Married Couples Sleep In Separate Beds: Married but Living In Separate Rooms

Recent studies show that more and more couples are sleeping in separate beds, and even in separate bedrooms. Numerous reports claim that 1 in 4 couples have taken up this habit and the National Association of Homebuilders predicts that by 2015 60% of new luxury homes will be built with more than one "master bedroom" to accommodate this growing trend. When this topic was discussed on a recent Oprah Winfrey show, Dr. Phil didn't mince words as to what he thought of this trend.

"If people are building homes with two master bedrooms, a village somewhere is missing an idiot" chimed in Dr. Phil on an Oprah Winfrey "Are You Normal?" show that aired on October 1, 2010. There are many legitimate reasons that have couples who claim to be "happily married" to separate beds and even separate rooms. Some couples just simply find it hard to get a good night's rest sharing their bed with a partner who snores, moves around too much, gets up frequently to use the bathroom, enjoys a mattress of a different firmness, talks in their sleep, wants to sleep in a different temperature on or just basically hogs the covers. Add to this the strain of having babies who wake up needing to be fed, children who crawl in bed after a bad dream and it is little wonder many couples crave a little space and sanctuary of their own.

However, sleeping in separate rooms can be a bad habit for couples to fall into, slowly damaging the special bond between husband and life. Dr. Phil pointed out that the intimacy that comes from talking in bed late at night and early in the morning with your spouse is one of the things that is exclusive to a marriage and distinguishes it from other relationships in our lives.

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So have you and your spouse fallen into this bad habit of separate bedrooms? Is it a convenience, or a sign of problems? There's a difference between sleeping in the spare room when you have a cold and are coughing all night (that's being considerate) and making the decision to take up separate sleeping areas on a permanent basis.

From personal experience I can tell you that permanently separating sleeping areas with your spouse is not a positive habit for the overall health of your marriage. While different sleep schedules and sleep preferences led to a more and more regular habit of "just sleeping in the other room", before my husband and I realized it the habit had turned into a permanent solution. In retrospect, the separate room decision did mark the beginning of the overall eroding of intimacy in our relationship, even if we didn't realize it at the time. I wouldn't say it was the cause of the end of our 20 year marriage, but it certainly didn't help and was a symptom of larger problems that we were reluctant to address.

Have you fallen into the bad habit of sleeping in separate rooms? Are their issues on your marriage that you are reluctant to address? It's never too late to give your marriage a "tune up" and develop more healthy and loving habits. Even if your spouse is not interested at working at making your marriage better, you can make an amazing difference to the quality of your marriage if you know how.

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Sometimes we take our baggage of mistrust and pain into our marriage marriage and we drop them at our spouse's feet. Tell me if parts of this story sound familiar?

John's Mistrust

John never trusted a woman fully, even after years of being married to Mary; he had some periods of lack of trust, thinking that his wife was cheating on him. He would sneak home in the middle of the day thinking he may catch his wife's lover. But there was never any man at his home apart from the one in his mind. If he went out shopping with his wife and a young man smiled at her, he would get very suspicious of her wondering if she had any previous association with the man. Things got so bad one day after his usual interrogation of his wife, she just broke down crying asking him, "why he did not trust her." It was then he opened up about his mother's infidelity and how it affected his father. He told her of the hurt he felt and the damage it caused to their family and their relationship. He just could not trust any woman because in his mind, if his mother was weak enough to do that, then all women probably cheat. Mary hugged him and said, "I am not your mother."

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John's Decision

After their discussion, John made a decision to trust his wife. It wasn't easy. There were other incidences of mistrust, however Mary now knew what he was going through and they were able to work at it together. They spoke it over with their best friends, Tom and Sarah Fletcher and today John has grown leaps and bounds in the area of trust. He no longer carries around that baggage.

You Cannot Punish Your Spouse For Someone Else's Mistakes

You may not be the one that was directly hurt but someone close like your mother or father cheated and now you do not trust anyone. You think that if they could do that and they seemed so loving, then maybe your spouse is also cheating. Now, you analyze everything he or she does or says to prove that something is going on. You are unable to live a relaxed and stress free life. You live everyday expecting to hear something negative, that he or she is cheating. You cannot punish your spouse for your parents' mistakes, or the mistakes of your ex-partner. You must give your heart and love to the one you are with and not compare him or her with others.

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If you're looking for a marriage counselor in Las Vegas, Nevada or Schenectady, New York, please be aware that in those two cities, and in virtually every city across the nation, marriage counselors have a dismal record for saving marriages. The fact of the matter is you and your spouse have the best chance of saving your marriage - all on your own. The great news is that when you set your minds to saving your marriage, you can make it happen 100% of the time. The only thing standing between you and a happy marriage is

1) the knowledge of what to do, and
2) the will to do it.

Marriage counselors are usually trained psychologists who help people deal with their issues. But issues don't interfere with a happy marriage. Issues are individual problems every single individual in the world has. If it were issues that prevented a happy marriage, there would be no such thing as a happy marriage because everyone has issues. The cause of marriage failure lies in not understanding what a marriage is.

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When I began mediation it was overwhelmingly clear to me people really don't want to get a divorce, they just don't know what else to do. Would you get into an airplane and attempt to fly it if you had not read an instruction manual or taken any lessons?

Once you understand the construction of a marriage and which control does what, you can become your own marriage counselor. I have seen more "ah ha" moments than probably anyone, as I explained the most basic and simple premises that make a marriage what it is. Please do not give up hope. Please do not imagine your marriage is in trouble. When you know what to do and you do it, you will have the happiest marriage on earth. And please don't forget to tell your spouse, "I love you."

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Infidelity is one of the most devastating and shocking experiences a marriage can go through. Whether a spouse confessed or caught having an affair, it is a bomb that could leave the other spouse emotionally paralyzed. But while infidelity is the most common reason for divorce it is not impossible for couples to make the marriage work after cheating. There are couples who were able to get through and survive after an affair. To repair a troubled relationship, it is important to know the steps in healing after infidelity.

Healing individually.

To be able to achieve total healing after infidelity, individual healing for the injured and the cheater spouse is necessary.

For the injured spouse, the immediate instinct after an affair is to confront the issue right away to find the reasons why the affair took place, why your spouse cheated on you and will you be able to trust your partner again. Although it is important to know every detail of the affair, at this stage, finding every detail and reasons of the affair will not help you heal.

As an injured spouse, the best thing you can do after learning about the affair is to work on your own emotions. People who have been cheated on experienced a wide range of emotions like anger, jealousy, guilt, betrayal, frustrations, disappointment, shame, uncertainty, etc. If you failed to manage and control those emotions, they will control you and your relationship. If you want total healing after an affair, you have to learn how to control those overwhelming negative emotions. You can think soundly and focus more on saving your marriage when you are no longer ruled by those negative emotions.

Healing after infidelity doesn't only involve taking control of your emotions but it also include clearing your mind of the negative thoughts haunting you. After the discovery of your spouse's affair it is normal to have these thoughts: "Is your spouse's lover better than you?", "Do your spouse love his or her lover more?", "What could have you done to prevent the affair from happening?" It is also normal to feel insecure and worthless. It is important to learn how to erase these negative thoughts out of your mind and start rebuilding your self-confidence.

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If you think that the injured spouse is the only one hurting, think again, because the one who committed adultery needs to come to terms with his or her emotions too. The spouse who cheated also needs self-healing after infidelity to cope with her or his issues. There are many issues that the cheating spouse needs to work on before hoping to restore the trust of his or her spouse. The cheating spouse have to deal with the feeling of guilt, shame, worthlessness and the fear that his or her spouse will never trust him or her again. The permanent withdrawal from the affair is also another issue that the cheating spouse have to deal with. Sometimes cheating is like a drug addiction that a spouse needs to go through a withdrawal process to come clean and rebuild the trust in the relationship.

As a cheating spouse, when it comes to rebuilding the trust of your spouse, it is best to be transparent and see things from your spouse's perspective.

Healing together as a couple.

Healing after infidelity includes working together to save your marriage after an affair. After working on your individual issues and emotions, now is the time to heal as a couple. This is the stage where couples take a step to establish a better and effective way to communicate with each other in order to prepare themselves to talk more about the details of the affair and to prepare themselves to take the road of forgiveness. Because you have learned to manage your own emotions, the injured spouse will not be too emotional about the details of the affair and the cheating spouse will be more sensitive in discussing the details of the affair. If couples can communicate effectively, can see each other eye to eye or can see things from their spouse's perspective, recovering after an affair is very possible.

Renewed relationship.

Starting anew is the final step in healing after infidelity. This is the stage where you and your spouse starts to rebuild and protect your new trust-filled relationship. Both of you will work on strengthening your marriage and re-establishing the emotional connection with each other.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.


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