***Wife-speak 101

By: Neal Dranoff

My wife, Nita, is often the recipient of a somewhat “left-handed” compliment from me. I throw it out there whenever she asks a question that almost causes whiplash as I quickly turn my head towards her silently wondering “where did that thought come from?” Over the years I’ve come to accept these outlier queries as a by-product of Nita’s fertile creativity. She provides the right-brain qualities (intuitive, random thinking) of our union while I counterbalance with the left-brain (rational, analytical) component.

As a member of the boomer-generation, I like to think experience and wisdom ensure the capacity to adequately answer anything asked by my wife. Sometimes, however, these surprise questions from Nita have a hidden aspect to them…they’re (unwittingly?) dropped as potential landmines if I don’t watch my step in how I address them.

I’m not alone in tip-toeing around these not-so-innocuous lobs from my wife; I’m willing to bet almost 100% of us 50 plus males continually find ourselves attempting to politely dodge any kind of consternation when these types of questions are asked by our wives. These instances call for aplomb and quick analysis, not paralysis.

There are obvious examples of these bombshell questions from our wives; one of the most common being “Honey, is it OK if my mother comes live with us?” This one is so potentially “deadly” that it warrants a blog post unto itself, so let’s temporarily shun it aside (whew!). We’ll stick with two that are a bit less volatile to deal with.

First up is the inevitable worry expressed by so many wives when modeling a newly purchased outfit for their husbands: “Does this make me look fat?” When I first got married and Nita asked me this, I immediately got that “deer-in-a-headlight” look in my eyes and stuttered “Ugh, ugh no honey.” Needless to say, that reply provided zero support and I received a raised eyebrow look from Nita that was countering with “What exactly are you saying dear?” I had inadvertently stepped on the landmine and immediately knew that having sex that night was totally out of any realm of possibility.

Nowadays, I calmly, coolly answer “it fits you just right, like it was made for you.” Momma didn’t raise no dummy guys, I’ve learned my lesson! This is not to say I don’t try to be honest with Nita; if I don’t find an outfit particularly appealing, it’s now broached with an “I like it but don’t love it” comment. Look-up the word “delicacy” guys, you’ll find it under “D” in the dictionary…

The second example of questions from Nita that signal “danger Will Robinson, danger Will Robinson” arises when she asks me anything that starts with “Honey, I was thinking, how would you feel if (fill-in the blank)?” I immediately know that any answer to these questions is going to cost serious money. More often than not, these questions are about home remodeling, such as “how would you feel if we knock-out this wall and replace it with custom built-in storage, a flat-screen TV, new lighting, and…(keep adding-up the $$$). In this case, wisdom has taught me to reply with “Hon, I never would have thought of that; it’s a great idea and we’ll definitely have to put it on our list once we can afford to do it.” At this point guys, I trust you still have that dictionary opened to “D.”

I have to give kudos to my wife; she constantly amazes me with her imaginative thinking, even with the inevitable possibility of brandishing an axe to our bank account. As for that “left-handed” compliment I mentioned at the beginning of this post…it’s short, sweet, and simple: “Honey, it never gets boring!”

-Neal

You may respond to Neal below or contact him at ndranoff@boomer-living.com.

Tags: boomers, couple relationships, left brain, right brain