When To Leave A Marriage With Kids: Should You Stay Married For The Kids

It isn't unusual to overhear conversations like this. One lady told another that she should NOT stay in her marriage for the sake of her children. She offered the usual: make yourself happy; why should you be punished to stay with that guy just because he fathered your children; over time the kids will be better off. She added more but these generally covered the subject.

In those conversations, certain facts seem never to appear. Consider the indications of scientific research.

Divorce can affect children for many years, well into adulthood.
In 2006 Family Process published a scholarly article by Ahrons. She wrote about binuclear families. These are extended families, separate households that result from divorced spouses marrying someone else, as well as the families formed by their children when they eventually marry.

Of the negative consequences, she wrote, "...173 grown children were interviewed 20 years after their parents' divorce...The findings show that the parental subsystem continues to impact the binuclear family 20 years after marital disruption by exerting a strong influence on the quality of relationships within the family system...Of those who experienced the remarriage of both of their parents, two thirds reported that their father's remarriage was more stressful than their mother's. When children's relationships with their fathers deteriorated after divorce, their relationships with their paternal grandparents, stepmother, and step siblings were distant, negative, or nonexistent."

Divorce causes children pain, stress, and confusion
In 2003 Kelley wrote in Childhood. Though her article primarily encourages researchers to focus on developing healthy lives for children of divorce rather than lamenting the potential problems, she pointedly wrote about the pain most children feel. "Independent of the long-term consequences of divorce, the initial period following separation is quite stressful for the vast majority of children and adolescents, as they seem to have little emotional preparation for their parents' separation, and react with distress, anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief."

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She did offer this exception, "Only those youngsters who witnessed or participated in high conflict and violence appeared to be notably relieved at the separation." As one who works with marriages, I agree that violent marriages should not stay together, especially for the safety of the children, as well as one or both spouses. However, most who divorce aren't considering their children's safety. Most, in my experience, don't think much about the children at all. They focus on what they want and feel, and rationalize how that will be best for their children.

Divorcing people often do not consider the emotional needs or wants of their children
A few years ago I worked with a couple that had adopted several handicapped children. Their love for children led them to make the sacrifices they knew would be required of both husband and wife to raise those children to adulthood. Carefully, deliberately, and prayerfully they consciously thought through the entire process and together decided it was the right thing to do.

That worked fine for a few years. Then he fell in love with someone else. His intensity of passion for the new relationship did more than provide him the emotional rationalization to leave his wife. It provided him enough motivation to leave his wife to take care of those handicapped children. He claimed to love them, but when I asked if he loved them enough to stay with them and give them what they needed, he replied that he had to follow his heart and leave with his lover. When I pursued the conservation by asking what happened to his well-thought-out commitment that led to adopting those children, he shrugged. "Things change," he said.

On another occasion I watched a mother leave her son who was ravaged by cancer. She had birthed him, raised him for years, given him a mother's love. However, when "my Prince Charming" came into her life, she no longer felt any obligation to be there for her son as he struggled to live. "He has plenty of people to care about him. I need to do what I need to do for myself," she stated with little evidence of emotion. She had once been very religious, so I asked her what God thought of her abandoning the helpless child to the care of her husband while she started a life anew with someone else. "God loves me. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to do this."

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What are your children praying?
Back in 1998, my wife and I saw the Sandra Bullock movie, Hope Floats. I hope never to see it again.

Nothing against Sandra or the other actors; rather it was the scene where the daughter followed her father to his vehicle pleading, sobbing, and begging him not to leave. I remember reading at the time that the young actress became so distraught in the scene that Sandra impulsively came to the girl's emotional rescue. The girl threw herself into Bullock's arms continuing to sob in deep distress. It was the most emotionally devastated I have ever been at a movie. All I wanted to do was help that girl.

Of course, it was only a movie. Just acting, though at quite a cost. But it's real in so many ways. Tonight there are thousands of children praying alone in their bedrooms, begging God to stop Dad or Mom from fighting. Pleading with Him to lead their parents back into love. Fearing the apparently inevitable divorce that will split their family apart.

Who cares?

Mom? Dad?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Over one million divorces will take place in the USA this year and the majority of those involve families with children. It's hard to say that those parents care what their children pray. They find all the excuses they can to make them feel okay about not working out the marriage for the sake of the children. That helps them deal with the emotions.

It doesn't help the children. It doesn't help their faith that God hears their prayers. It doesn't keep them from worrying that somehow they are being abandoned by a parent that they thought would live in the same house with them and love them forever.

It is definitely worth saving a marriage for the children
No child has asked to be born. We bring them into existence. They don't owe us. We owe them. If we have the capability of reproducing, shouldn't we have the capability of responsibility?

If parents care enough, they will figure how to solve their problems and save their marriage. Not just save it; make it good.

Impossible?

Absolutely not. Since 1999 I've personally witnessed "impossible" marriages be saved. Not only saved, but husband and wife learned to be in love with each other again. On average, three out of four when they thought divorce was inevitable.

The only problems that are not solvable are those that involve continuing violence or abuse. No one should stay in those. As Kelley was quoted above, children in that environment actually feel relief when divorce comes.

Nearly everything else is fixable. It takes two things. Each spouse has to stop doing the things destroying the marriage. Each spouse has to start doing the things to make love grow.

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If you have been searching through some popular magazines or Hollywood movies for some save marriage advice, you have probably been disappointed many times. Most of the tips offered there are for you to find a hot date and what you can do on your date to impress them. Very rarely do you find something on how to save your marriage. If you need some help to enhance your relationship, you have come to the right place. Here are 4 tips you can use to build a strong and long lasting relationship.

1. Building Trust - the foundation of any relationship!
This is probably not the first time you hear that building trust is vital in a relationship. Why is this mentioned so many times? Because it is actually the foundation of your relationship. No doubt trust can develop over time but you can also put in effort to build it up. One way is to be reliable. Never make any promises which you might not be able to fulfill or don't intend to.

2. Avoid Conflicts - learn to add a little humor!
When you are living together, there are bound to be times when your spouse will do things which annoy you. Avoid the inclination to yell at your partner or you will end up in another quarrel. You can voice your opinion on something you did not like but you do not have to use a harsh tone. Learning how to stop the conflict is more important than knowing how to stop it from happening. A lot of times the conflicts get out of hand when both of you do not know how to end the conflicts.

In fact, the ability to diffuse post-argument tension can help you to save your marriage. One suggestion on how you can end your argument amicably is to end in a little humor. Laugh at yourself for being silly to get angry over such a trivial matter and your argument will end with a happy note.

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3. Share Financial Responsibilities - money is the root of all evil!
You may be surprise but if you share financial responsibilities right from the start of your marriage can help to build a strong relationship. If both of you can communicate opening on money matters, you will be able to plan your future together and not get into debts later on.

If you have not been sharing the financial burden with your spouse, there is no harm in starting from today. Begin by asking gently what might be bothering them if they looked worried. You can also talk about the present economic situation in the world and then subtlety mention that you are willing to share the burden with your spouse if he/she is facing any financial difficulties. Knowing that you share the same goal and that you are willing to share the financial pressure can help to strengthen your relationship and even save your marriage!

4. Communication - talk about feelings, not unimportant things!
If you have heard of spouses leading separate lives and wonder how can that happen to a marriage, the answer is simple - lack of in-depth communication. Deep communication is different from small talks. If you have been talking to each other about getting the leak fixed or taking the dog for its annual vaccine, that is not deep communication. More importantly, you need to tell each other about your feelings and your goals.

Even talking about your fears will help to strengthen your relationship as you are helping your spouse to understand more about how you feel. You should also encourage your spouse to do likewise. Make it a point to communicate with each other on such important things on a daily basis and you will be able to save your marriage from any disasters!

If you feel that you have been drifting apart lately, do not wait any longer to apply the above save marriage advice and do not get sidetracked by any captivating magazine headlines that teach you what to do in bed or when to send presents! Building a strong bond requires hard work, trust and constant communication. It is not difficult as long as you are committed to keeping your marriage.

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Communication problems exist in all relationships regardless of how loving you and your partner might be. The only difference is how well you handle the problems and makes attempts at solving them. In fact, learning how to communicate well may also be the key to help you save marriage. Fortunately, it is not difficult to learn good communication skills and the 6 tips below will help you to overcome any communication barriers you might have and improve your relationship with your loved ones.

1. Understand the differences in gender
It is vital to understand that men and women do not handle relationships in the same ways. If you do not keep an open mind and try to understand how the opposite gender approach love matters, you are very likely to simply view your partner's behavior as being illogical, not mature in thinking or petty. However, if you put in an effort to find out and understand how your spouse views relationships, you will save yourself a lot of relationship problems. This should be your first step if you are trying to save your marriage.

2. Refrain from blaming your partner
It takes two hands to clap so when there is any problem in a relationship, both parties are responsible. So when a conflict occurs, do not waste time finding out whose fault it was. Instead you should focus your energy on looking for ways to solve the problems. If you blame your partner for the problem, the other party will get all defensive and a quarrel is sure to ensue. So remember, focus on solving the problem, not on finding out whose fault it was.

3. Listen, not just hear
There is a difference between listening and hearing. Listening is when you pay attention to what is said by you spouse or lover and try to understand fully what he/she is trying to say. However, hearing is simply allowing your partner's words to enter or maybe not even entering your ears but you did not bother to comprehend what your partner is really trying to get across to you. By listening thoughtfully, you can help to greatly reduce the possibility of communication problems that are caused by misunderstanding each other.

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4. Speak your mind but use kind words
If you are upset by something that your spouse or lover has said or done but you do not tell your partner about it, he/she cannot read your mind. Bottling up your feelings can lead to wounds that bleed so badly that they will never heal and that's when you find yourself drifting further and further apart. To save your marriage, you have to play a part in being honest and frank with each other. However, mind your words used and do not hurt your spouse in the process of speaking your mind. Just remember that your spouse probably did not intend to hurt you and is just as unhappy to learn that you are upset by something he/she has said or done. So speak your mind to clear any miscommunication.

5. Encourage, not criticize
You may think that you have good intentions in wanting your spouse to change his/her flaws or bad habits but by criticizing them, you are only getting them to drift further from you because nobody likes to be criticized. If you really hope that your spouse can improve, giving positive feedback will work better. You must remember that you are a lover, not a teacher to your spouse.

6. Do not divert from the facts in your arguments
It is perfectly normal for a couple to have differing opinions but it will not benefit your relationship if you say things that you cannot prove. Talking about your emotions is fine but do not make sweeping statements that are subjective. For example, you can say that your spouse has embarrassed you when he tells your friend about your fear for lizards because you are talking about your feelings and you have explained your point clearly. On the other hand, if you say that your spouse was disrespectful to you in front of your friends, you are not making your point clear as standards of respect differ for each individual.

It is not difficult to save your marriage by applying some simple techniques such as overcoming communication problems in your relationships. However, you need to get the right and proven save marriage advice from someone who has personally experienced and tried out the methods. Then, all you have to do is simply to apply these strategies in your daily life and you are on your way to rebuilding your relationship. For a start, you can apply the above mentioned tips from today!

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A lot of marriage failed because couples do not take responsibility for the role that they play in a relationship. Very often, blaming the other instead of oneself become the favourite pastime of couples and when there are conflicts, they choose the most convenient mean - walking away instead of trying to save the marriage!

Apparently these couples have short term memories because they are the same individuals who have vowed to support and to love each other through thick and thin! However, divorce has now become an easy way out for people who do not have the courage to salvage what deserves to be salvaged. When couples go through a divorce, they channel all their energies into accusing each other of causing hurt and disharmony in the marriage. They forget that in the process, their children are the ones most deeply hurt! If they have channeled their energies to save the marriage, more than one human being is saved!

So is it possible to save your marriage? Yes, if you had loved each other in the first place, you will definitely be able to rekindle the love and here are 3 ways in which you can save your marriage.

1. Share financial responsibilities
Many married couples forget that it takes two hands to clap so now that they are married, both party should be responsible for the family financially. Being married means you are united as one so you should shoulder the burden of raising a family together.

Find out each others' spending style and come to a compromise on how best you can save and at the same time not have to sting on yourself. Spend some time to prioritize what is important to you and to your family, especially if you have children. You need to come to a mutual agreement on how you can divide out the burden of financial responsibility.

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2. Never go to bed angry
I strongly believe that this is very sound advice to building a lasting relationship because you and your spouse are two very different individuals so there are bound to be conflicts. The important point is that you must find ways to resolve those conflicts. By all means take time off to cool down but after a storm, both of you have to sit down and discuss the issue together. You have to listen to each other and find a solution or come to a compromise but never leave the fight overnight.

It is very unhealthy to go to bed angry and you will only cause a drift in the relationship if you do not try to resolve your problem first. After which, you should forget about the fight and make up for it in bed. It is vital to forget about the problem after the fight had been resolved if you want to save your marriage.

3. Plan time for romance
Many married couples forget to plan a time for romance, especially if they have children. In order for a marriage to last long, it is important not to forget to spend time to be intimate. Marriage is not the end of romance, it is the start of a whole new life together. If you sense that something is not right in your relationship, you need to make time for each other so that you can save your marriage.

People are constantly busy nowadays so if you do not find time for your spouse so as to rekindle the love in your relationship, it will hit trouble. It is definitely not worthwhile to spend all your time carving out a career for your family only to discover that you have lost your marriage in the end!

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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