Husband and Wife Quarrel: Quarrel between Husband and Wife

In every relationship there are bound to be disagreements. How a couple handles these conflicts has a lot do with how they end up feeling about each other. I am a firm believer in the old adage: "do not go to bed angry". When we do not feel heard and understood we tend to resort to coping mechanisms that we have used before. It is most likely still a familiar remnant of how we have dealt with conflict since we were children. As adults we have the choice to develop new coping mechanisms that serve us and our relationships better.

I can remember how I used to storm out of the room because my feelings were so overwhelming and I did not feel understood. I have had to find other ways of coping with my feelings instead of storming out of the room. I would be all emotion and no longer could think clearly. Some other people begin to lash out physically or with words when they do not feel understood.

Here are helpful ideas for managing strong emotions

1. You feel strongly about the issue at hand and want your thoughts to be heard and understood

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2. The more worked up you become the more you find yourself operating from pure emotions.

3. When you are all emotion you are no longer able to think clearly.

4. Therefore, it becomes important to find a way to calm oneself by breathing deeply or taking time out. You may have to say "I need to calm myself down so that I can continue the discussion reasonably."

5. When you are calmer think through as to why this is so important to you. Usually there is anxiety and worry about something.

6. Be sure to give your partner the courtesy of listening.

7. When you have both expressed why this is so important to each of you it will become easier to arrive at a solution that both can support.

Here is an additional reminder: do not go to bed angry.

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It doesn't take a psychologist to know that our parents have a tremendous impact on the kind of people we turn into, including how we behave in relationships.

Unfortunately, in this area there are surprisingly few hard-and-fast formulas. Just as adult siblings may describe their childhoods growing up in the exact same household in completely different ways, the lessons that children take away from their parents' marriage are often unpredictable. The key, then, is not to look for black-and-white answers but for awareness of what you learned in childhood about relationships, and how it has negatively or positively played out in your own.

For instance, consider how divorce impacts children as they grow up. We do know that the divorce rate among children of divorced parents is much higher than for people whose parents don't divorce-perhaps as much as twice as high. In some cases, these offspring take the marriage commitment less seriously, so they're more likely to call it quits rather than taking the hard steps of working through problems.

Conversely, some children take an opposite view. Determined to avoid repeating the pattern, they attempt to stay married at all costs. But that commitment needs to come from a place of strength rather than weakness. For instance, if someone felt abandoned as a child-or felt that one of their parents was abandoned by the other in the divorce, they may adopt a "please-my-partner-no-matter-what" strategy. That's not good for any relationship. I'm not talking about staying in an abusive relationship-that's another topic altogether-but avoiding conflict at all costs, even when it means you don't stand up for your own needs for fear of "failing" at marriage or driving your spouse away (because that's what you perceived happening with your own mom or dad).

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The way your parents dealt with problems can also become a generational pattern. A child who grew up in a home where parents fought all the time may fail to learn constructive communication skills with their own partner. Fighting-including shouting, intimidation and name calling-may seem perfectly normal to them. After all, children lack the perspective to know what's normal or not, and it can be hard to unlearn the examples we absorbed during our formative years.

When the child grows up, how does that affect their own relationships? They may be so conditioned to fight "ugly" that they can barely comprehend why their partner breaks down in tears or puts up walls.

Yet here again, the offspring of warring parents (or other warring family members) may come away with a different message altogether. Theirs is more of a "been there/done" that mentality-they have zero tolerance for conflict. On the one hand, if that means choosing calmer, more respectful tones when working through conflict, that's a positive repudiation of their parents' style of arguing. On the other hand, perceiving every note of discord as a frightening outburst doesn't help much, either.

Couples counseling can be extremely helpful in providing a safe forum for partners to understand where their gut reactions are coming from, why their communication styles seem worlds apart, and how to find ways of dealing with conflict that feel comfortable for both.

It's all about insight. As with all aspects of life, understanding why we do the things we do can help us grow and improve in our relationship skills... and if we have children of our own, try our best to model the best behaviors that we can, knowing that it will could have a positive impact for generations to come.

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Many people who feel being on the top of the world during the period following the marriage suddenly feel grounded when they get a child. The birth of a child brings a lot of joy to the parents, no doubt. In fact, the arrival of a child in your life will add a new meaning to life, making your life more dynamic and more exciting. But bringing up a child is also a challenging task and this task often introduces new strains in the marriage.

Shocking as it may seem, many a marriage is threatened by the arrival of a child. The young parents do not anticipate the demands a child can make on their time, energy and financial resources. With a major part of the time and energy taken up in attending to the child, the young people are left with very little time for their love life.

When you have fewer and fewer occasions to express your love to your spouse, the marriage begins to lose its sheen. Before they realize what is happening, the young couple start wondering whether the marriage is worth saving. This is a dangerous trend and unless this is checked in time, a marriage break up may become inevitable.

This is not a hypothetical situation but a reality in the lives of many young men and women.

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Many women feel a lot of stress after they give birth to a child and they feel that their burden is not being shared by their men. Men on the other hand feel that their women are so much obsessed with the child that they do not care to show their love and concern to them. Both the feelings are real but if the men and women understand the facts behind these feelings, they will be sympathetic to each other.

A woman is physically strained both before and after the child birth. Her husband should realize this and show some concern for her health. A man may have concern for his wife but may still not show it. On the other hand, he may be showing his concern for the child's health and may even be blaming his wife for not taking care of the child! This makes the woman feel that her husband is no more concerned about her welfare. If only the husband says a few kind words showing his concern for his wife and offers to help her in taking care of the child, the woman's spirits will be lifted up very high.

The woman, for her part, should show her love for the man even while tending the child. A smile here and a kiss or hug there will work out miracles. If she just says how her preoccupation with the child has made it difficult for her to spend more time with her husband, the husband will feel elated.

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Genesis 2:18, 21-24

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

On June 2, 2014 my beautiful wife and myself will celebrate 30 years of marriage together and now have been blessed with the privilege of assisting in raising our 4 Great-Grandchildren. Maybe we did something right? (smile)

The traditional Judeo-Christian morals that I was taught by my mother and grandparents' dictated that a man and a woman were to be bound together in marriage for the purpose of assisting each other, procreating and starting a family and contributing to the community's benefit. As far as I know, this concept is still in effect to this day unless someone changed the rules and did not inform me.

These same moral values were incorporated by the founding fathers of this country in the drafting of the United States Constitution and other legal documents that laid the foundation for this great country.

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Somewhere along the line, our society has gotten off of the track from where God intended for us to be.

Remember, all law originated with God's law. In other words, man's law does not supercede God's law. Morality cannot be legislated. When Jesus came to earth, He came to restore and reclaim that which was lost to Satan by the first Adam through sin. This He accomplished at Calvary on the cross. We should be familiar with the story by now.

The Bible (King James 1611 Edition) makes clear God's views on the relationship between a man and a woman and it also states His view on those who choose to disobey His decree on the subject. God is not the author of confusion and His WORD will stand, His will be done... period.

Jesus came to usher in the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33) not set up a religion and a kingdom is not governed by democratic vote.

Since the 1960s when prayer was legislated out of public schools, morals in America have been declining to what appears to be a 180° turn around from what was taught to my generation and has served me well for nearly 70 years. Be careful America... do not repeat some of the fatal mistakes history teaches us that others have made.

The time has come for the "silent majority" in this country to take a stand and return to the moral foundation values that this country was built upon. It can be done and now is the time.

GOD BLESS AMERICA and ISRAEL, our troops and our leaders!

Looking back over nearly 30 years of marriage and considering all of the peaks and valleys, I am convinced that God's intention and purpose for marriage is valid and well founded. There is no way secular man could have conceived such a perfect plan for a holy union.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

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