________________________________________
Discover the way out of choosing the wrong relationships over and over.
________________________________________
Do you find yourself choosing a similar wrong partner over and over? This is what Laura asks about:
"How can I get past the point of ... Views: 1689
Some say that the purpose of life is to seek happiness.
Is happiness the purpose, or is happiness the result of another purpose? Is happiness the meaning of life, or is happiness the result of discovering what has heart and meaning for you?
There is not one right answer to this question. The ... Views: 5224
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."--Eleanor RooseveltWhy should most people be thinking about you? They are far more concerned with what you are thinking about them to spend time thinking about you!Right now, take a moment to ... Views: 3321
Do you judge yourself for the past? Discover why and what to do about it.
Brianna wrote to me, asking:
"I am having a difficult time forgiving myself of past mistakes and it feels like it haunts me every morning and I get bogged down in swirling thoughts which only holds me ... Views: 1417
When I married my ex-husband in 1963, I was determined to create a stable, loving relationship. I wanted an intact family where we could raise our children and share the joys of our grandchildren.We did raise our children together, but ended the marriage after 30 years. We do get to share the ... Views: 3655
________________________________________
Are you focusing on getting your partner to change to avoid a painful choice that you might need to make?
________________________________________
If you find yourself often focused on healing others or hoping you can get others to change, it is ... Views: 1573
On April 1, 2011, Matt Cantor, Newser Staff, posted "As Americans Get More Self-Centered, So Do Lyrics Study finds increasingly narcissistic words in top 10 hits."Today's hit songs aren't about "us"-they're just about "me," a study finds. Researchers examined ... Views: 3053
Discover the difference between needs coming from emotional dependency and authentic needs that we have within a relationship.
________________________________________
Every few weeks I do a free webinar. People can listen on their computers or on the phone; they can write in asking ... Views: 3080
"You find yourself refreshed by the presence of cheerful people. Why not make an honest effort to confer that pleasure on others? Half the battle is gained if you never allow yourself to say anything gloomy." --Julia Child, 1912-2004, Chef, Author and Television PersonalityWhat is your ... Views: 2826
--------------------------------------------------------------
How honest are you willing to be with yourself regarding your intent?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, when there is conflict in a relationship, it's hard to tell if you are withdrawing ... Views: 1510
This article on CNN Health - http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/08/17/bitter.resentful.ep/index.html?&hpt=hp_c2-by Elizabeth Cohen, is very interesting, regarding the negative health effects of blame and resentment."Feeling bitter interferes with the body's hormonal and immune systems, ... Views: 3279
By Margaret Paul, PhD
October 31, 2016
Do you have major challenges in emotionally connecting with your family of origin? You are not alone!
Are you happy with your family of origin? Can you emotionally connect with your family? If you can, you are fortunate indeed. Many people feel ... Views: 1053
________________________________________
Are you aware of what state you are in when you and your partner come together?
________________________________________
On a recent visit with my daughter and her family, she and I were taking a walk and talking about our mutual work.
"I read a ... Views: 2028
"...no one ever pushes you toward freedom. You need to take that for yourself."
--Joan Erickson, wife of psychologist Erik Erickson, quoted in Joan Anderson's book, A Walk on the Beach.
Do you believe that someone has to give you your freedom? Do you believe that you can be free only when you ... Views: 2226
Discover whether or not it is loving to yourself to give someone the benefit of the doubt.
I was having a Skype session with Raul. He was feeling down because a woman he has recently met rejected him. He was confused because he hadn't actually really liked her on their first date, but he ... Views: 1244
Do you get stuck in not being able to resolve conflicts because you don't know how to bring up issues in a way that works?
Bringing up difficult issues is often a major challenge in relationships.
Laurie wrote to me about this issue:
"My biggest trigger in relationships is bringing up ... Views: 1166
Do you have the courage to risk loving yourself – even when you might encounter your children's uncaring behavior?
Most of us really don't like it when someone is angry with us. We don't like it when someone goes into resistance to helping us when we need help, instead of caring about us. We ... Views: 1394
In my counseling practice, I often have clients who tend to isolate as a way of protecting against their fears - especially their fears of rejection and engulfment. They are so afraid of being disliked, disapproved of, attacked or having demands made on them, that they choose to avoid ... Views: 2394
________________________________________
Love is not something that can be described – it needs to be experienced, and when you experience it through loving yourself, you will know how to love.
________________________________________
We read many things about what love is and what it isn't ... Views: 1170
"I can have a really great day, but when I wake up the next morning I feel anxious. Sometimes the better day I've had, the more anxious I am the next morning. I can't figure it out."
I hear this over and over from my clients. What is happening here?
The Tyranny of the Ego Wounded ... Views: 6879
Do you tell yourself that you are not a creative person because you can't draw or play an instrument or write poetry? I often hear many of my clients bemoan, "I'm not creative!"
This isn't true! We all have the ability to be creative - it is a God-given gift - but you might not be noticing or ... Views: 3817
Are you terrified of others' anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control?If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others' anger.Fear of Others' AngerI grew up with a very angry ... Views: 3353
"I know what's coming when Robert says that we need to sit down and have a talk," Maryann told me in our phone session. "He wants to tell me everything that is wrong with me. It's not about talking - it's about wanting to have control over me. Last time he did this it was all about how I spend ... Views: 2932
"I have a question about envy. I'm not talking about jealousy but specifically envy and how to be happy for someone else's good fortune. I feel like I have broke new ground on this issue as I have genuinely been able to feel happy for someone else recently who achieved something I hadn't but ... Views: 4495
Haley, 38, consulted with me because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. Shocked and broken-hearted, she tearfully told me about how wonderful he was and about how she didn't know how she could survive this break up.
Haley and Owen had been together for over 2 years and were making ... Views: 3425
_______________________________________________________
Creating a loving relationship doesn't have to be as hard as you might think!
_______________________________________________________
As most of us know, relationships can be very challenging. We generally enter a relationship with ... Views: 1356
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
August 29, 2016
Learning how to trust again is a process, not an event, and it take both inner and relationship work.
I received the following question about how to trust again:
"My husband and I remarried after we both got divorced and went through a number of ... Views: 1021
"Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself." - Thomas Moore, author, Care of the SoulMost of us would love to have intimacy and connection in our lives, yet we often ... Views: 2509
________________________________________
Loneliness is a huge problem in our society. It doesn't have to be this way.
________________________________________
A study "followed nearly 45,000 people ages 45 and up who had heart disease or a high risk of developing the condition. Those who ... Views: 1535
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
November 07, 2016
You have a much better chance at conflict resolution when you are loving yourself rather than trying to control the other person.
One of the questions I often receive is about how to manage conflict. If you think back to the role-modeling you ... Views: 928
I recently received the following request:"Hi Dr. Paul -- I would be interested in an article that talks about having needs vs. being needy.I was brought up to be ashamed of my needs. I was supposed to be self-sufficient. As a result, I am ashamed of neediness and often don't recognize my ... Views: 2724
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well." – Josh Billings, 1818-1885Research indicates that holding good cards is actually of great benefit in life. People born into wealthy families, who are emotionally and financially supported to become all ... Views: 3134
Marty tells me in a phone session,"Susan is always criticizing me. How do I get her to stop?"Fiona tells me in a phone session,"Jeff is often withdrawn. I feel so angry about this."It's always easy to see what your partner is doing that you don't like, but it's generally very ... Views: 2768
Are you stuck in misery? Do you resist taking responsibility for making yourself happy? Discover a possible cause of this.
One of the issues I frequently encounter with my clients is the following:
Sasha is in a long-term, on-again, off-again, relationship with Fabio. When Sasha is taking ... Views: 1062
There is a vast difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling kindness toward yourself.Self-PityWhen you see yourself as a victim, you indulge in self-pity. You are a bottomless pit of misery, and you may find yourself crying endless victim tears. You might say things like:Why do bad ... Views: 3707
How often do you withhold the truth from someone important to you - your partner, friend, parent, child, co-worker - because you know he or she will get angry rather than care about you?How you do feel when you don't speak your truth about something that is important to you? It is likely that ... Views: 6354
All of us have projected our own thoughts, feelings, motivations and desires onto others, and have been at the other end of projection. Many of us learned to project onto others as we were growing up, when our parents, siblings or caregivers projected their unconscious feelings, thoughts and ... Views: 2837
_______________________________________________________
There are many experiences that create momentary happiness, but there is only one experience that is truly the greatest joy in life.
_______________________________________________________
Take a moment to think about what you ... Views: 1019
"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us."--Stephen R. Covey, Author and SpeakerThis is a powerful freedom. And, from my point of view, another way of putting this is that the ultimate freedom is the right and power ... Views: 3174
"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." - Golda MeirDo you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body?Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of ... Views: 4882
I've been reading in many different sources about the research involving community and well being. In his best-selling book,"Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell opens with a study done in a small Pennsylvania town called Roseto.In 1882, Italians who lived in a town of the same name, Roseto, started to ... Views: 3103
Have you ever noticed how bad you feel when you try to control things you can't control - such as others and outcomes?Larry consulted with me because he was often miserable - despite running a successful business, and having a lovely wife and two daughters, whom he adored.It soon became apparent ... Views: 2953
Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will ... Views: 5175
I’ve been counseling individuals and couples for many years. More than half the time, when couples are having problems or the relationship is dissolving, sex is one of the major issues. There are a number of common scenarios:After a long marriage with regular sex, he comes home to discover that ... Views: 3459
When I was in school training to be a psychotherapist, one of my professors introduced me to a concept that I find very valuable: "bad faith."
We are in bad faith with ourselves and others when we are out of alignment with what is true for "who we really are."
Who we really are - who is ... Views: 5640
________________________________________
Many of us know that we need to be loving to ourselves, but what does this actually mean?
________________________________________
Since most of us had little or no role modeling regarding loving ourselves when we were growing up, it's often ... Views: 1440
Have you found yourself in relationships where you feel empathy for your partner but your partner lacks empathy for you?
Were you born with the ability to feel others' feelings? I was, and one of the issues that I had to face was that not everyone is empathic.
This was very confusing to ... Views: 1271
Did you grow up believing that if only someone REALLY loved you in the way you needed to be loved, then you would feel happy, safe, lovable and worthy?Certainly being truly loved by parents goes a long way toward supporting children in feeling safe and lovable, but it is not the whole story. ... Views: 2778
I grew up with a very angry mother who would attack me out of the blue. As a highly sensitive only child, the fear and heartbreak of being treated so unlovingly was unbearable. So rather than feel the hurt, I numbed it out by learning to stay in my head rather than being present in my body, and ... Views: 3521
Are you a complainer? Are you ready to do something different?
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." - Maya Angelou
Do you complain? If you do, why?
___I complain as a form of control - in the hopes ... Views: 1163