My Husband Says We Are Not Compatible: My Husband And I Are Not Compatible - He Said We Are Not Compatible

Do you remember the early days when you and your partner seemed so 'together'?

Do you recall how you both seemed to be 'as one' in your views, dreams and plans?
It's not uncommon for couples to realize, over time, that they have as many differences as they do similarities.

There are also many pressures involved in making a marriage work and sometimes, when couples realize that they have areas of incompatibility, it can make them question their future together.

Does difference equal divorce?

One of the most commonly stated reasons for divorce is 'irreconcilable differences'.
This is often the end of a long road that starts with the appearance of incompatibility in marriage.

Although incompatibility in marriage leads to divorce in some cases, it really needn't
get to this point.

All couples have common ground and areas that they are very much 'in sync' on but they will also undoubtedly have beliefs, interests, opinions and other areas where they are very much on a different page to their spouse. And you know what? This really is perfectly normal!

Most couples choose a partner, and were indeed initially attracted to them, because
they are different from themselves. This makes them interesting. It is a shame therefore for these differences to eventually drive some couples apart.Differences are inevitable and it is how couples deal with these that makes all the difference. So what should you do to compensate for these differences?

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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Grow together

Managing differences is something that all that couples need to do to ensure they
grow together and not apart.Here are three tips to become more compatible with your spouse and keep your marriage strong:

1. Focus on things you agree about rather than those you don't.

This means that you will see the 'whole picture' and appreciate your partner more because you are not just looking at the things that bug you.By remembering all those little things you love about your partner you will be

able to put their little annoyances in better context!

2. Pursue shared interests

If you have things in common that you enjoy doing then make time to do them. Take a regular walk together, play tennis, discover a new restaurant - whatever your shared passion is - make sure you enjoy it together!

By keeping up joint activities you can share happy times together and build fond memories for now and the future.

3. Pursue solo interests

Don't give up on all those things that you love but your spouse hates. Marriage
doesn't mean giving up things that mean a lot to you and help you to relax, grow or flourish as a person. By building in time to enjoy solo activities you will not only feel re-charged as a person but you will be a better, more contented partner.

All couples have areas of incompatibility; learning to put these in context and avoid
them taking over your marriage is something that can easily be achieved.All marriages can be strengthened by working on the areas of difficulty and sometimes it is the simplest of actions that can go such a long way.

So don't delay. Don't let your differences tear you apart, find out how using simple marriage guidance tips you can strengthen your marriage today.

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Far too often in counseling sessions I have heard things like: I don't feel like s/he loves me, I feel like I come second, third or fourth, I feel put aside, I feel unappreciated. Statements like these are often followed by, "I love him (her), but I am not in love with him (her)." When people's needs are not being met in their relationship there is a tendency to withdraw and withhold, creating an even larger wedge between partners.

Our unsatisfied needs move us to action. When we are feeling that our partner does not love us or that we are not important to them, we will do things to try and reassure ourselves that we are loved and important to our partner. Too often the action that we take moves us farther away, rather than closer to getting our needs met. Consider the wife who feels neglected because her husband is frequently staying late at work. When he does finally get home she is sullen, hurt and angry. What she needs is to feel loved and like he values and wants to spend time with her. However, her behavior ends up pushing him farther away and the time that they do spend together is unsatisfying to both.

For each of us, it is ultimately our own responsibility to meet our own needs. That being said, it feels amazing when our partner helps us to get our needs met. We cannot control what our partner does. We cannot make them behave as if they love us or as if we are important to them. But we can control our thoughts and actions. We can behave as though we love them and they are important to us. Feeling that our needs are not being met can at times make us blind to the needs of those around us.

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Before you can jump in and work at meeting your partner's needs, it is vitally important to first take some time to work on meeting your own needs. Give yourself the gift of loving and accepting yourself. Give yourself the gift of acknowledging and knowing that you are important and that you are worth it. Self-sooth. Find ways to strengthen and energize yourself.

When you come at trying to help your partner feel loved and important, from a place of knowing that you are loved and important by and to yourself, then your feelings will be more those of giving rather than resenting. When your partner's needs are met, it is more likely that they will be more aware of your needs and behave in ways that helps you get your needs met. As you can see from the example above, unmet needs too often lead to behavior that is counter-productive. At those times, it takes skill to recognize the need underneath your partner's behavior.

You can choose to deal with what you can control and decide to reach out to your partner and focus on giving, rather than worrying about what you are not getting. Be aware of the human tendency to give love in ways that feel loving to you. It is extremely important to know your partner and to learn what it is that feels loving to them. Giving gifts of love can feel like a credit or deposit in their emotional bank account. But as Stephen Covey pointed out, "Nothing you do is a deposit unless the other person perceived it as such. "

If you do not know your partner and do not give in ways that are meaningful and feel loving to them then your sacrifices and gifts of love will not be recognized as such. When we focus on giving love, rather than focusing on what we are not getting, we will feel more loving toward our partner and hopefully they, as their emotional bank account fills up, will start behaving and feeling more loving in return.

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When you consider a situation in which your marriage is to be saved, you should remember that there should have been strong underlying factors that have caused an enormous strain on the marriage. The problems threatening a marriage can be diverse ranging from a series of simple misunderstandings culminating in a conflict to serious issues like infidelity.

Analyzing the reasons for marriage failures has thrown up a large list that contains some strange and unexpected reasons. The most common reasons for a marriage break up are:

1) Physical separation:
If the couple had been physically separated by the compulsions of their jobs or profession, the issue may appear trivial in the beginning. But over a period, the separation will lead to apathy, loss of love and even antipathy. The question 'Why should I be tied to a person by wedlock when he is away from me most of the time?' will be a natural outcome of a long period of separation with either or both the partners not doing anything to make up for the loss of physical contact and to maintain their intimacy

2) Recurring Conflicts:
Differences are bound to crop up between two individuals who live together. But if the differences are not reconciled, some bitterness will develop in the relationship. Sometimes, the differences escalate into conflicts. While even sporadic conflicts are adequate to destroy a relationship, a scenario of recurring conflicts is a recipe for disaster.

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3) Problems like serious illness, addictions etc:
If one of the partners develops an incurable disease, the other partner may become sympathetic and shower even more love on the suffering partner. But some people may not be so broad-minded and will think why they should allow their life to go waste just because their spouse has a serious problem. If one partner has a problem of addiction, the other partner will most probably prefer to walk out of the marriage.

4) Incompatibility:
Incompatibility is often cited as a reason for divorce. This is a situation in which both the partners may be perfectly okay as individuals but are just not able to adjust. The problem lies at the psychological level and can be usually solved by sensible counseling. But incompatibility remains a major cause for marriage break up.

5) Affair:
If one partner has an affair and the other partner comes to know of it, the marriage will be under a sever threat of break up. Most of the people have an innate intolerance to infidelity. They find their partner's extra marital affair so revolting that they will resist any talk of reconciliation.

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There is a lot of relationship advice for women out there that tries to explain how to get that work-life balance. However, there isn't much out there that talks about how to get man-life balance. It's really important to keep "doing your own thing", especially when you're married. Not only is it important to have a life outside of your family, it also establishes the fact that your time is valuable to your man, making him really appreciate the time he spends with you. If you're afraid that by spending too much time doing what you love, your man will drift away from you, here's 3 ways my wife has kept up her volleyball hobby while keeping me close to her.

1. I'm Her Accountability Partner

This is an aspect that I love about her hobby. A lot of spouses don't like their partners interfering with their hobby, but my wife has made an effort to include me in her volleyball.

Basically all she does is maintain an exercise routine and diet. She has to take in enough protein every week to stay strong. By coming to me and telling me what she's eaten, she's focused and I'm driven to help her reach her goals.

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2. She's My Accountability Partner

Perhaps even more important is the fact that she's allowed me to do my own thing and has put herself forward as the person to come forward to be accountable to.

My thing is table tennis. I was in the state team, but now I'm just in regional. Granted that it's not at strenuous as volleyball, I'm still serious about it and I keep her on track with my progress every week.

3. "I've Got To Focus"

There are times when she tells me that she has to focus on a game. My role as an accountability partner is temporarily stopped and I basically go out the picture to let her get in the zone.

She literally tells me to "go away", but there isn't any animosity in it. I respect that her space and am personally proud that she is so disciplined. A disciplined woman is extremely attractive. It just shows that she values herself.

So there are basically varying periods of keeping me close and pushing me away that both combine to make sure I don't stray. I love being a part of her hobby and I know she enjoys helping me out too. So to summarise this bit of relationship advice for women, we want to help you out. Let us help you and you will never have to worry about us spending time with other women while you're busy.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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