"I'm sick and tired of HR's red tape. I need this employee now, not next month. My department suffers while you drag your feet trying to get references I don't need. I want THIS person. Get off the stick and make it happen!"
OK! Jack's trying to communicate an important need. What's his ... Views: 4629
Respect is like air: if you take it away, it's all people can think about.
~Kerry Patterson - Author, Crucial Conversations
Respect is like air, I've heard it said. When it's plentiful, there's no issue. We take it as given. But when it's missing, you can't think about anything else.
I ... Views: 2952
As a professional singer and speaker, I'm often asked if I still get nervous in front of an audience. I do. But I've learned to use my nervous energy – and minimize its impact.
I practice aikido, a martial art based on aligning with the attacker and redirecting the attack. Instead of ... Views: 2810
"We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace." -- The Anatomy of Peace
Choosing to resolve conflict begins when we approach it with a "Heart at Peace." So opens a new book I just finished, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving ... Views: 2618
My message to all that will hear it, is don’t let your limitations define you… Don’t focus on what you don’t have…use what you do have.
~Victoria Arlen
An excellent student and natural athlete, Victoria dreamed of becoming an Olympic swimmer from the time she was 5 years old. She trained ... Views: 2203
What happens if you're in a conversation or a conflict and the other person is out of control? How do you manage their strong emotional energy, especially when it's forcefully directed at you?
It takes courage to engage in conflict conversations, especially if prior experience produced outcomes ... Views: 1816
My friend was going through a difficult divorce. In an evening phone conversation I asked a question, wanting to help, and immediately realized I'd said exactly the wrong thing. I'd unintentionally made my friend feel like the last ally she had in the world was also against her.
I took my ... Views: 1551
Aikidoists know the importance of posture. Head over shoulders over hips, weight balanced over both feet, which are about shoulder width apart. Bowing posture, Seiza (seated) posture, Hanmi (standing) posture. Body and mind are connected. When our posture is upright and ready, everything is. ... Views: 1384
I entered the service center of my car dealership ten minutes early for a scheduled maintenance. The service rep took my name and confirmed the details. After a few minutes, she asked if I'd be waiting for the car. I said "What do you mean? We spoke about this when I made the appointment. I need ... Views: 1281
The beginning of a new year, like the beginning of anything, brings with it thoughts of change, rejuvenation, new life, and resolutions about how to accomplish these changes. Life offers possibilities of a fresh start for our relationships. But we don't always carry through on our resolutions. ... Views: 1230
Emotions happen. We can, however, make choices about how we manage them. If you consider emotions simply as a form of life energy, you can begin to reframe the notion that there are "good" and "bad" emotions and direct that energy in positive ways.
The energy of anger, for example, can make ... Views: 1172
Hurry up and meditate, I'm thinking as I sit in half-lotus, willing myself to quiet down and connect with the source. Wow, that's really taking things to extremes. How can you meditate in a hurry? Isn't the whole point to SLOW DOWN? Quiet the rushing stream of thoughts and make the world ... Views: 1170
I've been thinking a lot lately about why we fear our more serious conflict conversations, why we put them off or hold them in unconstructive ways.
I had one of my own recently and was really quite uncentered for a bit, thinking about how I wanted to hold the conversation, what my positive ... Views: 1140
Does conflict disrupt your workplace environment? Read on! Judy Ringer answers some commonly asked questions on the subjects of workplace conflict, difficult people, and how to manage them more effectively.
Q. What are some typical breakdowns in the workplace?
JR: I wouldn’t call them ... Views: 1138
"In between stimulus and response, there is a pause, and in that pause we have the opportunity to make a different choice."
~ Victor Frankl
Reading a blog post recently by my friend and colleague, Judy Warner, I was inspired.
Although I teach aikido techniques like the practice of centering ... Views: 1131
"Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his ... Views: 1118
It started out innocuously. I asked a colleague if she'd be willing to listen to an upcoming presentation for a local non-profit. She said she would, and I plunged in.
My colleague had a lot to say and delivered it with stinging energy. "You use too much jargon; I hate jargon," she said. "And ... Views: 1098
Benjamin Zander, author, motivational speaker, and conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, often quotes his father as saying that "there is no bad weather, just inappropriate clothing."
I live in southern coastal New Hampshire, about an hour north of Boston, and when each winter brings day after ... Views: 1089
Disclaimer. You're probably reading this because you want to be heard, and I'm going to talk about how to listen. Because that's how to be heard. Become a good listener.
The three primary ingredients of conversation are: Inquiry, Acknowledgment, and Advocacy.
• Inquiry is about learning, ... Views: 1075
"Psychologists have found that we are each more interested in knowing that the other person is trying to empathize with us… than we are in believing that they have actually accomplished that goal. Good listening … is profoundly communicative. And struggling to understand communicates the most ... Views: 1065
Sometimes it seems that the energy has been drained from much of our communication. We try to do the right thing, say the right words, and be safe instead of real. And while our intentions are noble, we often leave the meaning out. It stays hidden behind carefully constructed technique that ... Views: 1060
"Go ahead. Play. Let me see you run!" Mimi cheered us on. I was seven or eight years old, playing with my cousins in the back yard of my grandmother's house in Oak Park, Illinois. Mimi (my Aunt Mary) was probably 30-something at the time and in her wheelchair, where she'd been since a spinal ... Views: 1031
Defusing difficult or angry customers calmly and assertively benefits the company, the customer, and the service representative. Managing any difficult situation requires clear communication and intention. You improve with practice. And the rewards – both in terms of personal and bottom line ... Views: 1025
In a recent workshop, "Jane" asked about negativity in the workplace:
"Our work environment is so negative. It's like The Wave. One individual starts and then everybody joins in, including me some days. I want to stop. But when I don't engage, they all look at me like I'm "Miss Polly Positive" ... Views: 1024
The capacity to withhold an action that we have prepared but reconsidered is an important distinction between intelligent and impulsive behavior.
~ Marcel Brass, of the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences and of Ghent University.
Several years ago, I related a Ki ... Views: 1017
When you're really angry, what do you want?
• Satisfaction?
• Support?
• Understanding?
• An ally?
• Agreement?
• Self-control?
When I'm really upset, I want all of the above, but I think my highest priority is to get back to a composed, centered self that can operate effectively, ... Views: 1008
At dinner with my friend Susan recently, I was struck by the simplicity of her conflict resolution strategy. A friend sought Susan's advice about how to approach her neighbor about a potential conflict. The neighbor was prickly and the friend uneasy, and she asked Susan to come along as support ... Views: 1006
"The power of discovery enables us to achieve excellence without having to be "perfect.'"
– Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict
I arrived at the conference center ready to present my workshop. Almost immediately I noticed the room was too small and it was not set up as requested. There ... Views: 985
What does this quotation by Morihei Ueshiba say to you?
“Opponents confront us continually, but actually there is no opponent there.”
Morihei Ueshiba, 1883-1969, is the founder of Aikido, the martial art I practice, teach, and use as a metaphor in my work. Aikido -- "The Way of Blending ... Views: 970
My sisters and I got talking at a recent family reunion about how differently we each deal with conflict. We recalled our teen years when one or two of us would easily blow up at my mom or dad when something didn’t go their way (I’m not naming names!). This kind of reaction, which we all ... Views: 960
Recently a client told me a wonderful story about how a change of attitude helped her to keep a valued employee.
Angry and grumbling about one of the provisions in the company policy, the employee asked for a private meeting with my client, the owner of a small sales company, and began to tell ... Views: 950
In his thoughtful and thought-provoking song “Anyone Can Whistle,” Stephen Sondheim writes:
It's all so simple,
Relax, let go, let fly.
So someone tell me, why can't I?
In this month of giving, getting, and gathering, when we all do more and push harder, relaxing and letting go are ... Views: 945
Even the most effective leaders lose their way occasionally. In spite of best efforts, you forget how much influence you have and how your action (or inaction) affects the workplace environment. These six traits are common causes.
Ineffective Leadership Traits
1) Avoiding Conflict
When you ... Views: 944
I've recently taken up a new physical practice -- Bikram Yoga. I'm loving it -- the heat, the focus it takes to stay in the postures while honoring my body's limits, and the flow state I acquire and that stays with me afterwards. The heat is intense, and staying present becomes a practice in ... Views: 929
Is there a difficult conversation you’re not holding?
* Coworker not pulling their weight?
* Supervisor not holding members of the team accountable?
* Irritating behavior getting on your nerves?
What stops you from saying what’s on your mind? You may know exactly what you want to ... Views: 923
I needed to stop and breathe about a thousand times yesterday what with unaware customer service reps and nasty tech glitches – my favorite hot buttons. It all began when I took my car in to be serviced first thing and learned the service rep had forgotten I needed a ride home. I had ... Views: 920
“We defy augury; there is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all.”
-- Hamlet, Act 5, Scene ii, William Shakespeare
A friend stopped me on the way out of the ... Views: 916
I received many responses from July's article on "Negativity in the Workplace" including some great resources for turning negativity around.
It started with friend and colleague Barbara Wilson's email quoting Patch Adams: "The most revolutionary act one can commit in our world is to be publicly ... Views: 910
"Judy,
I thought of the opportunity that lies in managing conflict AFTER I came out of one today. Always after.
I am so angry at myself for always biting the hook, for falling that damn hole. I can't seem to remember to become present. I just go right for my old ways and then I publicly ... Views: 906
"If you don't like what's happening in your life, change your mind."
--The Dalai Lama
There's a new event in the neighborhood. Every day around 3:30 pm, a neighbor with a new drum set begins practicing -- at full volume. The drummer must be on his deck or screened porch, because there doesn't ... Views: 903
"Organisms do not experience environments, they create them."
-- From A Simpler Way, by Margaret Wheatley
Walking down Lincoln Avenue in Portsmouth, I am struck by the beauty of the day – forsythia, tulips and daffodils, bright sun, warm breeze – and the freedom and privilege I have to walk in ... Views: 898
"We hold these truths to be self-evident."
--Thomas Jefferson
When we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S., we commemorate our struggle to free ourselves from tyranny, and celebrate victory in the quest for Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. We remember the freedoms we normally take ... Views: 888
One of the questions I receive most often from my newsletter subscribers is what do I do when I've "blown it?" As one good friend said: "I forgot all the great ways I know to address a conflict. I reprimanded an employee by basically attacking her character. I did apologize, and, thankfully, she ... Views: 887
A client was struggling with how to manage her stress level during the Q&A period after a presentation when she doesn't have an immediate answer. The simple solution might be to say, "I don't know." But it's not that simple.
Sometimes she does know the answer but can't come up with it, because ... Views: 883
One of the most commonly downloaded free articles on judyringer.com is called, "We Have to Talk: A Step by Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations." It's been in more company newsletters than I can count, including The Systems Thinker, published by Pegasus Communications.
Recently, one ... Views: 876
One of the things that interests me most about conflict is the tendency to resist it and the ways in which this resistance causes me to miss a ki moment - a key moment, when I might respond with purpose and intention but do not. Resistance is a reactive habit. When I resist, I'm on automatic, ... Views: 868
In Aikido we use an exercise to physically distinguish between three kinds of power -- power that is rigid and controlling, power that's limp and ineffectual, and power that flows. Verbally and emotionally we act out these three forms of power when we attack ("I can't believe you're late ... Views: 859
So, there I was alone in a hotel room in Poughkeepsie, NY, instead of attending my college reunion festivities. I’d been looking forward to meeting up with past classmates, going to lectures and, most of all, walking the campus. The Vassar campus is unbelievably beautiful in June. Trees are ... Views: 859
A good friend gave me a book last week, thinking I might like it. The book is "Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion" by Jesuit Priest Gregory Boyle about his work with gangs in Los Angeles, CA. Reading the first chapters in the early spring sun this morning at Beach Pea in ... Views: 853
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~ Charles Dickens
At church last Sunday, our pastor invited the youth of the congregation up front for the traditional "Time for Young Disciples." Three- and four-year-olds, seven- and ten-year-olds all came forward ... Views: 853