I Want To Reconcile My Marriage: Steps To Marriage Separation Reconciliation

I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with husbands who can't come to a decision as to whether or not he wants to reconcile. Often, the uncertainty and lack of commitment is very frustrating and hurtful. It can feel as if your life is still up in the air when all you want is a little stability.

I heard from a wife who said "my husband and I have been separated for three months. Over time, things have improved significantly between us. I see some very positive signs and this never ceases to get my hopes up. There is nothing that I want more than to reconcile with my husband by the time the holidays roll around. I want us to all be together as a family for Christmas. However, every time I bring up reconciling my husband says he just isn't sure. He won't make a firm commitment and says he just wants to "wait and see" since things are going so well. This is so hurtful to me. I don't see why he is holding back. Everything is going very well between us. My kids miss their daddy. So why won't he just commit to reconciling? And how should I act around him to make sure that he does? Because this is creating some tension between us." I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Some Reasons That Your Husband May Be Unsure About Reconciling: I hear from a lot of husbands in this exact situation. And I can share with you what many tell me about their hesitation. Sometimes, they just want to take their time and make sure that it's right. They don't want to move back in, get everyone's hopes up, and then watch their family go through him moving out all over again if things don't work out. Some of these husbands will tell you that they think their wife is on her best behavior to try to lure him home and the fear is that she will eventually resort back to old behaviors once he has made the commitment to reconcile. And some worry that since nothing has really haven't changed in terms of your problems, the same issues are going to be present once he comes home.

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Now, none of these objections are impossible to overcome. As you might suspect, sometimes time and progress can help you to overcome all of his doubts and potential objections. Often, time, progress, and your sincerity will show him that things continue to just get better and better between you. Frankly, his seeing this for himself is often much more effective than any words that you could ever say.

How Should You Act When Your Husband Isn't Sure About A Reconciliation?: What I see working the most often is having loving patience combined with having a plan. And I know that this probably isn't what you want to hear. I know first hand that it's so tempting to try to apply more pressure or to just try to keep talking in the hopes that one day, he will give in. I know that you want him home within a very short time frame. But usually, applying more pressure will hurt your chances rather than help them.

Because you need to show your husband that what you ultimately want is for the two of you to be able to be happy again for the long term. So your goal really should not be about getting him home as quickly as possible (no matter what you need to do to accomplish this.) Instead, it should be about making sure that it's absolutely right when it does happen so that it will last.

To that end, you want to be as patient as possible. If you ask your husband about a reconciliation and he says he's not sure, then it's probably not in your best interest to keep asking. He needs to see that he can trust the positive path your marriage is taking. And nagging or pressuring him runs counter to what you are trying to accomplish.

So, a suggested script might be something like "well obviously that's not what I was hoping to hear, but when we do reconcile, I want you to be one hundred percent sure that this is what you want because I want for us both to be happy and together forever. I don't mind giving you time and being patient because I know that it will be worth it in the end. There's no need to rock the boat when things are improving between us. And I want them to continue to improve because my primary goals are you and our marriage. But I'm also thinking in the long rather than the short term. "

And, nothing says that this wife's family couldn't be together during the holidays. In fact, since the two of them were getting along so well, there was no reason to believe that they wouldn't share a happy family holiday. Sure, they may not be together as a reconciled couple (at least not yet,) but they would still be together as a family and they could still lay the foundation for next year.

So to answer the question posed, although I can't tell you what to do, my suggestion would be to be loving and patient and to build upon the progress that you have already made.

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Relationship issues come in lots of different packages and knowing how to get through a rough patch is not always easy. How do you deal with relationship stress when you think your marriage is falling apart? Worry is one of those common problems that many of us misunderstand because we usually aren't sure what's happened.

So many times - anxiety, worry, headaches, or anger - occur because of our own hidden agendas or the unconscious conversations we have with ourselves when trying to deal with things internally.

Seldom does stress just happen when someone does something or says something we have internalized without knowing all of the information we need. We aren't aware of what we do to cause our own anxiety. Should it seem that your relationship is showing signs of falling apart, consider these actions:

...make a list of your problems

...assume that you have a part in the problems

...be aware of what you tell yourself about your problems

...rid yourself of negative self-talk

...write out what you think is actually going on

Have you and your partner made time to recognize and discuss the issues or problems causing trouble in your relationship?

So many times we make mountains out of molehills and problems we think exist are head-games we play with ourselves, not actual problems. Often problems you think you see in your relationship is a misunderstanding of events, conversations, or circumstances that haven't been explored and discussed, but are assumed.

Assumptions are one of the biggest relationship problems in existence - assumptions usually cause negative and resentful interactions with those we think we have a problem - usually, our partners. If our partners are treated with negativity and animosity, they will give up trying to please us or make any necessary changes.

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Another big issue is that of expectations. When we find our selves expecting our partners to act a certain way, do things the way we want them done, when we want them done, we are definitely asking for trouble.

We (many of us) resist expectations like a plague! It's absolutely against our nature to do things just because someone expects us to in the way they expect us to without regard to our basic human nature, our internal makeup.

We aren't puppets and we can't perform as if we are!

Once you change how you view your internal actions and reactions, stress begins to diminish and change starts to take place - your ability to change will almost guarantee a change in your partner. Once their stress is relieved because they can't possibly please you and be at your beck and call, they will begin to see how they have been a part of the problem.

Change is hard! We can't always get what we want when we want it - any necessary changes take time. Get rid of your hidden stress triggers - calm down and become more positive. If your relationship hasn't changed once you've made changes and lowered your stress level, realize if you can, good relationships rely on both partners with each partner having a role in the problems and conflicts and it requires both of you to resolve them.

There are too many factors at play to assume anything in our relationships! We aren't always fun, loving, caring or committed to each other everyday - that's just too unrealistic. It's the fairy tale we want but know we can never have ~ it doesn't exist:

...we're prone to find problems where none exist

...we can't be happy thinking that good things happen

...we'll find our soul-mate

...we'll never have troubles

Learning to see who we really are as people and how we interact with others and seeing how we sabotage our relationships is an enormous step in the right direction.

Rather than looking for the problems and conflicts - try being less critical and faulting others and their attempts - we all struggle with the same imperfections and control issues - nothing is good or bad, right or wrong, and perfection is an affliction.

Give each other a break - remove yourself from your troubles. In the meantime, give up trying to control how others behave; banish your anger and frustrations and remember what Natalie Goldberg, wrote in Wild Mind, "stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency."

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For years I have watched people get married then divorced. Many people seem to think that marriage is a temporary status and no commitment is necessary. Yet when couples have children, resources and even pets, divorces cause problems. Many counties and cities are now requiring premarital counseling because divorces rates continue to increase in our society. Discounts on marriage licenses are given to couples who have had marriage counseling. Pastors of local churches often require engaged men and women to attend counseling secessions before they will perform the ceremony. For this reason, civic, social and religious organizations have found White Bible Ceremonies ways to challenge couples to strive toward successful marriages.

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I have found that during a White Bible Ceremony, the couple is given advice for successful marriage. The marital advice is based upon principles from the Bible, experts and personal experiences. The advice-givers are people who have been successfully married for several years. The characteristics of a successful marriage are presented in the form of object lessons to help the couple remember the advice. The highlight of a White Bible Ceremony is the presentation of a family Bible with information pages that can be passed on to future generations. Any civic, social or religious organization that is interested promoting everlasting marriage may honor a couple who has plans for nuptial bliss. A facilitator may be chosen by the organization to coordinate the event. The honorees may be members of the organization or a couple that the group would like to extend best wishes for marital bliss. A household shower and reception may follow the presentation. Guests may have the opportunity to give their advice and extend congratulations. The couple is challenged to make a lifetime commitment and is presented a White Bible that can be passed to future generations.

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Cynthia shook with anticipation. Although it wasn't a brand new experience for her, she hadn't made love to her husband in 7 weeks. The new baby brought a lot of challenges to her marriage. She'd gained a few more pounds than expected and she still had some insecurities about her body. In addition, John seemed preoccupied since the baby had come. He was a good daddy, but he just didn't seem attentive to Cynthia's needs anymore. He often said he was busy with projects at work. He stayed on the computer at all hours of the night. When she questioned John about this, he would snap telling Cynthia that his projects were the only source of income for the family.

Cynthia sometimes wondered if he was seeing another woman. But how could he when he was home on time every night and he was always accessible by phone? After all, how could John cheat, he was a child of God? He would never do that. The only "other woman" he had was that computer.

Tonight, Cynthia decided to surprise her husband and interrupt his "date" with his computer. Of course they needed the money, but Cynthia needed to be loved, held; and she just needed her husband.

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Regardless of Cynthia's insecurities, she was brave enough to drape herself in a sexy ruby red sheer robe which covered her matching lingerie outfit. As she sauntered into John's work area wearing her sexy red stilettos, she was shocked to see her husband on their computer watching naked men and women engaging in the most graphic sex acts!

"John! What are you doing?!"

"Cindy, I can explain."

Without another word, Cynthia ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet stool with tears streaming down her face.

John quietly walked in, not knowing what to say to his wife because he was caught off guard, and ashamed it happened this way.

He thought, "Why is Cynthia so hurt?" I'm not cheating on her with another woman, am I?

John loved Cynthia, but he was obsessed with pornography. It had nothing to do with her. He had been struggling with this addiction for years...

It all started at the age of six. John's best friend Casey knocked on his door one day. "Johnny, come to my house. I gotta show you something."

Since John did anything he could to please Casey, he went without hesitation.

"Look what my dad's got in his closet. Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines! Hurry up before he gets home from work... "

Getting a glimpse of these erotic pictures gave John a weird feeling at first, although he was captivated by the women, their breasts, their lips, and their other private parts. This was a new, but eerie experience for John.

"Whatever you do," Casey said, "Don't tell your parents."

That thought lingered with John for years, so he made a conscious decision NOT to tell his parents or anyone else.

Meanwhile, John sat and thought as he held his trembling wife who had been crying for over two hours as a result of her grim discovery.

His mind drifted as he thought, What would have happened if I did tell mom and dad, or at least somebody? Would I be in this pathetic position right now?

Keeping his pornography a secret caused John's addiction to grow uncontrollably. But who could he tell? He felt trapped, and now his marriage was probably in jeopardy.

While some people believe that you can grow out of pornography addiction, this wasn't the case with John.

In fact, as John became older, his curiosity grew, and he started visiting Casey's house even more to look at pornographic magazines and eventually movies. Eventually, John started accessing pornography on his own through the Internet, after his parents bought him a laptop for his 13th birthday. A few of his male friends knew about it, but they watched it too. John even thought he could conquer this problem by marrying Cynthia, but to his dismay, it was still such a powerful force in his life. And after almost twenty-five years of watching naked women and men, (sometimes even women), performing such explicit sexual acts with one another, John had kept his secret hidden so well until now...

He felt lost: Not knowing what to say to his wife, still wondering why she was so hurt. Cynthia was at a loss too. While some women are totally unaware of their husband's addiction to pornography, Cynthia knew he had watched it a few times in the earlier years of their marriage; but she thought he had overcome this guilty pleasure.

Although John wasn't cheating physically, he was still cheating. How could she stop this porn monster from ruining her marriage? Was it her? Was she not attractive enough, sexy enough? Why couldn't he just leave the porn alone? After all, he did love her, didn't he?

Like Cynthia, so many women are crushed by the discovery of their husband's addiction to pornography. They feel lonely, left out and helpless on how to get rid of this problem.

Pornography addiction is a sin that can destroy the marriage relationship. But what happens when you don't know what to do about it? Is prayer enough to save your marriage from this powerful addiction?

Understand 3 things about your husband's pornography addiction:
1) It probably started many years before he met/married you.
2) It's not necessarily a sign that he doesn't love you.
3) You can overcome this pornography problem in your marriage with the proper tools because many women have.

Watching pornography can derail a man's emotions, eliminate the intimacy in his marriage, and ultimately destroy the entire marriage relationship. The problem is while many women are frustrated with pornography's effect on their marriages, they don't understand where it all started. If your marriage is being destroyed and battered by the effects of pornography, there is hope. The first step is for you to prayerfully make a decision that you will do whatever it takes for your marriage to overcome this addiction. Fortunately, many women have found deliverance for themselves and their husbands. There are a variety of tools and resources that can help you to do this.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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