Father Wounds: Can A Woman Be Attracted To Men Who Are Unavailable If She Had An Unavailable Father?

What a woman may find, if she was to take a step back and reflect on her life, is that she continually attracts men who are not available. This could be something that has taken place for as long as she can remember.

At this point in time, she could have had enough of experiencing life in this way and want this area of her life to change. This is not to say that she has only just started to be this way but she might not have been this certain before.

Looking Back

So, in the past, she might have been with a man who was not available, broken up with him, had a break and then gone through the same experience again. Right now, though, she might not be interested in being with another man.

The reason for this is that she might want to make sure that she doesn’t end up with another man who is like this. If this is the case, it will show that she has reached the point of no return.

Two Parts

However, although she won’t want to go through this experience again, a big part of her might question if this area of her life will ever change. Yet, if her life has been this way for as long as she can remember, this is to be expected.

To use an analogy: it will be as if she has taken an exam a number of times and each time she has come up short. The part of her that believes that this area of her life can change is then going to be dominated by the part of her that doesn’t.

The Same Old Story

When it comes to the men that she has been with, in the beginning, they might have created the impression that they were available. What are likely to have played a part in this are how they behaved and the kind of things that they said.

But, as time passed, these men might have become less available, with her rarely seeing them. Also, they might not have been as warm and affectionate as time passed and they might have seldom replied to her messages or answered the phone when she called.

Another Part

Irrespective of how they behaved, she might see that when they did start to become less available, instead of bringing up what was going on and getting to the bottom of it, she ended up trying to win them over. This would then have caused her to overextend herself and it is likely to have had the opposite effect that was intended.

She might see that not only was she trying to be loved but that this was a way for her to change how she felt. Nonetheless, this wouldn’t have worked and each time, it probably wasn’t long before the relationship came to an end.

The Fall Out

During her time with these men, she is unlikely to have known where she stood and her confidence is likely to have suffered. She is likely to have often felt anxious and experienced a lot of self-doubt.

When her time with these men came to an end, she might have felt helpless, hopeless, unwanted, worthless and unlovable. Additionally, she might have felt rejected and abandoned.

What’s going on?

One way of looking at this would be to say that she just happens to end up with men who are like this. There is then very little that she can do and she will need to wait until her luck changes.

Another way of looking at it would be to say that she is playing a part in what is going on and she is not randomly meeting men who are like this. Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that she is consciously choosing to be with men like this.

Confusion

What this comes down to is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind; she also has an unconscious mind. This part of her is far bigger and more impactful than her conscious mind.

If she is on board with this, she could wonder why this other part of her is causing her to be pulled to men like this. For her to find out why this is taking place, it will be a good idea for her to take a deeper look into what took place during her formative years.

Back in Time

If she is able to do this, she may gradually see that this was a time when her father wasn’t available. He might have rarely been around and, when he was around, he might have been distant.

What this would have done is deprived her of her father’s love, support, encouragement and protection. In all likelihood, her father was available due to his own issues, but, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what took place.

The Outcome

Consequently, she would have come to believe that he wasn’t there because she was worthless and unlovable. It would have been too painful for her to face how she felt and too scary for her to face reality, so she would have lost touch with how she felt and a number of her developmental needs and lost touch with reality.

What would have also helped her to keep her pain at bay and to avoid reality is that she would have lived in the hope that if she struggled enough, she would be loved by him. But, as it was what going on for him that was preventing him from being able to love her, not what was going on for her, this would have been futile.

Repeating The Past

This stage of her life is over, that much is clear, but, at a deeper level, she will still be trying to receive her father’s love. The unmet developmental needs that are held in her unconscious mind will cause her to unconsciously re-recreate scenarios with men that are very similar to how it was with her father.

It won’t matter that another man is not her father as this part of her is unable to see clearly and has no sense of time. She will then be trying to get someone who can’t love her to love her and once again, she will be deprived.

Drawing the line

Nonetheless, even if she was to attract a man who is available, as it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on as a child not to mention that he won’t be her father, she would still be deprived. Another man will be able to meet some of her adult needs but he won’t be able to meet her unmet developmental needs.

A big part of what will allow her to move forward will be for her to face and work through the pain that she had to repress and to experience her unmet development needs. This will take courage and patience and persistence.
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Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.