There are a number of reasons why one can have relationships that are not very fulfilling, and one can play a part is if they have the tendency to end up with people who are not available. So when they are in a relationship, it can be as if they are with someone who is not really there.

Something Is Missing

It will be clear that the other person is physically there, but that is going to be about as far as it will go. What will stand out is the fact that the other person is not there emotionally; this part of them is going to be somewhere else.

They will be able to share their body and their mind with them, but they won’t be able to share their heart. Their relationship will stay on one level and it won’t be possible for them to create a deeper connection.

Another Experience

There may have been times when they met someone who lived far away or while they were on holiday and the distance would then have been too much. The connection between them might have been strong, but it wouldn’t have possible for them to take it further.

It can then be as though someone lives close and they are unable to commit to them, or they are able to commit but they live too far away. Based on this, if someone who lives far away swapped places with someone who doesn’t, their life would be different.


When one has only been with people who are not available, they might believe that this is how their life will always be. Each experience they have had will then have had a negative effect on them.

Yet during the beginning of each relationship, part of them might have felt as though it would be different this time. This part of them will have played a big part in why were in this position to begin with; if it didn’t exist, they probably wouldn’t have taken this step.

The Driver

It could be said that this part of them will be fuelled by the part of them that has the desire to experience intimacy. No matter how many relationships they have that don’t go to plan, it is not going to cause this part of them to disappear.

It might be covered up for a few months or even a few years, but it is still going to be there. And as it won’t simply disappear, it is easy to see why one would experience so much pain when they are unable to fulfil this need.

One Option

One could have a relationship where the other person is not available and then they could take step back. After they have had a break, they could end up getting back out there and the same process could take place all over again.

When this happens, one is going to be doing the same thing and expecting a different result. What this can show is that one believes that this is something that is out of their control, and that their life will change when they meet the right person.

More of the Same

After a while, one may find that they are able to meet someone who is different; this will allow them to put what has happened in the past behind them. One could believe that their luck has changed.

On the other hand, this might not take place, and this will mean that one will continue to suffer. It is then going to be vital for them to take a step back and to see why this is taking place.

An Observer

The trouble is that if one believes that this is something that just happens, it can stop them from being able to do this. One could say that there is no reason why they would choose to experience life in this way.

Therefore, if they were encouraged to look into what part they are playing, they could say that they are being blamed. This is going to stop them from being able to see that this person is trying to assist them.


What this can show is that one is out of touch with their inner world, and this is why they see themselves being nothing more than an observer of what is taking place in this area of their life. If they were able to get in touch with what is taking place in their body, they may begin to understand why their life is the way it is.

This could be a time when they will see that the reason they attract people who are available is because they fear intimacy. When they imagine meeting someone who is available, they might end up feeling smothered and as though they will lose themselves.

A Deeper Look

The reason they feel this way can be due to what happened when they were younger, and this may have been a time when one of their caregivers got too close to them. Their boundaries wouldn’t have been respected and this would have caused them to lose themselves.

Through having these experiences, it would have been normal for them to form negative associations around getting close to others. Time would then have passed and one would have gradually lost touch with what is taking place within them.


So as getting close to others was seen in a negative light and one lost touch with how they felt, it could be said that it is to be expected that they would attract (and be attracted to) people who are not available. Keeping people at bay will be what feels safe, and being safe will be far more important than their need to experience intimacy.

If one lived in a world that encouraged self-awareness, there would be no reason for them to have experienced life in this way for so long. As this is not the case, what one experienced as a child will have defined their life for all these years.


Fortunately, one is now in touch with what is taking place within them and this will give them the chance to change their life. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here.

Author's Bio: 

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand three hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. His current projects include 'A Dialogue With The Heart' and 'Communication Made Easy'.

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