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Articles from Margaret Paul | Selfgrowth.com
- 7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship - by Submitted on Feb 08, 2005 from Margaret PaulGood relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my clients state that, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health ...
Views: 24951(6 votes) - *** Cinderella Was Not Saved - She Was a Happy Person All Along! - by Submitted on Apr 13, 2009 from Margaret PaulWould the prince have chosen Cinderella to marry if she was a miserable young woman? If her stepsisters were beautiful but miserable, would he have chosen either of them? Are you living under the delusion that when you meet your soul mate you will finally be happy - that your misery is because ...
Views: 18019(15 votes) - ***Is Your Partner Always Pointing Out Your Flaws? - by Submitted on Sep 14, 2009 from Margaret PaulSome people believe that it is caring to point out their partner's flaws - that it will help to make that person a better person. But the intent behind pointing out flaws is not loving - it is controlling.Pointing Out FlawsBy pointing out flaws, you hope that your partner will let go of the ...
Views: 17048(4 votes) - When Someone Rejects You, Who Are They Rejecting? - by Submitted on Feb 10, 2010 from Margaret PaulThe fear of rejection is a huge issue in relationships. For some, the fear is so huge that it stops them from being in a relationship. For others, it plagues them throughout their relationships and causes much anxiety.Rejection is a part of life, and learning to lovingly manage it is very ...
Views: 14355(4 votes) - High Maintenance Relationships - by Submitted on Sep 08, 2009 from Margaret PaulWhat is a high maintenance relationship? A high maintenance relationship is when someone is making you responsible for him or her in various different areas of life. Emotional High MaintenanceWhen a person takes no responsibility for their own feelings of safety, security, worth, lovability, ...
Views: 14056(3 votes) - Alcoholism: Why Can't I Stop Drinking? - by Submitted on Aug 06, 2007 from Margaret PaulThe underlying basis of all addictions - and alcohol is no exception - is the avoidance of pain. While there is evidence that some people have genetic and biological predispositions toward alcoholism, not all people with these predispositions abuse alcohol or become alcohol dependent. Many ...
Views: 11175(2 votes) - ***Loving Yourself First - by Submitted on Dec 05, 2009 from Margaret Paul"I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line."--Lucile Ball, 1911-1989, Comedienne and ActressLucile Ball was a very smart woman!Do you believe that if you put others first, they will love and value you and you will feel ...
Views: 10546(18 votes) - Healing Emotional Dependency - by Submitted on Feb 17, 2010 from Margaret PaulYou are emotionally dependent when your happiness, sense of safety, and sense of worth are dependent upon others' love, attention, and approval.When you were growing up, perhaps you heard statements like: "What will the neighbors think?" "What will__(so and so)__think if you do ...
Views: 10157(6 votes) - ***"I Feel Empty" - by Submitted on Jul 20, 2009 from Margaret PaulIf you feel empty, you are not alone in feeling this way.Many people feel empty inside, and most people who feel empty have some deep false beliefs regarding why they feel empty. Below are some of these false beliefs.I feel empty because:• My partner is not giving me ...
Views: 10056(6 votes) - "We Can't Communicate" - by Submitted on Dec 08, 2009 from Margaret PaulWhat are couples really meaning when they say, "We can't communicate"?The issue with understanding what this means is what they mean by "communicate."All too often, when a partner states, "We can't communicate," what he or she means is "I can't get my partner ...
Views: 10044(6 votes) - ***Why Do Men Change After Sex? - by Submitted on Oct 05, 2009 from Margaret Paul"Why do men so often change after sex?" asked Shelley in our first phone session. "Tell me what you mean by this. What has been your experience?" I asked her."I meet a guy who I like. We are very attracted to each other - lots of great chemistry. It doesn't take long ...
Views: 10014(5 votes) - ***The Silent Treatment - by Submitted on Oct 14, 2009 from Margaret PaulResearch indicates that children would rather be yelled at than ignored. When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is - other than physical abuse.The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to ...
Views: 9934(5 votes) - ***Can't Say "No" to People? - by Submitted on Jan 19, 2010 from Margaret PaulWhat are you afraid of if you say "No" to people? Here are some of the things my clients have told me regarding their fear of saying no: "I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. Then they will get angry at me and I will feel like a bad person." "I'm afraid of ending ...
Views: 9407(2 votes) - What Is Emotional Dependency? - by Submitted on Jan 13, 2010 from Margaret PaulAre you emotionally dependent? You might want to go through this checklist.__I cannot feel lovable and worthy without another's approval. __I need a lot of attention from certain people to feel that I am okay. __I don't trust my own feelings. I need others' to validate my feelings. __I am afraid ...
Views: 9213(7 votes) - ***Self-Validation - How to Validate Yourself - by Submitted on Feb 22, 2011 from Margaret PaulFrom the time we are born, we need validation. Loving parents offer consistent validation to their children, validating their feelings, their perceptions, their gifts and talents, their particular form of intelligence, their interests, their kindness, caring, and intuition. You are very ...
Views: 8648(4 votes) - Toxic Guilt, Healthy Guilt - by Submitted on Jun 10, 2006 from Margaret PaulGuilt is an important feeling. It is the appropriate feeling to have when we have deliberately done something hurtful or harmful to others. People who can harm others without any feelings of guilt or remorse were formerly called sociopaths or psychopathic personalities, and are now defined as ...
Views: 8525(2 votes) - ***"I Just Want to be Understood." - by Submitted on Dec 21, 2010 from Margaret Paul"Seek first to understand and then to be understood." - Stephen CoveyHow often have you heard yourself say:"I just want someone to understand me.""I just want to be heard.""I feel invisible.""I just want to be seen."I know what it feels like to ...
Views: 8338(1 vote) - Energy Vampires - by Submitted on May 22, 2007 from Margaret PaulDo you sometimes wonder why you feel so drained after being with some people, while you feel energized when being with others? Some people are energy vampires, and actually drain energy from you. How do they do this? What can you do to avoid this? WAYS PEOPLE DRAIN ENERGY Sometimes the ways ...
Views: 7774(2 votes) - *** Emotional Dependency vs. Emotional Freedom - by Submitted on Jul 14, 2009 from Margaret PaulWhat is Emotional Dependency?Lydia consulted with me because her relationship with her husband, Andrew, was falling apart. Andrew had moved out, stating that he could no longer tolerate Lydia's neediness and constant pull on him to make her feel loved and secure. Now that they were separated, ...
Views: 7410(6 votes) - ***Do You Wake Up Happy or Anxious? - by Submitted on Jun 22, 2009 from Margaret Paul"I can have a really great day, but when I wake up the next morning I feel anxious. Sometimes the better day I've had, the more anxious I am the next morning. I can't figure it out." I hear this over and over from my clients. What is happening here? The Tyranny of the Ego Wounded ...
Views: 7038(6 votes) - “I Need A Partner to be Happy” - by Submitted on Oct 06, 2006 from Margaret PaulDo you believe that you need a partner to be happy? My client, Adrienne, an attractive woman in her 50’s, has been married and divorced twice. She was unhappy in both marriages, but she still believes that she needs a partner to be happy. This belief continually leads her into inappropriate ...
Views: 7013(1 vote) - Addiction to Self-Judgment - by Submitted on May 01, 2006 from Margaret Paul“I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?” “I’m a looser. I’ll never get anywhere.” “I’m so stupid. I should have learned this by now.” “I don’t fit in. I don’t belong with these people.” “I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never do it right enough.” “I’m permanently emotionally damaged. I’ll ...
Views: 6765 - ***Speaking Your Truth When it's Hard - by Submitted on Aug 11, 2010 from Margaret PaulHow often do you withhold the truth from someone important to you - your partner, friend, parent, child, co-worker - because you know he or she will get angry rather than care about you?How you do feel when you don't speak your truth about something that is important to you? It is likely that ...
Views: 6513(1 vote) - Moving Beyond Codependency: Saving Your Marriage - by Submitted on Oct 08, 2007 from Margaret PaulI have counseled couples for almost 40 years, and it still thrills me when a couple, especially a couple with children, choose to work on their troubled marriage instead of leave it. It is my experience that when two people really want to save their marriage, they can. Even if one person wants ...
Views: 6266(1 vote) - ***Healing the Fear of Intimacy - by Submitted on Dec 02, 2009 from Margaret PaulWhy would someone be afraid of intimacy? Don't we all want to feel close and connected with someone?Yes, of course we want that, but there are very real fears that keep us from opening to emotional intimacy in a primary relationship.The FearsWhat is the first fearful thought you think when you ...
Views: 6232(4 votes) - Hurt Feelings vs. Hurt Heart - by Submitted on Nov 11, 2009 from Margaret PaulClifford, 42, married with children, told me during a phone session that he was tired of not feeling happy and joyous. "As a small child, I remember being so happy and excited about life. But my parents didn't receive me at all. They were indifferent to my creativity and ...
Views: 6180(6 votes) - The Consequences of Permissive Parenting - by Submitted on Jun 17, 2007 from Margaret PaulYou are being a permissive parent when you are compliant, indulgent, or indifferent with your children. When you are being compliant, you are giving yourself up and going along with what your children want to avoid their upset with you. When you are being indulgent, you are giving in to your ...
Views: 6128(2 votes) - ***Addiction to Video Games - by Submitted on Nov 02, 2009 from Margaret PaulEd consulted with me because he was concerned about his 16 year-old son. "He doesn't have any friends. I'd like to spend more time with him but there doesn't seem to be anything he likes to do.""How does he spend his time?" I asked."Playing video games."Betsy ...
Views: 6061(3 votes) - The Calm Mind - by Submitted on Mar 23, 2009 from Margaret Paul"The more tranquil a [person] becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom." --James Allen, 1864-1912, Author of As A Man Thinketh Of all the challenges in life, calmness of mind is probably one of ...
Views: 6011(1 vote) - Are You an Optimist or a Pessimist? - by Submitted on Jan 19, 2009 from Margaret Paul"I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." - Winston Churchill When you notice your thoughts, which kind of thoughts predominate? Do you find yourself often thinking pessimistic thoughts such as: I'll never get where I want to go. I'm a loser.I'm not smart enough to ...
Views: 5996 - Law of Attraction: The Importance of Feeling Good - by Submitted on Oct 14, 2010 from Margaret Paul"It's really important that you feel good. Because this feeling good is what goes out as a signal into the universe and starts to attract more of itself to you. So the more you can feel good, the more you will attract the things that help you feel good and that will keep bringing you up ...
Views: 5889(7 votes) - *** Relationship Breakup: Heartbreak and Healing - by Submitted on Jun 29, 2009 from Margaret PaulLindsay called me for counseling because her boyfriend of 18 months had just ended their relationship. Lindsay, 28, had been sure that Jake was "Mr. Right.""I am so heartbroken," sobbed Lindsay. "I don't know how I’m going to get through this. It feels like my ...
Views: 5855(5 votes) - ***Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner? - by Submitted on Aug 09, 2011 from Margaret Paul"We can't seem to connect anymore."This is one of the most common complaints I hear in my counseling practice.We all know that it is generally easy to connect at the beginning of a relationship - before all the protections and defenses come up. But what do you do to reconnect once you ...
Views: 5826 - ***Core Sadness vs. Wounded Sadness - by Submitted on Apr 09, 2010 from Margaret PaulVery often, in my work with my clients, when I ask them what they are feeling they say, "I feel sad." Often, they do not know why they feel sad.Sadness comes from two very different sources.Core SadnessCore sadness is sadness that is in reaction to something that is happening or has ...
Views: 5798(7 votes) - ***What Does It Mean To Have Integrity? - by Submitted on Feb 11, 2008 from Margaret PaulWhen I was in school training to be a psychotherapist, one of my professors introduced me to a concept that I find very valuable: "bad faith." We are in bad faith with ourselves and others when we are out of alignment with what is true for "who we really are." Who we really are - who is ...
Views: 5787(1 vote) - *** Happiness and Financial Success - Which Comes First? - by Submitted on May 12, 2009 from Margaret PaulWhich statement do you believe is the most true? Happiness brings you financial successFinancial success brings you happinessYou might be surprised to learn that research suggests the first statement to be the most true. Again, which statement to you believe is the most true? Happiness is ...
Views: 5759(3 votes) - ***Is It Important to you to be Healthy? - by Submitted on Dec 24, 2009 from Margaret PaulHow important is your physical health to you? Of course, most people will say that they really want to be healthy, but what are you willing to DO to be healthy? And what are you willing to NOT DO to be healthy? In other words, what is more important to you than being healthy?Is more ...
Views: 5733(4 votes) - How Do You Define Success? - by Submitted on Mar 10, 2010 from Margaret PaulTake a moment to go inside and see how you define success. Is your success defined by:How much money you have?Having a big house and an expensive car?How expensive your clothes are?Traveling first class on airlines?How attractive you are?How attractive your partner is?How famous you are?Winning ...
Views: 5706(7 votes) - ***Relationships: Cheating - by Submitted on Aug 27, 2009 from Margaret Paul"Why would my boyfriend cheat on me?""I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me. I want to know why.""I know that my husband has been cheating on me for years. I don't get why he does this."Why do people cheat on their partners? Why do others have affairs that their ...
Views: 5690(5 votes) - Addiction to Distractions - by Submitted on Apr 12, 2010 from Margaret PaulWhen we were growing up, we experienced many life situations that caused us deep heartbreak. Any time we lost someone we loved, or we were yelled at, ridiculed, shamed, ignored, not seen or connected with, physically or sexually abused, or treated in any other unloving ways, our little hearts ...
Views: 5682(3 votes) - Heartbreak - by Submitted on Feb 01, 2010 from Margaret PaulCeline, an only child, was 7 years old, her mother died tragically in a car accident. She and her father were devastated. However, unlike so many of my clients who lost parents and no one was there for them, Celine's father was completely there for her, even while dealing with his own grief and ...
Views: 5474(4 votes) - ***Moving Beyond Emotional Dependency - by Submitted on Aug 30, 2010 from Margaret PaulAre you ready to be your own person? Are you ready to move beyond neediness and into emotional freedom? Are you ready to stop needing others to make you feel that you are okay? Are you ready to learn to fill yourself with love and define your own worth?I hope so! Being emotionally dependent is a ...
Views: 5430(3 votes) - *** Relationships: Giving Yourself Up Can Kill You - by Submitted on Jul 07, 2009 from Margaret PaulYears ago, when on a book tour for our book, "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", my ex-husband and I had dinner with a couple on the East Coast with whom he had become friends. I connected with Allison (not her real name) immediately. Warm and open, I could see that she was ...
Views: 5413(8 votes) - The Secret to Emotional Healing - by Submitted on May 06, 2010 from Margaret PaulWhat does it mean to emotionally heal? It means that you know what you are thinking or doing that causes fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, anger, jealousy, and so on, and how to learn from and heal these painful feelings. It means that you no longer turn to addictions to avoid loneliness, ...
Views: 5412(2 votes) - *** The Meaning of Life - by Submitted on Apr 06, 2009 from Margaret PaulSome say that the purpose of life is to seek happiness. Is happiness the purpose, or is happiness the result of another purpose? Is happiness the meaning of life, or is happiness the result of discovering what has heart and meaning for you? There is not one right answer to this question. The ...
Views: 5351(3 votes) - ***Avoiding Your Feelings by Focusing on Your Partner - by Submitted on Nov 25, 2009 from Margaret PaulWe all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and processes. Some of the ways can be very subtle.Leon often struggled with feeling empty inside. Inner emptiness is a symptom of a ...
Views: 5299(3 votes) - ***Do You Feel Loved or Unloved? - by Submitted on Jan 20, 2011 from Margaret PaulDo you feel unloved? Do you know what would make you feel loved?Ask yourself: Who do you feel loved or unloved by? Your partner? Your parents? Your children? Yourself? God?Feeling Loved or Unloved by Yourself and/or GodWhat does it mean to feel loved or unloved by yourself?You will likely feel ...
Views: 5292(3 votes) - ***What Will They Think? - Love and Approval Addiction - by Submitted on Aug 25, 2010 from Margaret PaulWhen you were growing up, how often did you hear, "What will they think?"Who are "they?" Unfortunately, "they" are everyone. Many of our parents and caregivers were love and approval addicted and geared their behavior to try to have control over getting love and ...
Views: 5291(3 votes) - ***Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse - Overt And Covert - by Submitted on Oct 21, 2008 from Margaret PaulOur society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will ...
Views: 5262(1 vote) - ***Do You Avoid Failure Like the Plague? - by Submitted on Sep 24, 2010 from Margaret Paul"You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."--Mary Pickford, 1893-1979, Actress and producerThere are two kinds of people: those who focus on avoiding failure, and those who focus on learning ...
Views: 5205(2 votes)