Feeling Insecure In Marriage: Jealousy and Insecurity In Marriage

Jealousy and insecurity are very destructive forces. Even people who are normally thought of as fairly evolved sometimes suffer from the disease of jealousy, and then all those around them suffer. Where does it come from? What can you do about it? Understanding the mind can help a great deal whether you are the one who is jealous or the one who is affected by someone else's jealousy.

The mind is sort of like a computer that connects you, the soul, to the world. It has two major parts, the upper mind and the lower mind. The upper mind can be thought of as the direct link to the soul while the lower mind is the direct link to the five senses, which feed information from the world. Because the upper mind is purity itself it is unruffled by contrary thoughts and feelings. But the lower mind is a whirlwind. Let me share a story with you that will help illustrate what happens to the soul when it comes into the world.

Once there was a prince who lived in a beautiful palace compound surrounded by a very high wall. The compound was relatively vast, encompassing hundreds of acres. Because of all the luxuries, the prince had never known any of the sufferings associated with the world outside of the walls. His life was perfect in every way. But one day due to boredom he had the idea of going out into the world to see what it was like. Although his father was aware of his plans he knew his son had to learn for himself what the world was like and he didn't interfere.

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The son/prince, thinking he was very clever, chose a cool evening to execute his plan. He exchanged his clothes with those of his servant and slipped through an unguarded door into the world outside. As he wandered the streets taking in all of the unusual sites he heard a great deal of laughter coming from a tavern. Out of curiosity he went inside with a great smile on his innocent face. Once inside he was immediately taken as a naïve traveler and was immediately subject to the "royal" treatment afforded strangers on the regulars' turf. He was greeted warmly as if he was an old friend and he was given drink after drink.

The next thing the prince remembered was waking up in the gutter with a huge headache. All of his fine jewelry was gone, his hair was a mess and he didn't smell anything like the prince of yesterday. The headache he had replaced his memory and he had no idea who he was. From there he wandered around the city trying to recall who he was and why he was so hungry and dirty. Some rude people gave him dirty looks and avoided him, while other more charitable people threw him a few coins.

A few days later, as he became accustomed to his environment, he cleaned up as best he could in a public bath and sought out a job. Within a few months he had acquired a fine job and slowly began to learn a trade as a shoemaker.

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By now his father wanted his son back. So he sent out his most trusted nobleman to find him. Before long the nobleman found him, but couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the king's son working in a humble shop. The nobleman went up to him but the prince did not recognize him at all. The nobleman did everything he could to remind the prince of who he was but to no avail. When the nobleman repeated the incident to the king he was told to go back out and convince his son of his true nature...

This is an illustration of the state of the soul. We have lost our way and lost our memory. But we are innately perfect and only temporarily confused. Our minds pick up all sorts of destructive habits and tendencies. But we are not our minds, we have minds. And it is up to us to remind ourselves that temporary negative qualities such as jealousy or anger are parasitic appendages rather than who or what we are. By recognizing attacks of jealousy as intrusions upon ourselves we can choose to push them away and reject them. Further, when a loved one is under attack by one of these evil assailants, instead of feeling defensive or victimized, we can assume the qualities of compassion and wait out our loved one's struggles.

Never think of jealousy as part of yourself or anyone else. Jealousy, like other unwelcome intruders, can be pushed out by the owner of the mind.

Tell your loved one you will always be there for them and say to them with the deepest sincerity of your heart, "I love you."

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For as many who are faced with diverse problems in their homes, the following are the tested and proven solutions to marital instability. These are important issues which need to be attended to urgently:

1. Do not blame your spouse for the situation of your marriage as that will only worsen the condition

2. Constitute a heart to heart discussion with your spouse for it will strengthen your love. After dealing with yourself and your own inadequacies, you then need to discuss with your spouse, talk together in love but sincerely.

3. Take a new decision on what to do. Decide what to do and stick to it, don't think of divorce for it is not an option.

4. Have a vision of what you want. Do not base this vision on marriage of others, but on the word of God and your joint expectations.

5. Cultivate the habit of praying together; remember that couples that pray together do stay together, pray together about everything.

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6. Talk about things you use to do together and how you did enjoyed them, discuss about how to return into them and their benefits.

7. Let God take over your home as you study His word together, give you home a new lease of life as you go through the scriptures.

8. Create 2 hours per day to talk to each other, about your life, children, joy, fear, plan, vision, aspiration. Talk about anything; your experience in the day, your encounter with others, talk about just anything.

9. Dedicate your attention to your spouse by making your spouse your best friend. Do everything you do with friends with him or her.

10. Always give each other generous doses of hugs everyday; do not underestimate the power of hugging, it will bring joy back into your marriage, because it is only friends that hug, enemies don't.

With the application of the above ways, you can be sure of redeeming back your marriage from the pit of divorce. It is important to note that, the above ways needs to be carried out from day to day. That is, it must become part of our life style. I welcome you to the midst of happy people and a happy home.

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Marriage is one of the best things that can happen to a man or woman. This is why in almost every culture; the celebration of the marital vow is cherished, honoured and filled with joy.

God designed marriage to give mankind magnificent joy and fulfillment. After He created Adam, He said, "I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Gen 2:18).

But how many marriages truly stand the test of time? Why do people who vow to live together for ever suddenly wake up and break that commitment? The truth is, as long as people live outside the plan of God for marriage, they would continually have marital difficulties serious enough to contemplate divorce. But is this what God wants?

Though divorce was mentioned in the Bible, it was never God's desire or intention for man. God's original intent was that marriage would last a life time. This is why His word expressly states in Matthew 19:6 that, "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh; therefore what God has joined together let no man separate."

God emphatically said He hates divorce - "For the Lord God of Israel says that he hates divorce." (Malachi 2:16)

Among all other problems and vices, divorce is one of the most impacting negative influences on a family, society and even within the Church yet it is growing at an alarming rate. Why is this so? If God hates divorce, and He planned marriage as a life-time union for man, how come we seem to like and indulge in it?

Please note that though Moses initiated laws of divorce in the Old Testament due to certain circumstances, it did not mean God changed his mind, but rather it was because of the sinful hearts of man. He still hates divorce. Jesus said, "Moses permitted divorce as a concession to your hard-hearted wickedness, but it was not what God had originally intended" (Matt 19:8, NLT).

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The Circumstances Allowing Divorce Include:

1. Adultery:

"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9, NKJV)

Infidelity is a ground for divorce. But it argued that this negates the place of forgiveness. Infidelity is a sin, yet the bible urges us to forgive the wrongs of others so ours may be forgiven by God. It did not say infidelity is an exception to this rule. But this not reduce the negative impact infidelity brings to a marriage. Besides, forgiveness is not easy to achieve when the hurt is deep and requires grace.

2. Abandonment:

This happens when ones spouse, especially who does not believe in Christian values, deliberately abandons the marriage and abscond or abdicates his/her responsibilities.

"And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace" (1 Corinthians 7:13-15).

Why Marriages End in Divorce:

Outside these grounds mentioned above, many people still find many reasons to break their marriages, essentially because divorce (which means putting away) is usually a result of little putting away or put offs, which could be caused by resentment and feelings of dissatisfaction with one's spouse.

"If my husband/wife would be this or that, I would be happy!" "If my husband/wife could only stop arguing when he/she is wrong, we would be happy!"

Indeed there are so many ifs that trouble peoples' minds that ultimately culminate in separation and divorce for things to be better. But is this usually the case? Perhaps the greatest reason why Christian marriages fail is because couples fail to govern their homes according to Christian principles!

If people have biblical convictions God's perfect will for marriage, it would become easier to reject divorce. This is where Christian leaders must strive hard to steer couples away from the thought or prospect of divorce, and encourage them to stay together and work things out by God's grace. But how many of these leaders' have sound marriages or biblical foundations to champion this goal?

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Divorce For Other Reasons:

Simply put, divorce for reasons other than those named above here is going against God's plan, which is a sin. But God is a God of grace and forgiveness. Repent and ask for His forgiveness and He will.

- But what if my husband is violent and repeatedly abuses me physically? Should I continue to live with a wife-beater who has beaten me to the extent of losing two separate pregnancies?

- Must I stay with a wife who brazenly attacks me with charm and fetish substances?

- My husband is a choir master but his wickedness to me and the children is unbearable; should I continue with him?

- My husband is an elder in church but he refuses to take care of the family financial. Should I die here?

- My wife is highly paid and is richer than I; but she does not want to drop a single kobo to support the home. Should I continue with her, knowing she is wicked and evil?

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The list of reasons why people want to divorce is endless. So what must you do if you fall into anyone of these categories?

In my candid opinion, when a Christian is not sure on this or any subject, he or she should choose to take the high-ground of principle over preference. Your choice should not supersede the word of God. This is a wise and safe approach.

When we insist on following the word of truth backed by sincere prayers, it will help us to come to agreement with the principle of strict and literal interpretation of the bible that marriage is God ordained "unto death do them part" (which applies to both believers and un-believers).

If you are not divorced yet but considering it, do everything you can to prevent divorce. Don't give up on the power of prayer. Don't give up on God too soon.

Remember too that the divorce rate for second marriages is 70% high! And for third marriages, it is even higher. This simply means divorce makes your chances of happiness get worse not better. If you want to quit your marriage and move to another presumably better one, you might just be courting more trouble for yourself.

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