Browse published articles attributed to Karla Downing, with full-archive search.
Christians aren't the only people who need boundaries--everyone does--but when setting boundaries, Christians want to feel assured that the choices they are making are pleasing to God and biblically based. Knowing how God sets boundaries with you as his child helps you know how to set boundaries with your adult children.
Triangulation in dysfunctional families can be healthy and unhealthy. There are many ways you can "triangulate" which simply means to get involved in a relationship between two people in an attempt to fix it. Dysfunctional family dynamics give you many opportunities to get involved some of which are okay and some not okay. Triangulation isn't healthy if: - It prevents two people from talking directly. - It enables a person to continue doing something wrong because of your intervention.
Forgiveness is an important part of the teachings in the Christian faith. However, there are five commo Christian misunderstandings about forgiveness that result in people misapplying it to their relationships.
Are you struggling with Christian codependency? These 7 signs will help you to decide whether you are a Christian codependent or not. When we are being "codependent" it means we have an unhealthy way of reacting to a problem in a person close to us or a pattern of coping with life that is unhealthy.
Are you looking for help for your Christian codependency? If so, do you wonder if God wants you to be codependent? Christian codependents tend to overly give, ignore their own needs, tolerate mistreatment, and lose themselves while believing God is pleased with them. Many of the beliefs people commonly hold about what the Bible teaches about relationships appear to support the view that God wants us to be codependent. These four Scriptural teachings are often taken out of context and applied in ways that are unhealthy and unbalanced:
Do you struggle with speaking the truth in love in your relationships? If you answered yes, this biblical truth and tip will help you by showing you how to learn to refuse to argue or defend your truth.
There are 10 things Christian codependents must do to change the patterns that keep them reacting codependently in life and relationships. If you are a codependent, you live your life focusing on other people. In order to change, you must take the focus off others and put the focus onto your own life by doing the following 10 things:
If you are looking for help with your Christian codependency, this article will help you by providing four things to do to stop triangulating in your relationships. You triangulate when you enter into a relationship dynamic between two other people in an attempt to fix the problem. Here are some things you may do that are triangulating: • Holding a resentment toward or punishing someone for what is done to another. • Speaking for someone rather than letting the person speak for himself/herself.r
Are you wondering if you are a perfectionist or just someone who values doing things well? Answer the following seven questions: When you fail or fall short of your expectations, do you: Beat yourself up in your mind with negative self-talk? People who value doing the best they can understand that they will make mistakes no matter how hard they try. Perfectionists don't allow themselves to make mistakes and are extremely hard on themselves when they do.
Are you wondering about setting boundaries with your adult children? Parenting your adult child sounds like an oxymoron. The two really shouldn't go together, but they often do. There is an epidemic of children eighteen years and older (even much older) that still require involvement from their parents in their lives and want support in the form of a place to live, money, training, and emotional energy. This requires a plan and an understanding of the ways adult children should be parented. Here are five ways God wants you to parent your adult child:
This Christian marriage help will enable you to take back your power to change your life whether your husband or wife changes or not. The problems in your marriage are real and the changes you want your spouse to make are most likely reasonable. The dilemma that you have is that you can't make him or her change and as long as you are waiting for change and pushing for change, you are stuck in the same patterns.
Here's another help to overcome Christian codependency: Identify four common misbeliefs you need to change to detach from false guilt. Guilt is meant to help us identify when we have done something wrong. Guilt can be experienced as a physical pain, a nagging sense that something is wrong, a strong feeling that won't go away, a mental conviction, or a prickling of the conscience. Because guilt is associated with the assumption that we have done wrong, we assume that whenever we encounter guilt that it means we are guilty. This isn't necessarily true.
Are you looking for Christian relationship help that shows you how core wounds trigger overreactions in relationships? Childhood leaves us each with core wounds. These core wounds or core issues resurface repeatedly in relationships. They typically form the basis of overreactions to things that the other person does.
Are you looking for Christian marriage help to understand the biblical teaching to respect your husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Here are some questions behind the question: How do you respect your husband when he does things you don't respect?
This Christian relationship help will give you five signs that you are your enabling parents. 2 Corinthians 12:14 says, "After all, children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children" (NIV). You don't anticipate having to make difficult choices as an adult as to what you will and won't do for your parents because you assume that as adults they will take care of themselves. Yet, many adult children are facing difficult decisions on how to help or not help parents who are making bad choices with their own lives.
This Christian marriage help will show you how to face your fears in your difficult marriage. Fear is a natural response. It is a God-given basic survival mechanism to protect by enabling a person to heighten senses and attend to what is threatening by either fighting or fleeing. Some people "freeze" when they feel fearful and find themselves unable to do anything in response to the danger. It is the "freeze" that keeps you from facing your fears.
This Christian relationship help will show you that actions matter more than words in your difficult relationship. Difficult relationships are with difficult people and difficult people tend to say one thing but do something else. It is confusing when someone's actions don't match the words, but for some reason, people tend to believe the words instead of the actions. This is a mistake.
If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and have children, you have a dysfunctional family. This article is the first in a series to show you how to take care of your children in the midst of the dysfunction. Few things cause as much pain, anguish, anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, and frustration as seeing your children hurting. You want good things for your children. Matthew 7:9 says, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?"
Christian boundaries are a source of confusion for many Christians, especially when they are in difficult relationships. We wonder what a boundary is. We wonder if we have the right to set boundaries. We wonder what our boundaries should be. We wonder if we should adjust our limits when people refuse to respect the boundaries we have. We wonder what other people would do in a similar situation. We wonder why we need boundaries. We wonder if our boundaries will be challenged. We wonder what kind of boundaries God would want us to have.
Are you looking for Christian relationship help? Do you wonder what Jesus would do in your difficult relationship? There is a good chance that you have some misconceptions about what Jesus would do. Many Christians have a picture of Jesus as a passive weakling who allowed himself to be abused and mistreated at the whim of sinful men, laying dow His rights, and not standing up to evil. This is far from the truth. Look at these truths about Jesus' interactions in the relationships He had while on Earth:
With Christian dating, the one Scripture that comes to mind is 2 Corinthians 6:14-15: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness: What harmony is there betwee Christ and Belial? What does a believe have in common with an unbeliever? " (NIV) It is clear that Christians need to be equally yoked, but not only in their faith.
You can overcome Christian codependency by learning how to take care of yourself. Christian codependency promotes misconceptions about when God thinks it is okay to put yourself before others. We have to care about ourselves and others. One of the best ways to determine if you should put someone else's request or need before your own is to consider your motive. Here are some reasons you might be compelled to neglect your own needs for someone else's:
Are you looking for Christian relationship help? It is often said that Christians need to lay down their rights in relationships to please God. Let's look at what the Bible says about Christians having rights in relationships.
This Christian relationship help will enable you to understand the five common fears people have in difficult relationships. Whether it is due to someone's addiction, irresponsibility, personality, mental illness, or abuse, life has uncertainty and complications. Here are the five common fears: 1. Fear of the Person's Reaction Difficult people are reactive. They are punitive, manipulative, angry, moody, and unpredictable. There is typically a price to pay when you attempt to set a boundary, confront an issue, expect cooperation, or ask for something to done.
This Christian relationship help answers the question: How to let go of anxiety when people you love make poor choices?
Do you struggle with speaking the truth in love in your relationships? If you answered yes, this biblical truth and tip will help you by showing you how to use "I statements" to minimize defensiveness. When sharing your truth, your approach matters. You can share your truth in a way that guarantees a defensive or angry response. When you accuse or attack, the person will react defensively. We all want to defend ourselves; it comes naturally-eve Adam and Eve defended themselves when God confronted them about eating the forbidden fruit.
Are you looking for Christian relationship help to enable you to be wise in dating? Here are three dangerous dating mistakes Christians make that will keep you in a bad relationship:
If you are looking for Christian relationship help, this article will help you answer the question: Is God punishing you for your bad relationship choices? There are commo Scriptural misunderstandings about relationships that result in Christians making unhealthy choices in relationships. These misunderstandings come from our families, church teachings, other Christians, and our own personal beliefs. In addition, we also tend to have rigid black and white interpretations of selected Scriptures. One of these is the belief that God punishes us for our wrong choices in our relationships.
Are you struggling with speaking the truth in your relationships because you are afraid of causing the other person to be hurt, unhappy, or upset? Then, this biblical truth and tip will help you. The most common conce Christians express when being honest is the fear that it will hurt the recipient. They have the misconception that it isn't "Christian" to cause a person pain or discomfort.
The following 6 Scriptural misbeliefs form the basis of Christian codependency. They show how inaccurate Scriptural beliefs contribute to codependent choices. The cure is an accurate understanding of what the Bible says about ourselves and how we are to value ourselves compared to others in relationships. Here are the 6 Scriptural beliefs:
Are you looking for Christian relationship help? This article offers 4 steps to let go of denial. A friend of mine complained that her college daughter didn't act responsibly while in Hawaii on her parent-paid vacation. The expectation was that she would call home regularly and not get into trouble. She didn't call home and she got into trouble. Her parents were disappointed, shocked, upset, and angry that they had given her the trip.
Are you struggling with forgiving yourself for things you have done and haven't done? Many people have more trouble forgiving themselves than other people. It can be especially hard when the consequences of your actions have hurt others and there is no way to remove them.
When overcoming Christian codependency, how do you know when you should put your needs or the other person's needs first? By applying these four truths: 1.You have to stay emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally healthy. Ephesians 5:29 "After all, no one ever hates his own body, but he feeds and cares for it" (NIV).r
Are you looking for Christian marriage help to enable you to have stronger boundaries? If you have difficulty setting boundaries in your marriage you are probably tolerating more than you should and allowing yourself to be disrespected. Boundaries are simply what you will and won't do and when communicated to your husband give him feedback on how you want to be treated. Here are five causes of weak marital boundaries:
Are you struggling with Christian codependency? If you answered yes, then you probably experience feeling guilty often in your relationships. If you hold the following beliefs, you will struggle with guilt in your relationships: - You feel overly responsible for other people and as a result, feel guilty when others don't do what they are supposed to do and suffer the consequences.
This marriage help for Christians will allow you to recognize whether or not your spouse's affair is really over. Affairs don't necessarily end at the first disclosure or discovery. There is often a time period where the spouse says it is over but continues the affair. During this time, the wayward spouse is typically defensive and withdrawn and unwilling to disclose details or make changes. True repentance involves a willingness to be honest and accountable and experience the pain associated with confession similar to what David experienced in Psalm 32.
Do you struggle with speaking the truth in love in your relationships? If you answered yes, this biblical truth and tip will help you. Some people are not naturally verbal and have difficulty expressing their thoughts, especially in emotionally volatile and unpleasant circumstances. When they are dealing with people who are verbal, persuasive, intense, angry, controlling, or pushy, they tend to "freeze" and are unable to communicate, because they cannot compete.
Are you looking for Christian relationship help? Regardless of the problems you are dealing with, it is important that you identify and change these six toxic Christian relationship beliefs in order to make healthy choices. 1. You believe it is selfish to put yourself before others.
Are you looking for Christian marriage help because your husband is using pornography? Here are six ways to respond to your husband's use of pornography:
Submission is the "S" word in church. In this modern day of equality, women's rights, and women working, many pastors avoid it or quickly skip over it, focusing on the man having to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:22-33).
Are you struggling with how to overcome loneliness by searching for Christian friendship? Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says: "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." (NLT) It isn't good to be alone, but it is also unnecessary when it is because you believe these four myths about loneliness:
Do you struggle with speaking the truth in love in your relationships? If you answered yes, this biblical truth and tip will help you. Difficult relationships have lots of issues to deal with. There are disappointments, hurts, unmet expectations, irresponsible choices, unacceptable behavior, resentments, and fears. Poor communication makes all of these issues more complicated, because they are not able to be resolved or focused on to make changes.
This Christian relationship help will enable you to understand why relationships with narcissists are difficult. Good relationships have balance. There is give and take that attempts to meet the needs of both people (Philippians 2:4). In contrast, relationships with narcissists focus around meeting the needs of the narcissist. Here are the reasons why the relationship isn't easy:
Most of us don't do well with nurturing ourselves. We are experts at taking care of others' needs and ignoring our own needs. Some of this self-neglect comes from four Christian codependency beliefs that prevent you from nurturing yourself. Which of these beliefs have contributed to you not nurturing yourself?
Are you struggling with Christian codependency and finding yourself loving too much? Jesus told us that the two main commandments were to love God and others. A popular Christian song had the following lyrics: "And they will know we are Christians by our love." Christians know they should love, but they don't know always know how. The emphasis is on forgiveness, tolerance, turning the other cheek and grace. The result is that they end up forgetting about the other side of love.
Are you looking for Christian friendship because you feel lonely? "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, NLT). Feeling lonely is indeed a reminder that one is at a disadvantage being alone. If you are struggling with being alone, there are five things you simply must do to end loneliness: Regardless of what causes your loneliness, here are some keys to taking some steps to end your loneliness:
Is your Christian codependency resulting in you keeping the peace in unhealthy ways?
There are 4 things you must do when dealing with chronic illness in a loved one to overcome Christian codependency. When someone we care about is chronically ill, we react to it the same way people react to other situations that are continually stressful and uncontrollable. Christian codependency tells us we have to sacrifice ourselves without limits. Doing these 4 things will enable you to cope in a balanced and healthy way:
When does a relationship qualify as abusive? One of the ways to answer that question is to look at boundaries that must never be crossed. Boundaries are intended to protect you as a valued person in a relationship. There are four boundaries that abusive people violate because they do not see you as a separate person with rights:
Are you looking for Christian relationship help that will enable you to understand what it means to suffer for good in your relationships? Misunderstanding regarding this teaching leads to unhealthy choices in relationships. First Peter 3:17 says, "It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil" (NIV). Some have wrongly interpreted this to mean that we will be rewarded for enduring mistreatment. The truth is that we will be rewarded for some of the mistreatment we endure; but not all of it.