Fighting With Spouse All The Time: We Fight All The Time But Love Each Other - When Her Husband Says He Wishes He Didn't Love Her

Arguing with the one you love most in your life is one of the most counterproductive things in the world. While some arguments in a relationship is actually healthy and can bring two people closer together, constant arguing will drive a rift between you two and possibly even cause a breakup or divorce. But don't worry, because if you follow these 5 simple steps, you will learn how to stop arguing with your spouse.

1. Identify what the real conflict is about. This is probably the most important step you can take. Many couples will argue over every little thing, but they never get to the real issue that needs to be solved. Is there a deeper issue that you and your spouse need to discuss?

2. Listen to your spouse. Instead of talking back and forth, set an allotted time for one of you to say everything they need to say. Once the time is up, its the other persons turn.

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3. Speak in terms of how you feel, rather than what your partner is doing to you. Saying "I feel very distant from you," is much better than saying, "you never spend time with me anymore." Its much harder for someone to argue with your feelings.

4. Don't play the blame game and do not insult each other. Stick to the issue you are currently arguing about and don't say hurtful things that may make things worse.

5. Take a break if the argument gets too intense. If you notice things starting to turn ugly, drop the argument until later in the day and allow yourselves time to cool down.

So there you go, if you follow these 5 steps, you will have learned how to stop arguing with your spouse. These may take some practice, but try to be conscious of them while arguing and do your best to follow them.

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Type the question into Google and in less than a quarter of a second it returns over two million links. Some lead to articles, others to "sure fire" products that promise to solve all marriage problems, and others to blogs that say one can and blogs that say one cannot.

Employing the slightest logic proves that one spouse cannot save a marriage. If a marriage involved only one person; one person could save it. By its very definition, marriage is a bond between two people. Therefore, if one leaves the bonds, the marriage is over, no matter how much the remaining spouse wants their marriage to continue.

Should the spouse wanting to save a marriage then give up all hope?

Absolutely not.

There are times when one spouse can do certain things that will likely lead the other to working out their marriage problems and salvaging the marriage.

Things That Do Not Work

The key to salvaging a marriage is for the hoping partner to understand that trying to make the abandoning partner stay is the kiss of death. People do not appreciate being forced, manipulated, or controlled. The spouse fighting to save the marriage will be unwise to use sex, money, guilt, cajoling, or anything else to try to keep the other from departing. Actually, the more one tries to force the other to stay, the more the other wants to leave.

Think of it this way: How would you like to be in a marriage where you chain your spouse in the basement so that they will always be there for you? Would you like the way they think about you? Feel about you? What they wish would happen to you? Of course, not. Using means other than chains doesn't really change the result.

Additionally, when the abandoning spouse knows that the other is there, waiting and longing, they have little motive to consider more carefully what they are doing. It's almost as if the waiting spouse is a net; if the new course of action doesn't work well, there's always going back to the one who is waiting no matter what.

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Things That Do Work

There are four things that cause one person to want to be closer to another. They are physical attraction, intellectual attraction, emotional attraction, and spiritual attraction. When one spouse is being abandoned, the best thing they can do is to quit clinging and work on the four areas of attractiveness.

Physical attractiveness has to do with how one looks. It doesn't mean plastic surgery or pretending to be 20 years younger. It does mean doing what it takes to be as physically attractive as one can be at their age and situation in life. That isn't competing with the physical appearance of whoever may be alluring the spouse. (Interestingly, many people involved in affairs say that the lover isn't as physically attractive as their partner.) It is making oneself the best they can be. It says to the abandoning mate, "Leave if you want, but I will survive without you and I will attract the attention of others. I may be in another relationship by the time you come to your senses."

Making oneself as physically attractive as possible reminds the other of the initial attraction that once existed. It also increases the self-confidence of the spouse being abandoned and gives a way to move on with life if the other spouse doesn't come back.

Intellectual attraction means that a person is perceived as mentally equal or better when it comes to matters of life. A person who is intellectually attractive is one that can be talked to in meaningful ways, one who understands important matters of life, and who stimulates the mind of the other.

The stereotypical "dumb jock" or "dumb blonde" may be attractive physically, but looks aren't all there are to a satisfying life. In the long run, people enjoy conversation on a peer or better level. When a spouse is being abandoned, moping doesn't accomplish anything. Deciding to learn, to grow, and to master matters of life accomplishes two things. First, it affects the person's self-confidence in very positive ways. Second, it causes the abandoning spouse to see that the person they are leaving is much deeper and more interesting than once thought. It again demonstrates, "You may leave, but my life won't end. I will continue to grow and new people will come into my life as a result."

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Emotional attraction occurs when a person evokes emotions in another that he or she enjoys feeling. That might range from laughter to feeling important to feeling safe and more. When one evokes emotions the other does NOT enjoy - guilt, shame, rebellion - the result is just the opposite of attraction. It is repulsion. Being strong, having friends, going on with life, laughing, and sincere joy are always attractive in another. The abandoned spouse would do far better for self and for the possibility of reconciliation if they found a way to enjoy life rather than clinging to the hope the other may come back.

Spiritual attraction refers to how one perceives the other's beliefs and values. Too often a person being left resorts to behavior inconsistent with, or directly contrary to, their beliefs and values. Some start drinking heavily. Others act out sexually. Some become quite mean. Whatever the behavior, if a person lets go of those things that they hold dear, they become a different person. More attractive? Yes, if they abandon unseemly behavior and become a better person. Not if they abandon lofty ideals and move in a downward spiral.

Each of these areas of attraction work for the benefit of the person focusing on them. At the same time, they may well stop the leaving spouse in their tracks as they see their spouse in a new light. When one knows that the other will move on, succeed, and have a good life without them, that person naturally becomes more attractive. Perhaps more attractive than what the departing spouse was moving toward.

So even if your spouse doesn't want to work on your marriage there are things you can do to win him/her back. And even in the event that it doesn't work, you are improving yourself for a better life than you would've had otherwise. But I've seen the formula described in this article work more times than not.

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What men want is a woman who practices inactive listening. Despite common belief, active listening, where couples make an effort to listen to each other, isn't as effective as it seems. What's more effective is inactive listening, that is, listening to what the spouse is saying when he or she doesn't necessarily mean for it to be heard. I'm not advocating eavesdropping on your spouse, but whenever he says something out of the blue, it's probably because it's something he has to talk about. Here's how to practice inactive listening and what to do after your husband says something (hint: if you think you should question him about it, you're wrong. That could cause him to close up even more.).

1. Start the one-way conversation

Get him used to the idea of inactive listening. You should talk about it with your husband. Surprise him by saying something crazy like, "you know what? Those relationship self-help guides are all rubbish. As if we need help talking to each other. I reckon we're fine the way we are. In fact, let's just talk less to prove the experts wrong!"

Then simply talk. Even if he's not listening (or appearing to listen), talk. Let him get used to your "free talking", where you're basically rambling about something. Notice that this complaining or nagging. You could be doing something as simple as talking about your day and who you talked to, etc. If he wants to respond, he will.

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2. He will start his own one-way conversation

After a while, he will also start doing the same thing. He will start talking about his day, what he did, who he met, he talked about. Do something else (cook, clean, lie on the couch) and absorb it. If you listen to him intently, that will unnerve him, making him less likely to practice this sort of talking.

He will get comfortable just talking in your presence and basically saying whatever's on his mind. That's the ideal sort of communication, where what you say is what you mean and there's no malice behind it, nor can it cause anyone to be upset.

3. Talk About It

This is where you start the two-way conversation. It should all be natural. Avoid confrontational questions like, "what was that supposed to mean?" or anything else that reveals that you may have interpreted something negatively.

Remember, you're aiming to get him to free talk. Get him comfortable talking around you. Your man will then want to talk directly to you more and will show more love for you that way.

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When a married couple is having problems, sometimes they know they need counseling, but either can't afford it, or just don't want to go. Today's technology lets you get the help you need without ever leaving your home. You CAN find good marriage help online, if you know what to look for.

Online Forums

Most forums are started by people in your situation. They are having problems, and don't know where to turn for help. An online forum can help you, but it is important that you remember that forums are primarily for support.

When marriages are in trouble, people need support. That is what forums are built for. Different people in basically the same situation, talk to each other and try to help each other.

Do NOT mistake this for professional help. They can help you, though, by knowing that there are others out there that understand how you are feeling, and will talk about it with you.

Online Relationship Sites

These sites are good for a few things, but don't cover the really important things that go on in a marriage.

They will tell you the basics, like how important it is for you to talk to your spouse.

When my spouse and I are arguing, it's kinda hard to talk about it. it only leads to more arguing most of the time.

They offer advice on how to handle money troubles, children, in-laws, friends, and so on. They don't go into great detail, though.

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Online Videos

These may also be of some help, but most are made by regular people, like you and me, who are trying to help other couples.

There is absolutely no harm watching them, and some of them may actually help you. Many people would rather watch videos or listen to MP3's than to read a book.

Jut be careful when someone says that you can save your marriage immediately. It's just not possible. While you can fix a problem quickly, it will take a little time to fix everything that's going on in your marriage.

Online ebooks

These you have to pay for, but most of them do help. They are written by professionals.

One advantage of these is that you can read them from your computer instead of buying a 'real' book at a 'real' store.

You can read it in privacy, and you can save your marriage, even if your spouse doesn't think it needs help.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com