"Scrooge was better than his word. ... He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man as the good old City knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough in the good old world.
... And it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive ... Views: 842
"When attack becomes dance, everything is seen as a gift of energy."
That sounds great, doesn't it?
Couldn't we all use a little more energy from time to time? I know I could. Right now, for instance, as I sit with a blanket over my shoulders, sipping lemon tea and hoping that the next ... Views: 774
I received many responses from July's article on "Negativity in the Workplace" including some great resources for turning negativity around.
It started with friend and colleague Barbara Wilson's email quoting Patch Adams: "The most revolutionary act one can commit in our world is to be publicly ... Views: 905
This is one of a series of brief articles on holding difficult conversations. In earlier issues of Ki Moments, I suggested ways to open communications that create mutual respect; we talked about the importance of knowing your purpose for the conversation; and we added Inquiry and Curiosity to ... Views: 688
One of the things that interests me most about conflict is the tendency to resist it and the ways in which this resistance causes me to miss a ki moment - a key moment, when I might respond with purpose and intention but do not. Resistance is a reactive habit. When I resist, I'm on automatic, ... Views: 865
When you're really angry, what do you want?
• Satisfaction?
• Support?
• Understanding?
• An ally?
• Agreement?
• Self-control?
When I'm really upset, I want all of the above, but I think my highest priority is to get back to a composed, centered self that can operate effectively, ... Views: 1003
A friend has this quotation on his office wall: "I know worry works because nothing I worry about ever happens."
I think I must believe that, because I worry a lot -- and about the most insignificant things. I worry about the big things, of course, like health, relationships, and finances. But ... Views: 528
Benjamin Zander, author, motivational speaker, and conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, often quotes his father as saying that "there is no bad weather, just inappropriate clothing."
I live in southern coastal New Hampshire, about an hour north of Boston, and when each winter brings day after ... Views: 1085
"Judy,
I thought of the opportunity that lies in managing conflict AFTER I came out of one today. Always after.
I am so angry at myself for always biting the hook, for falling that damn hole. I can't seem to remember to become present. I just go right for my old ways and then I publicly ... Views: 901
There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.
-- Benjamin Zander
Author/conductor Ben Zander’s quotation flashed through my mind when I had to cancel a day of work thanks to a nor’easter that blew though Portsmouth in January.
As forecasters made their blizzard ... Views: 846
There are many ways to improve the way you communicate. For example, you will always start things off on the right foot by opening the conversation in a way that creates mutual respect. Using phrases such as, "If you have a minute, I'd like to talk with you about something that I think will ... Views: 688
"Psychologists have found that we are each more interested in knowing that the other person is trying to empathize with us… than we are in believing that they have actually accomplished that goal. Good listening … is profoundly communicative. And struggling to understand communicates the most ... Views: 1065
“If you don’t like what’s happening in your life, change your mind.”
This brief quotation from the Dalai Lama reminds me that my experience of life changes as I do. As I change, I change the way I influence - and am influenced by - my surroundings.
How are you inventing your life today? How ... Views: 579
At dinner with my friend Susan recently, I was struck by the simplicity of her conflict resolution strategy. A friend sought Susan's advice about how to approach her neighbor about a potential conflict. The neighbor was prickly and the friend uneasy, and she asked Susan to come along as support ... Views: 1000
One of the most commonly downloaded free articles on judyringer.com is called, "We Have to Talk: A Step by Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations." It's been in more company newsletters than I can count, including The Systems Thinker, published by Pegasus Communications.
Recently, one ... Views: 870
What is center? How do you choose to be centered, and why? In what ways can you develop a strong center?
As a student and instructor of the Japanese martial art Aikido, and as a professional speaker and trainer, I often present on this topic
and, in addition, have made centering a life ... Views: 604
I've recently taken up a new physical practice -- Bikram Yoga. I'm loving it -- the heat, the focus it takes to stay in the postures while honoring my body's limits, and the flow state I acquire and that stays with me afterwards. The heat is intense, and staying present becomes a practice in ... Views: 924
I've been thinking a lot lately about why we fear our more serious conflict conversations, why we put them off or hold them in unconstructive ways.
I had one of my own recently and was really quite uncentered for a bit, thinking about how I wanted to hold the conversation, what my positive ... Views: 1131
Last week I attended an excellent 2-day workshop called "Staying Grounded When on the Spot," offered by the Public Conversations Project, in Watertown, MA. Geared to help facilitators and trainers manage challenging group moments, I found that the skills applied in a variety of settings, ... Views: 642
The beginning of a new year, like the beginning of anything, brings with it thoughts of change, rejuvenation, new life, and resolutions about how to accomplish these changes. Life offers possibilities of a fresh start for our relationships. But we don't always carry through on our resolutions. ... Views: 1226
One of the questions I receive most often from my newsletter subscribers is what do I do when I've "blown it?" As one good friend said: "I forgot all the great ways I know to address a conflict. I reprimanded an employee by basically attacking her character. I did apologize, and, thankfully, she ... Views: 880
My good friend and colleague, Thomas Crum, taught me a lot of what I know about having hard conversations. A method he uses with children - the BLT - is so simple and easy to remember, I often use it with adults, too. Breathe, Learn, Talk.
So when a mom asked me about how to help her ... Views: 835
It's easy to be a shock jock today. Twitter, Facebook, Google +1. What is it about social media that allows us to drop our inhibitions and say anything that comes to mind? Could there be something beneficial about having no filters?
What can we learn from Anthony Weiner's experience with ... Views: 773
It started out innocuously. I asked a colleague if she'd be willing to listen to an upcoming presentation for a local non-profit. She said she would, and I plunged in.
My colleague had a lot to say and delivered it with stinging energy. "You use too much jargon; I hate jargon," she said. "And ... Views: 1092
I needed to stop and breathe about a thousand times yesterday what with unaware customer service reps and nasty tech glitches – my favorite hot buttons. It all began when I took my car in to be serviced first thing and learned the service rep had forgotten I needed a ride home. I had ... Views: 914
My friend and colleague, Sandy Davis, who lives in the northern reaches of the state of Maine, is an executive leadership coach. Among other things, he teaches people how to be resilient. He has a simple, effective formula that includes spending fifteen minutes each day in three different ... Views: 819
"When I'm worried and I can't sleep,
I count my blessings instead of sheep,
And I fall asleep counting my blessings."
-- Irving Berlin
Take a moment to think about this question: What are you thankful for?
What came to mind?
A person?
A pet?
A place?
Good health?
Home and ... Views: 624
What does this quotation by Morihei Ueshiba say to you?
“Opponents confront us continually, but actually there is no opponent there.”
Morihei Ueshiba, 1883-1969, is the founder of Aikido, the martial art I practice, teach, and use as a metaphor in my work. Aikido -- "The Way of Blending ... Views: 964
Defusing difficult or angry customers calmly and assertively benefits the company, the customer, and the service representative. Managing any difficult situation requires clear communication and intention. You improve with practice. And the rewards – both in terms of personal and bottom line ... Views: 1022
Is there a conversation you've been putting off? Is there a coworker or family member with whom you need to talk - but don't? Maybe you've tried and it didn't turn out as you had hoped. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make things worse. Whatever the reason, you feel stuck and you'd like ... Views: 591
"… the impossible challenges of life are the best teachers."
– Amy Mindell, Metaskills
Driving home late one night during the first snow of the season, I hit a patch of ice on a slippery bridge and collided with the barrier that separates the bridge from the air and the water. I careened off ... Views: 610
My sisters and I got talking at a recent family reunion about how differently we each deal with conflict. We recalled our teen years when one or two of us would easily blow up at my mom or dad when something didn’t go their way (I’m not naming names!). This kind of reaction, which we all ... Views: 956
In Aikido we use an exercise to physically distinguish between three kinds of power -- power that is rigid and controlling, power that's limp and ineffectual, and power that flows. Verbally and emotionally we act out these three forms of power when we attack ("I can't believe you're late ... Views: 852
A good friend gave me a book last week, thinking I might like it. The book is "Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion" by Jesuit Priest Gregory Boyle about his work with gangs in Los Angeles, CA. Reading the first chapters in the early spring sun this morning at Beach Pea in ... Views: 849
I spent time with Wendy Palmer in Boston recently. Wendy is an author, inspirational teacher and bright spirit. She offers coaching and training programs for leaders, groups, and individuals like you and me on Conscious Embodiment.
Like Thomas Crum, George Leonard, and others, including ... Views: 681
Sometimes it seems that the energy has been drained from much of our communication. We try to do the right thing, say the right words, and be safe instead of real. And while our intentions are noble, we often leave the meaning out. It stays hidden behind carefully constructed technique that ... Views: 1056
In a difficult conversation when I want to get my point across, I create alignment with my conflict partner through listening and learning what's important to him, what he's really going for, and how what I'm offering might fit with his goals. By giving my partner the freedom to deliver his ... Views: 578
The capacity to withhold an action that we have prepared but reconsidered is an important distinction between intelligent and impulsive behavior.
~ Marcel Brass, of the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences and of Ghent University.
Several years ago, I related a Ki ... Views: 1011
There’s a saying in aikido, “There are many lessons on the mat.” It means that when we’re practicing aikido we’re not just learning aikido, we’re also learning about life. For example, when someone grabs my wrist too hard and I get angry but don’t say ... Views: 647
"Go ahead. Play. Let me see you run!" Mimi cheered us on. I was seven or eight years old, playing with my cousins in the back yard of my grandmother's house in Oak Park, Illinois. Mimi (my Aunt Mary) was probably 30-something at the time and in her wheelchair, where she'd been since a spinal ... Views: 1021
"Keep your center and you’ll know which way you have to go."
– Terry Dobson, aikidoist and author, Aikido In Everyday Life
I had undertaken a project that I was beginning to feel was beyond my personal resources to accomplish. I had asked a friend and colleague if I might organize a workshop ... Views: 689
The Holiday Season. Does time seems to compress, or is it just me? There's so much going on - the end of autumn, the beginning of winter, and all the holidays that follow. As a child it was an exciting time of year. As an adult, it seems filled with more shopping, baking, parties, and other ... Views: 603
It was the 10th day of rain, and I walked into the pool locker room feeling a little soggy around the edges. I asked my pool friend, Laurie, how she was and she said, "Bright and cheery. It's a wonderful day and I'm going to accomplish a lot of good things." Laurie, who is recovering from hip ... Views: 560
"We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace." -- The Anatomy of Peace
Choosing to resolve conflict begins when we approach it with a "Heart at Peace." So opens a new book I just finished, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving ... Views: 2610
"But he's got high hopes, he's got high hopes
He's got high apple pie, in the sky hopes … "
-- High Hopes, Jimmy Van Heusen/Sammy Cahn
My friend, Suzanne, is an inspiration. One of her favorite songs is "High Hopes" – as in "high-apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes."
I see Suzanne regularly at our ... Views: 738
"I like to think of myself as an artist, and my life is my greatest work of art. Every moment is a moment of creation, and each moment of creation contains infinite possibilities. I can do things the way I've always done them, or I can look at all the different alternatives, and try something ... Views: 617
"Organisms do not experience environments, they create them."
-- From A Simpler Way, by Margaret Wheatley
Walking down Lincoln Avenue in Portsmouth, I am struck by the beauty of the day – forsythia, tulips and daffodils, bright sun, warm breeze – and the freedom and privilege I have to walk in ... Views: 896
“We defy augury; there is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all.”
-- Hamlet, Act 5, Scene ii, William Shakespeare
A friend stopped me on the way out of the ... Views: 910
Recently a client told me a wonderful story about how a change of attitude helped her to keep a valued employee.
Angry and grumbling about one of the provisions in the company policy, the employee asked for a private meeting with my client, the owner of a small sales company, and began to tell ... Views: 946
Hurry up and meditate, I'm thinking as I sit in half-lotus, willing myself to quiet down and connect with the source. Wow, that's really taking things to extremes. How can you meditate in a hurry? Isn't the whole point to SLOW DOWN? Quiet the rushing stream of thoughts and make the world ... Views: 1165