My Husband's Anger Is Ruining Our Marriage: My Husband Has Anger Outbursts

My Husband's Anger Is Ruining Our Marriage: My Husband Has Anger Outbursts

Most couples are exceedingly poor at resolving conflicts and yet, that is a basic skill that all couples must master. Constant fighting, bickering or arguing will undoubtedly put an enormous amount of strain on the relationship that could eventually cause it to crumble. Therefore, learning healthy conflict resolution is a must. In this article, I would like to outline some basic guidelines for arguments. If you can discuss these with your spouse and agree on them together, you will begin seeing changes in your relationship.

1. Do not play the blame game.

Instead, talk about how your partner's actions made you feel. Blaming each other simply adds more fuel to the fire that is already burning. Your goal is to put out the fire.

2. Be honest. Say what you are really feeling and don't take tangents.

Don't argue about one thing if something else is bothering you. Likewise, be honest about your feelings. If you are hurt, don't mask it with anger; instead share your true feelings.

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3. Give grace, show mercy, have compassion.

When someone is upset, they can say or do things that make it worse. Everyone is guilty of doing this sometimes. Extend some forgiveness, you will feel good for doing it, and they will feel good that you did.

4. It's not a competition to see who wins the argument.

Instead, focus on solving the problem. This means that you both will most likely have to compromise. Give in a little.

5. If your spouse is misunderstanding you, be patient, and try communicating again. Everyone is different, so although you think what you are saying is clear, your spouse may not; try again.

6. Do not bring up things from the past.

Work on resolving the current situation, at this time. If there are hurts from the past that have not been resolved, focusing on them in the midst of the current difficulties isn't going to help.

7. Don't go to bed angry.

Waking up angry is a bad feeling and things typically escalate from there. Sometimes you simply have to agree to disagree for the night, and remind each other that you do love one another. You can continue the conversation the next day.

8. Do not call each other names.

Remember you are mad at the situation or the actions of the person.

Even the smallest changes can start to make a difference in your marriage. Give some of the ideas on this list a try....you might just surprise yourself, and your spouse. Your marriage is worth fighting for.

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Have you ever been irritated because your spouse does things differently than you do? Do you get upset if he or she has different opinions and makes different choices than you would? If so, you have bumped up against some of your own personal control issues and triggers in your marriage. Here are three important points to consider:

1. Fear underlies control issues.

Control issues cause problems in many marriages. The feelings you experience at those times can be very intense and may include rage at the other person. Most people feel more secure when others around them mirror their opinions, beliefs, and choices. Your safety needs and fears contribute to your wanting others to be just like you. The old adage, "There is safety in numbers," refers to this primitive fear of standing alone.

Also, many people feel more in control when they can predict the behavior of others and when others meet their expectations. Then they don't have to experience the discomfort of growing, changing, or stretching themselves. Instead, they can pretend that their world is logical, orderly, predictable, and safe.

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2. Thinking your spouse should be just like you harms your marriage.

Your control issues are also triggered by viewing your spouse as an extension of yourself. This perception can result in trying to dictate which clothes your spouse wears, how she wears her hair, who she is friends with, what political views she holds, and what she can or cannot do. While your spouse may initially make some changes trying to keep the peace, you are creating a parent-child dynamic in your relationship that will eventually foster rebellion and resentment.

3. Using insults and name calling are attempts to regain control.

While nothing sinister is involved in many control issues in relationships, pathological behavior can be triggered in some instances. For example, a partner who is angry that the spouse did not follow his dictates could become physically and emotionally abusive. The partner may think he has the right to "punish" the other person. Name calling and derogatory put-downs, such as "What a stupid thing to do," are often used to re-establish control over the other person.

It's easy to point a finger at your spouse and to state that he or she needs to change. It's hard to face your own unresolved issues head-on and take responsibility for how you need to change. As you become more aware of control issues in your marriage, the starting place for change is always with yourself and your response to what is happening.

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Keep your parents and your children out of your marriage. You may be wanting to save your sanity and save your marriage by talking to someone, but pick someone who is not your parent or your child. Once your parents or your children are in your marriage, it's hard to get them out.

When you are in conflict with your spouse, it is really tempting to use whoever is handy to vent to. It is true, you do need marriage help. Often the people available most available to us are our children and parents. They are typically most often in our presence, and if we don't see them throughout the day, they are often the people we speak to on the phone most frequently. Although, perhaps the people most available to us, and even perhaps the people most supportive of us, they are not the most appropriate people co complain to about your marriage or problems or your spouse. Couples sometimes even use a response that his/her parent has made to information shared by the injured spouse. These sensitive communications become just another dirty fight tactic.

There are many reasons not to use your parents or children as your confidante in marital issues. Children, regardless of their age, would be put in an untenable position of trying to decide where their loyalties lie. They may have compassion for you and not want to hurt your feelings, but they love your spouse as well. They can feel guilty trying to decide how to handle the responsibility for the feelings that you just dumped on them. Either way they go, they could end up "betraying" one of their parents. It is a "no-win" situation. It is not fair to be put in that situation.

Parents, of course, tend to take your side. When someone hurts their "child" they will be angry with that person. They tend to take to heart all your complaints and often come to view your spouse as the "bad" or "wrong" person you have presented him/her to be. When you get over being mad, resolve the conflict, make up, and forgive him/her, your parents may not be so quick to do so. That can create strained relationships between your spouse and your parents for years or decades. As you try to deal with the difficulties created, if you fail at resolving the new conflicts created, it can damage your relationship with your spouse or with your parents.

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There are other ways to get marriage help. When you need someone to talk to about the conflicts in your marriage or your hurt feelings, talk to your trustworthy best friend, your clergy person, or a counselor. It helps to have a confidante to work through feelings. In talking about what happened, you get a better understanding of the event and your feelings. You may even come to understand your partner's perceptions. If you have no confidante, there are some other things you can do.

Write out how you feel. Write your spouse a letter. You can collect your thoughts and identify how you really feel. If you then feel safe, talk to your spouse about what you have written in your letter. If you don't believe that your spouse will hear you, write him/her a second letter taking out the blaming and acting out of feelings, but leaving in the important information and feelings. Give them the letter. Let him/her read it alone. If you believe that you can never tell your spouse how you feel about what has happened, seek help immediately. It won't get better. You can stuff your feelings, but they will leak out around the edges in passive aggressive or other expressions of anger and hurt.

There are always exceptions. When there is abuse involved in the conflict between you and your spouse, you must tell someone-even your parents-in order to receive help in removing yourself and your children from danger and damage. Much of the danger and damage of being in an abusive environment is not just the black eyes and broken bones, it is the fear, stress, and broken spirit that comes from being the "victim" or an observer of the violence. In violent families it may also be too dangerous to tell the violent spouse how you feel.

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A happy marriage is the uniting of two people in love, as one under GOD, together in holy matrimony.

"...to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. " - for all time.

Occasionally happy MARRIAGES undergo enormous pressure, due to unexpected mistrust of one spouse and they become miserable DIVORCES. So where to from here? One answer that springs to mind, If you haven't already guessed, is a peaceful, secluded marriage retreat. If you think your strongest attribute to your character is your WILL POWER and your spouse's is their WON'T POWER, then a marriage retreat is just the solution for you to help save your relationship.

A retreat renders the troubled couple into total isolation, often worlds apart from the couples usual everyday lifestyle and daily grind. Couples may discuss specific matters of the heart without any family or friends, uninvited advice, intrusions and interferences. Marriage retreats rely upon couples engaging with groups of couples suffering the same wedlock problems, to encourage group participation. The focus of the retreat is to help improve all couples situations, uninterrupted. Couples soon come to realize the huge problems they have been encountering in their relationship. Especially the breakdown in communication they have with each other, the dynamic structure of working together as a married unit that doesn't exist and not knowing where to begin at solving their marriage problems.

Counseling delivered to the couples not only brings them closer together, it also offers couples the opportunity to discuss their private issues of intimacy and troubles that are suffocating the marriage. The professional marriage counselors and therapists that deliver such a service are usually selected for their top rate expertise and skill in resolving marriage issues. Marriage counseling sessions gives all couples, peace of mind, the opportunity to enjoy quality time together and could last from a couple of days to a week.

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Help is available for individuals who request personal therapy sessions to address infidelity issues and adultery. The Personal therapy sessions can sometimes make amends for the former infidelity, for the couple, allowing them the chance to stop pointing the finger, dealing out the blame by forgiveness. Communication between the couples throughout the retreat is paramount to their success.

The marriage retreat aims to help couples to conduct themselves in a grown up and mature manner, when discussing their own personal issues and problems. The old adage that "actions speak louder than words" is so true in every way, so much so that in order to help couples renew their relationship bonds, the retreat offers games the couples can play.

1. Retreat couples challenge - Couples are introduced to games to help with communication. As couples progress throughout the games, they are challenged to think on their feet by implementing the knowledge and skills learned in the previous challenge games and bringing them into play in their marriage.

2. Marriage Retreat courses - Promoting personal independence, team building, partnerships and communication. This course hones in on emotions and feelings affecting the couple, and helps them overcome their difficulties, together or individually.

3. Marriage Counseling - Set in a peaceful, secluded and safe environment, the marriage retreat allows couples to freely air their marriage problems and relationship disputes while providing them with workable, easy resolutions.

A Marriage Retreat is the best marital resource and vehicle to improve your relationship skills and develop useful tools to help rescue your marriage, while positioned in a breathtaking location, exclusively basking in the ambiance and presence of your loved one.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.