fundamental attitudes toward money:

1. Establish a budget. For some couples, a very detailed and strict budget with many categories works best. For others, general guidelines with frequent special circumstances work better. Begin your discussion of creating a budget by agreeing on how flexible you choose for your budget to be. Then work on the categories and the monthly amounts.

2. Seek to understand your key beliefs about money, especially in those areas in which you hold differing beliefs. In such a discussion, attempt to focus on stating your own beliefs clearly and on understanding your partner's beliefs. Avoid saying anything negative about your partner's beliefs until you have written down a statement of both spouses' points of view. Then continue to refrain from being negative or argumentative.

3. Seek ways to honor your partner's beliefs without abandoning your own. If one of you believes, "If we've got the money, we should spend it," and the other cautions, "We need to put aside a large fund for a rainy day," it is going to take considerable restraint to avoid frequent conflict. In a situation such as that, your only hope for success lies in reaching a compromise at the fundamental level, and then considering each detail decision only in the light of the overall compromise agreement. For example, you believe you should save 10% of your income, your spouse believes in credit card debt, and you have reached a compromise agreement to neither save nor borrow. Now the question arises whether you can afford a vacation. To be true to your high-level compromise and to avoid argument, you must both consider the vacation question only in the context of the compromise budget, and not allow your feelings toward that budget to weigh in.

Especially if you have fundamentally differing views toward money, focus on your love for each other and on your desire to honor your partner whenever you feel your temper begin to rise. Look at the big picture, and ask whether this issue is simply a detail of a larger difference in attitude toward money, and whether that larger difference is amenable to compromise.

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Maybe you're a romantic at heart, tending to fall for how the movies portray marriage. Yet, you've got a sneaking suspicion that you're being fed a lie. Harboring unhealthy beliefs about marriage could end up destroying yours. Why not protect your marriage instead? If you're curious about what some of those marriage beliefs that could spell disaster for your relationship are, you're in luck. This article will lead the way.

Marriage Myth #1: your spouse is responsible for your happiness. Actually, you alone are responsible for your happiness. Not your spouse, your friends or your family. For some, especially if Hollywood is to be an example, marriage partners today seem to change as often as some change their wardrobe. The lie is that if you're unhappy in your marriage, well then, it's your partner's fault. And if it's his or her fault, then it's OK to look elsewhere, for another partner.

Marriage Myth #2: your partner must be physically appealing to be attractive. Bear with me here. While for guys, you probably didn't glance across the room and ultimately end up with your spouse because you were attracted to her brain at first sight, physical attraction alone doesn't last. And, initially, you both may have been attracted to each other physically. But, over the years as your assets fade or diminish, your attraction becomes more than skin deep. This is true intimacy, as I mentioned before. When you build upon your common passions and what's important to you both, you build a deep foundation that keeps you interested beyond the cosmetic.

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Marriage Myth #3: a healthy marriage is one established upon great sex. While for the short term, sex with your spouse may be gratifying, ultimately, it could get quite boring if that's all you've got. Which is why, many times, so many marriages end in divorce: there's little substance in the relationship. Guys, pay attention: intimacy isn't sex. Although you can be intimate during sex, many dysfunctional marriages aren't intimate or transparent, as sex becomes nothing more than an act of gratification. True intimacy involves knowing your spouse's heart: what he or she is interested in, his or her loves; you get the picture. When you have a true meeting of the minds in this way, bedroom activity will be intimate on an entirely different level.

The problem with that approach is that when you sever ties to your first marriage, you begin your next with the same challenges: you and your faults all over again. How about trying something that goes against the grain? Commit to making your marriage work and you just may find you reap far richer rewards.

If you choose to change these unhealthy beliefs about your marriage, what could end up happening? You may find that you have a satisfying, fulfilling relationship that lasts.

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Complacency is involved in the demise of numerous marriages every year. It can drain the excitement, passion, and energy out of a marriage.

Spouses who are complacent are not motivated to do things differently or work on making personal changes. They are often blissfully unaware of the dangers of taking a partner for granted and assuming all is fine when it's not.

Complacent spouses also lack the ability to know when it's important to take a stand and "draw a line in the sand." They have settled for the status quo and don't want to rock the boat or make waves. Many times, they look for the easy way out that involves the least possible expenditure of time or energy.

A former client I'll call "Edwin" was a complacent spouse. His wife periodically screamed and threw fits about insignificant things while he tried to tune her out. His goal wasn't to tackle the problems in the marriage head on. His goal was for his wife to finish her tirade as quickly as possible so he could get back to his TV program. He accepted the situation instead of working to change it.

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"Allie" was also a complacent spouse. She kept reassuring her husband that no matter what he did, she would always be there for him and that she would never leave him. Even though her marriage was unrewarding, she put up with the lack of communication and intimacy rather than take the risk to initiate change. Thus, she reinforced her husband's habitual neglect of her emotional needs and settled for a marriage that was unsatisfying to her.

Authors John C. Friel, Ph.D., and Linda D. Friel, M.A. in the book they co-authored titled The Seven Best Things (Happy) Couples Do write about the importance of being willing to divorce. According to the Friels, many not-so-happy couples have been misled into thinking that "If you love each other, you'll never think about ending it."

They write, "If you're too dependent on your partner to ever go to the brink, your relationship is in danger of becoming stagnant and dead, which will push you over the brink." The fear of taking a stand can indicate that you're feeling powerless and helpless.

The Friels state that if "you aren't willing to put your foot down now and then, the sparks begin to die out. The only two types of people who want to be in a relationship with a victim are either another victim or a perpetrator. Healthy people don't like the manipulation and martyrdom that go with the victim role. Adults don't like to be in a relationship with no resistance. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't have any energy in it. It feels stale."

When a relationship has an element of risk--knowing that your partner may choose to leave--you are less likely to take the relationship for granted and to get complacent. If you make the relationship too safe for your partner, he or she may become bored or stagnant.

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If you and your spouse are both "on your toes," you will be motivated to put more effort into the relationship. There's a big difference, say the Friels, between choosing to stay in the marriage versus being desperate to stay. When a spouse is desperate to stay in the marriage, he or she will be too scared to "go to the brink." There are risks in "going to the brink," write the Friels, but the risks of not doing so are worse.

Of course you need to take your time and think through the issues before taking a premature stand that you'll back down from. But taking a stand at an appropriate time in an appropriate, thoughtful manner could make all the difference in the quality of your marriage.

Am I advocating that you jump into divorce? Far from it. Many situations can be handled while a couple is still living together, once the energies of both partners are focused on solving the problems. In other cases, the possibility of a marital separation may be needed to fully get the spouse's complete attention.

In The Seven Best Things (Happy) Couples Do, the authors give an example of an appropriate way to deliver the news when a serious problem is involved, such as alcohol abuse or severe depression: "I love you more than anything else in the world. And, if you don't get some help for this problem, I will have to move out, or ask you to move out, unless you do get help, because I'm not willing to sit idly by and watch you go under."

Being able to take a calculated risk can "stir the pot" when change is direly needed. You don't want your marriage to die out with a whimper or to be dull and lifeless. Only you can answer the question, "Is it time to snap out of complacency and take action?"

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No man is an island. Two is better than one. Yes we get married because we want to be happy and to have someone to share this life with. In short, Marriages should be a peaceful shelter for husband and wife and to enjoy the trueness of their love. But it's not always the case; instead most marriages are filled with bitterness, heartaches and pain. Why? They are missing these keys below:

Love, if we talk about love in marriage, we don't only think of erotic or romantic love but we also include the two more types of love which are the philia and agape. Romantic love is essential for an intimate relationship. It is one way to express tender love to our mate. Philia is a sweet love for a dear friend. And a friend is a lover. Therefore our spouse is not just our romantic partner but they are our best friend or a lover. How about agape love, what does it do in marriage? Actually this is the highest form of love; it is unselfish, a sacrificing love that endures the test of time. Its interest is all about giving without taking. Tentacles of this agape love are; kindness, patience, understanding, consideration, respect, humility and etc. Its intention is pure,everlasting, unfading and endless. So even our romantic love may in time fade away, but philia and agape will still be there. So these kinds of love strengthen the bond of your marriage, even stormy times will come along your way. Do you think your relationship will be wrecked if true love is there?

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Good communication is not just honest expressions from our hearts, it includes listening with understanding. Our motive for communication is to mend not to tear the other down. Of course we can always find out that someone must be wrong and must be both of you, but communication works well if we know how to forgive and forget freely. If we say we forgive and forget, are we going to say it again in the future every time we have an argument? No. And that is the meaning of good communication; we express words that can heal a broken heart.

Commitment; to hear that word is burdensome for many. They thought to be committed is to be chained. But in marriage it's not suppose to be the case. If we are truly in love it will not be hard to be committed but it will be a feeling of delight.

So if we are missing these keys in our marriage, we surely have a lot of problems. If everything seems so hopeless, applying these keys is never too late. Remember even the hardest metal can be melted by burning coals. So melt his metal heart with your burning love and save your relationship now.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.