*** Connectivity

Written by Pamela Eelman, CHHC

Despite living in the age of high tech communication devices that enable us to stay connected, evidence shows that we feel increasingly alone. Two recent studies suggest that our society is in the midst of a dramatic and progressive slide toward disconnection.
Duke University researchers, using data gathered from the General Social Survey (GSS) found that between 1985 and 2004 the number of people with whom the average American discussed “important matters” dropped from three to two. Sadly, (and in my opinion alarmingly), the number of people who said there was no one with whom they discussed “important matters” tripled. In 2004, individuals without a single confidant made up a quarter of those surveyed.

The second study was the 2000 census. One of the most remarkable facts to emerge from this census is that one of every four households consist of only one person. The number of one person households has been increasing since 1940, when roughly 7% of individuals lived alone. The social, emotional and economic consequences of having more Americans live alone than ever before in United States history are significant.

This information comes at a time when medical research has shown that social connection has powerful positive effects on individual health. People who are connected to others live longer, respond better to stress, have a stronger immune system, are better able to ward off a variety of illnesses and are generally happier and more content with their lives. The two things we hope, wish and pray for - health and happiness are directly linked with our feelings of connectivity.

Being busy, being in large crowds, being bombarded with noise and images from all our high tech gadgets can make us long for quiet, alone time. Being afraid, whether of weapons of mass destruction, the financial goings-on or airplanes landing in rivers can make us want to retreat. Our society’s long standing value of self reliance and independence can too easily be taken to the extreme.

Americans don’t engage, interact and connect with our families as much as citizens of other countries. A popular question in cross-cultural research highlights our differences in feelings about our families of origin. “I love my mother, but….”. How would you answer? In Western countries, the usual response is critical, negative or distancing. “I love my mother, but she doesn’t approve of my choices” or “she can be so difficult”, or “we just don’t see eye to eye”. Now the same prompt given to people from Eastern countries produces different answers. “I love my mother, but I can never repay her for all she’s done for me”, is not uncommon. As Americans, we are trained to become independent and to stand on our own two feet. While independence is generally considered healthy, have we gone too far?

The consequences of this disconnect are extensive, diverse and expensive - in every sense of the word. Studies have repeatedly found that social connection and support have a positive and protective effect on illnesses such as cardiovascular disease and dementia. The reverse is true as well. The emotional and physical toll is taken not only on individuals but society as a whole. Lost talent and productivity, higher medical costs - the effects are many. Social isolation damages the health of the environment as well. The rising tide of single person households strains the earth’s natural resources. More homes mean more heat, more cooling, more energy consumption, more stuff!
Being part of a social network teaches us social skills and tools that are necessary to live in the world. Researchers hypothesize that aggressive impulses are held in check by social relationships and community norms. These restraints and norms help build our sense of morality or conscience. Those who lose the sense of belonging are less likely to restrain their combative impulses and urges.

Social rejection and exclusion hurts. It can cause some to retreat altogether and become antisocial - a true misanthrope. Others reach for alcohol or drugs to either combat the loneliness or help them ease their way back into social situations that have become uncomfortable. While substance and alcohol abuse have a wide ranging variety of causes, for many it is fueled by their feelings of isolation. One study of 389 American cities found that deaths from alcoholism and suicide increase when people live alone. It would be foolish to ignore the correlations.

While the world is now at our fingertips, our individual circles seem to have gotten smaller. When I was a little girl, my family would go “visiting” on Sunday. We didn’t call ahead, we just stopped in. There was no reason for the “visit” - just an attempt to stay connected to friends and family. It wasn’t uncommon for people to visit us unannounced as well. They were always welcomed. My mother would put on the coffee pot. Sometimes the visit lasted a few minutes, sometimes it was an all day event. That wasn’t unusual back then. When was the last time you visited someone unannounced, or, they you? Perhaps you haven’t because you didn’t want to “bother” them. What was once a welcome is now a bother to many. Everyone knew everyone else in the neighborhood. The women looked out for each others kids, the men shared lawn equipment and tools. The kids all played together. There was always somewhere to go if you needed help, or a cup of sugar or a shoulder to cry on. Up until a year and a half ago, I lived in a development of about 75 homes. Sadly, I think I knew the name of perhaps a dozen families. The term “development” is now used instead of “neighborhood”. It has a whole different feel, doesn’t it?

When we realize that we are not alone, that “we’re all in this together”, it’s a lot less frightening out there. Our technical age has made it too easy to stay home behind your own closed doors. Instead of going to the local stores, you can buy on-line. The marketplace has always been a meeting place. It’s not like that anymore. In the old days, when the phone rang, you picked it up to see who it was and the reason for the call. Now you can learn that without connecting. How often do you let the answering machine pick up, or let it go to voicemail so you don’t have to be bothered. Going to the movies used to be an opportunity to be entertained as a group. Hundreds of people sitting together all focused on the same thing in the dark being entertained or enlightened or informed . Laughing together, crying together - it’s all part of the connectivity. Now, you can see the movie alone in the privacy of your own home. A few years ago, you at least had to go to the video store and see people. Now, you can order DVD’s through the mail or get pay-per-view on TV. We don’t need to talk to anyone anymore. We can communicate through e-mail or text. Some people go days without the sound of another human’s voice.

Feeling left out and alone can cause us to retreat and step either further back. Saying “I’m lonely” is often considered a weakness or a whiney attempt for companionship. How would it feel to be able to say “I’m feeling lonely - would you like to spend some time together?” What small steps can you make today to reconnect - to your family, your friends, your co-workers?

Being connected, being part of the clan or tribe, a cog in the wheel - it’s important for physical, emotional and spiritual health. You are not alone and what you do or don’t do has an impact.

I’m hoping President Obama’s stirring speech hit home with people last week. He talked about dropping out of school no longer being an option for kids - because if they did, they were quitting not only on themselves, but on the country as a whole. “We need everybody”, he told these kids. Perhaps he was speaking to us all. We can’t drop our of the society. We need to be an integral part of our own small circle, the larger one around that, and so on. We all matter. We need each other. Together we can do things we’d never be able to accomplish alone.

As with everything else, it’s all about balance. Sometimes we need to retreat, to go inward, to be introspective or contemplative. Sometimes we just need a break from the maddening crowd. That’s healthy. Just make sure you come back out again.

Boomer-Living.com is committed to connectivity - to bringing the spirit of togetherness we had in the 60’s to those of us who are now in, or facing our 60’s. There will be a lot of interesting changes and opportunities in the near future to connect with others. We hope you’ll take advantage of the opportunities and join us as we reconnect the baby boomer generation.

We’d love to hear your comments about this or any articles published on the site. We’d welcome your inclusion in our blogs that you can find in the Coffeehouse Center. We want to know your ideas and how we can better serve you. We’re all in this together.

Click Here to Read this article at Boomer-Living.com