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Browse published articles attributed to Doron Gil, with full-archive search.
INTRODUCTION As long as you run the dating-marathon in order to have a relationship by Christmas rather than taking the time to contemplate you past failures and learn what to change, you might fail once again! DON’T SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT!
It is safe to assume that no one has ever taught you the importance of SELF-OBSERVATION: how to look inwards, contemplate your thoughts, feelings, reactions and behaviors. Observation will help you pay attention to your reactions and behaviors with your partners and become aware of the ways in which you sabotage your relationships. IN WHICH SITUATIONS CAN YOU OBSERVE YOURSELF?
Serious researchers are looking for ways to predict and identify future criminals. Research has shown that criminals serving time for violent acts have already shown violent tendencies in elementary school. By the same token, studies comparing introverts and extroverts have found that such tendencies are already settled in the mother’s womb. Following in the line of such research, the question therefore is: Can you predict your success or failure with relationships based on your past experiences? IT IS POSSIBLE TO PREDICT FUTURE BEHAVIORS?
We all like to think we have only “good”, “nice”, “elegant”, “friendly” traits. While trying to present a nice “face” to ourselves and our partners, we repress and deny other traits of us, which we think carry “negative” connotations; which are not “socially accepted”; which might bring us shame, contempt, and rejection; which might make it difficult for us to find a partner and develop an intimate relationship.
INTRODUCTION It isn’t easy to change habits. But when it comes to intimate relationships, sticking-on to your habits is a sure way to fail. When you understand your habits, realize the damage they cause to your relationships and make the necessary effort to change them, you increase your chances of developing a successful relationship. HABITS MIGHT HARM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Introduction When you get up the courage and the motivation to go through the process of mindfulness, observe, pay attention, become aware and accept what you see, the more self-understanding and personal-growth you gain, and the more empowered you become to develop a successful intimate relationship. ** Mindfulness and Intimate Relationships Mindfulness means: you pay attention to and are aware of whatever happens within you regarding your life and relationships.
Partners’ spying on each other is not a new phenomenon. What is new is the “James Bond” techniques they use. In different stores in Manhattan you can find, these days, various devises to spy on your “loved one”: a pen, glasses, a key-chain, a tie, a watch, a clock, even a teddy bear - all of which look like ordinary ones. But they are more than the eye can see!
If you are taking part in the dating scene you have probably met many who claim to be in the process of divorce/separation or declare that they have just recently separated. Agreeing to go out with them under the assumption that a satisfying relationship might develop is, in most likelihood, a wishful thinking, ending up in your being frustrated, angry at yourself, disillusioned and alone. Taking care of your own self-development is a time better spent than going out with them. WHY IS IT BETTER FOR YOU TO NOT GO OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST SEPARATED OR “IN THE PROCESS”?
Many who fail in their relationships don’t take the time to develop their Self-Awareness and understand the reasons for their failure. Why don’t they? Many think they know themselves well enough to be able to cultivate and maintain a “good” relationship (whatever they mean by “good”). They think they know how to be and behave in a relationship. Therefore, if the relationship fails, it is not them, but their partners’ fault! They think that “loving a lot” is the secret for a satisfying long-term bond.
As much as you might want to have a successful, healthy and satisfying relationship, and as much you think you do “all you can” in order to have one, you might still, unconsciously, react and behave in ways which hurt your bond. This is normal and humane, and many share this problem. The reason being, that you, like many others, might not have the courage to be authentic, to voice your needs and wishes. You might prefer to “be there” for your partners (or dates), to “agree” and succumb to whatever they request and expect.
You may have heard experts saying that couples usually feel happier in their life then singles. Indeed, studies show that in spite of the escalating number of divorces and separations, 80% of young adults still say they are looking forward to a good marriage (or living together), a satisfying long-term relationship and sharing life together. Research conducted in different countries, including the USA and European countries, has shown that good marriage makes the partners happier, healthier and financially richer.
If you are single looking for a partner and your friends ask: “Do you want a relationship?” you certainly answer affirmatively. But often, once you have one, something odd happens: you give up and ignore your own will. You tell yourself: “I have a relationship - and that’s what matters! Do you think that nothing in life is more important than a relationship? Jane’s story
During my many years of experience with Self-Awareness and Relationships I’ve witnessed often how many people use self-manipulations to justify to themselves why they AREN’T successful in developing an intimate relationship. These justifications apparently help them feel “good” about themselves. Unfortunately, by doing so they hinder their attempts to cultivate the relationship they hope for. Becoming aware of their self-manipulations and honest with themselves is therefore essential. JUSTIFICATIONS SINGLES USE: A SAMPLEr
There are many traits you are NOT AWARE of which control your attitudes, thinking, reactions and behaviors in your relationships. These usually are traits which you perceive to be “negative”; which you are afraid might bring criticism upon you; disrespect; rejection and abandonment.
Engaging coaches in your personal and professional life has become a trend: more and more seek the advice and services of one coach or another, be it for lack of time, lack of experience, inability to make the right choices by yourself or just a symbol of status (just like having a personal psychologist, lawyer and accountant). But when it comes to relationships – whether you have a partner and are dissatisfied or are looking for a partner - do you really need a personal coach? Does the coach know something you don’t? Can the coach really help you in ways you cannot help yourself?
A major component of successful intimate relationship is authenticity: when you are “who you are”, true to yourself and genuine, you can develop, nurture and maintain a healthy and satisfying intimacy. But many fail in their relationships because they are NOT authentic. Getting up the courage to embark on developing your Self-Awareness and on making the necessary change to becoming authentic is the one sure thing which will lead you to finding and developing the successful intimacy you so much desire. The reasons are obvious. When you are authentic:
It often happens that couple’s intimacy experiences difficulties for the simple reason that the partners don’t know, or are unwilling, to come towards one another. Each believes his/her way of thinking and doing things is “the right way”. In addition, women in general often feel they are not loved; men often feel they are being criticized. Becoming aware of how all these hinder your intimacy will enable you to come towards each other and “help” your partner feel loved, understood and accepted.
Introduction If you are without a relationship for a long time now, you might consider yourself “a loneliness expert”. Indeed, such an option is always available. But before you decide to adapt such an “expertise” you can choose another option: to look inwards, find out things about yourself you might not have known until now, make the necessary changes which will enable you, with your renewed motivation, persistency and dedication, to “go out there” and eventually find a partner with whom to develop a successful relationship. **
Introduction If you wholeheartedly wish to have an intimate relationship and don’t yet have one, it is important that you understand the true reasons for not succeeding. Implementing five simple steps might help you figure out how to proceed to having the relationship you hope for. ** So, you want to have a relationship but so far you haven’t been successful. Why not? There are those who are not sure why, they just not successful at having one, that’s it, they say. Maybe they haven’t found the right match for them yet, maybe they didn’t have luck so far, who knows.
WHY DO YOU FAIL TO DEVELOP A SUCCESSFUL INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP? If you have been trying for quite some time now to find a partner with whom to develop a satisfying relationship but in vain, or are having continuous problems with your partner, there is probably something you do wrong. Apparently you are sabotaging your attempts at relationships without even knowing that you do! Becoming aware of how you sabotage your relationships enables you to make the necessary changes and to embark on the road to a successful relationship. Let’s take Mary as an example:
Women seem to be more emancipated than ever before. Many of them have well-paying jobs, highly-respected positions and credentials, and can support themselves financially. All these empower them to go on dates feeling good about themselves and acquire the “expertise” necessary to determine which men are most appropriate for them.
INTRODUCTION Whether single or in an unsatisfying relationship, you might be afraid to change your situation. You might want to do so; you might tell yourself you are “about to doing so”; you might wait for “the right moment” to making a change in your life. But time goes by and you find yourself not daring moving forward. The Fear of Change paralyzes you. THE FEAR OF CHANGE I’ve recently heard the following comment:
When you sacrifice your own will “for the sake of the relationship” your relationship seems harmonious, everything is by mutual consent. However, because you don't allow place to your own will, but rather live according to your partner's, you begin to feel uncomfortable, frustrated and angry. When you develop Self-Awareness, understand what has driven you to give up on your will and realize the price you pay for it, you can get up the courage to make changes in your life and become able to develop and maintain a healthy relationship.
At times, when you find yourself failing – once again! - to develop a successful intimate relationship, you may think about developing your Self-Awareness and get a hold on the ways in which you sabotage your relationships. But then, do you feel motivated to doing so out of belief in the merit of Self-Awareness, or as last resort? WHEN SHOULD YOU BEGIN DEVELOPING YOUR SELF-AWARENESS?
Introduction Many are driven by a host of factors which drive them to “fall in love” with the wrong person and enter unhealthy relationships. Developing Self-Awareness, understanding the factors that control them and making the necessary changes are important in order to stop such pattern from happening. They then become able to find, develop and maintain a healthy and satisfying intimacy. ** “Falling in love” isn’t always “a piece of cake” Anonymous story
There are many messages you have UNCONSCIOUSLY internalized while growing up, which drive you to behave in self-sabotaging ways with your partners. DANNY (Example 1) Nathalie accuses Danny of not expressing his love for her. He doesn’t hug her; he doesn’t tell her that he loves her. She claims that he treats her like just another object in the house. This annoys Danny: he buys her lots of gifts – bracelets, earrings, necklaces, rings. Isn’t that enough for her? EXPLANATION
INTRODUCTION It is quite a pity to see people harming their relationships time and again and refrain from developing Self-Awareness to understand how to change. Do they really prefer to keep sabotaging rather than acknowledging how they shoot themselves in the foot and change? This article lists THE BEST 10 TIPS ON HOW TO KEEP FAILING IN RELATIONSHIPS. It is written in an ironic way. Those motivated to stop failing can proceed to “NOT DO” the 10 tips described here. 1. NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART IN THE FAILURE OF YOUR RELAITONSHIPS. IT IS ALWAYS YOUR PARTNER’S FAULT.
WHEN IS THE SELF-AWARENESS PROCESS NOT A CHOICE, BUT A REQUIREMENT? Whether you are single wishing to develop a satisfying intimate relationship but to no avail, or in a relationship experiencing problems and difficulties similar to the ones you have experienced with previous partners, and you wish to finally get a grip on what’s causing you to fail time and again, developing your Self-Awareness is a MUST. THE TRIGGETING POINT
INTRODUCTION No matter how smart, intelligent, good-looking and “in-demand” you are, as long as you are not successful in developing the relationship you desire it means that there is something you do wrong. Why not make a New-Year Resolution to understand what this “something” is and become empowered to develop the relationship you desire? ARE YOU HAVING PROBLEMS WITH RELAITONSHIPS?
Introduction Can a person driven by a bottomless need for love, causing her relationships fail time and again, get up the courage to look inwards, become aware of where this need comes from, realize the disastrous effect it has on her relationships and take the necessary steps to conquer it? **
INTRODUCTION Your partners might often see in you characteristics and traits you don’t acknowledge and accept in yourself. The reason being – you reject and depress these in you if you feel they don’t correlate with the person that you want to believe you are. Listening to what your partners tell you about yourself can help you change, improve, develop and maintain a satisfying relationship. YOUR PARTNERS MIGHT KNOW ABOUT YOU MORE THAN YOU THINK
If you are presently on “the dating scene” wishing wholeheartedly to find a partner with whom to develop a serious relationship, don’t date those who are basically UNAVAILABLE. No matter what they promise you, and regardless of how much you think “this is the right person for me”, dating them is a waste of your time. The possibility that a serious relationship will materialize strives to zero. Unavailable other means: he/she might be married, living far away, “married” to their work, just-recently-separated (and not emotionally available for a new relationship) and so on.
You might be failing in your relationships for a variety of reasons. But as long as you are not aware of what the true reason is, you will not know what you need to change. Consequently you will keep failing in your relationships. Becoming aware of what stands in your way is therefore vital to your ability to change what needs change and become able to develop a successful intimacy. It is likely that when your relationships fail you either don’t know what has caused the failure, blame your partner, or resort to one thousand and one excuses to justify it to yourself (and to others).
One of the “surest” ways to fail in your relationships is by not being connected to your will; by compromising yourself at the altar of the relationship and by not being true to yourself. It is important that you understand why you’ve chosen these ways and realize how by doing so you sabotage your relationships. When you can get up the courage to connect to your will and be true to yourself you can develop a healthy and satisfying relationship. What does “not being connected to your will” mean?
If you have been trying for quite some time now to develop an intimate relationship but are not successful, in most likelihood you keep trying, keep dating others, hoping and praying that one day, eventually, you will succeed. But would you? Is there truly a reason to believe that if you haven’t been successful until now you will succeed, somehow, in the near future? It is very likely that as you continue dating others you will keep behaving in exactly the same ways you have until now; and if you have been failing until now, is there any reason to believe that “suddenly” you will succeed?r
Do you find yourself at the end of this year either without a partner or dissatisfied with your relationship? Do you wish to ensure that next year you’ll have a successful and satisfying relationship? If so, what you need to do is embark on The Journey to Self-Awareness: Understand what has led you to the situation you are currently in, change whatever needs change and become empowered to develop a successful relationship. IF, AT THE END OF THE YEAR YOU ARE: 1. SINGLE, wishing wholeheartedly to find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimate relationship;
CHRISTMAS IS A TIME TO GIVE AND RECEIVE PRESENTS As Christmas approaches you probably wonder what presents to give. If you have a partner you want to show how much you love him/her. You are also curious what gift they’ll give you. But if you don’t have a partner, here’s an idea for a great gift you can give to yourself this holiday season. DO YOU WISH TO HAVE AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP NEXT YEAR?
Although it might NOT be apparent, there is a big difference whether you go out with someone YOU have decided to go out with or with someone who has chosen you. The first usually happens when you are empowered to be yourself and feel safe with being alone. The second often occurs when you have a low self-esteem; are desperate to have a relationship and willing to go out with whoever shows interest in you.
He didn’t call or sent you an sms after the date and you take it personally. You think it’s because of you; that he didn’t like you; that he was not attracted to you; that he didn’t enjoy your company, that he might have detected your insecurity and shied away from it; that he might have noticed you haven’t had any relationship for a long time and decided it is too risky to try anything with you. In short, you feel you have sabotaged it once again! You have so many reasons to take it personally. To feel that you have sabotaged your chances once again!
There are those who, regardless of how many relationships they have attempted to develop with different partners have nonetheless failed time and again. Yet, they keep trying, hoping that “next time things will be different”. As much as hope is a motivating force to keep trying, there isn’t actually a good reason to believe that if they have constantly failed until now they will succeed in the future.
Introduction If you find yourself time and again with a partner who seems to “run away from you”, but nonetheless you hang-on to this “partner”, albeit the pain it causes you, you are not alone. Many behave similarly. Still, it is YOUR life. Therefore, when you get up the courage to understand what drives you to behave the way you do and you work on whatever issues you walk around with, you become able to find and develop a healthy and satisfying intimacy. **
It is very likely that if you have been failing tine and again to develop a successful relationships it means, you don’t know what you do wrong. Consequently, you keep doing the same “mistakes” over and over again. When you get a grip on what makes you sabotage your attempts you can change and become able to develop a successful intimacy. THE REASONS FOR YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS MIGHT BE MANY
Introduction The Top Five Regrets outlined here as related to a successful intimate relationship can help you consider how you “do” you own relationships. They can motivate you to think upon and reflect whether you allow yourself to be “who you are” in a relationship – or not; whether you allow yourself to express yourself or not; whether you are true to yourself or not. Becoming aware of the ways you approach relationships and interact with your partner is a key to being able to develop and maintain a truly satisfying intimacy. **
If you are among those who dream about finding “the one and only”; “the perfect match”; “the knight on the white horse” - you probably have developed a host of fantasies and hopes about how this person will look like; will be like; will behave like, love and treat you. And you probably have imagined, time and again, how your first meeting with this person will look like; will be like: the first kiss; the first eye contact; the first sentence each one of you will utter. And the first – and certain – “connection” the two of you will feel towards one another.
When you cling on to your belief that you are right and your partner is wrong you often find yourself involved in power struggles and conflicts about “who's right”. Unintentionally, you make “being right” your first priority instead of your relationship. You neither listen to your partner nor let his/her opinion penetrate the wall you’ve built around yourself. Sometimes you don’t understand how it is possible that your partner thinks otherwise – doesn’t he/she see reality?
INTRODUCTION Are you afraid from being infected with the “holidays’ blues”? From feeling depressed and lonely? The best you can do for yourself is be determined to “use” the holidays’ time to find out why you’re still single and what you need to “work on” and change in order to find a partner and develop the relationship you so much long for. THE HOLIDAYS’ BLUES: THE LONELINESS, THE SILENCE
Time is money. For one reason or another this phrase has taken precedence in many aspects of our daily life: on CNN, for example, you often hear the anchor saying to an interviewer: “quickly…”; or “please answer the final last question in one sentence”. Twitter forces you to send messages with no more than 140 characters. Various internet sites accept articles which include no more than a limited amount of words. And in the dating scene you have probably become familiar with “speed dating”, which allows you to meet someone for 3 minutes and move on to the next person.
Learning to say “No” is an important step forward in improving your quality of life and relationships. Often, those who can’t say “No” within a relationship (or, for that matter, with new dates even before a relationship has been formalized) are often those who can’t say “No” in other situations in their lives. Saying YES when you rather say NO harms your relationships. The only effective way to begin saying “No” is to begin saying it, and to stand by what you say. Why could she never learn?
Many who are not happy with their relationships. They would have loved to make a change for the better, but they are afraid. At times they themselves don’t know what they are afraid of, still they hesitate to take steps leading to a change. They stay stuck in their unsatisfying relationship, hoping that somehow, someday, things will turn out for the better. But will they? Apparently not, since without initiating a change there is no reason that things will turn out for the better.
There are many needs of which you are NOT aware that control you and harm your interactions with your partner. It is only when you develop Self-Awareness and get a grip of these needs that you can de-activate the power they exert over you and stop harming your relationships. KATE’S CARE-TAKING BEHAVIOR Every time Kate begins a relationship, she immediately begins taking care of her partner: he should eat properly; dress properly; his weekly schedule should be orderly; he should remember to go to the dentist.