My Husband Wants Me Out Of His Life: My Husband Is Telling Me He No Longer Wants To Be Married
There are two ways you can look at an unhappy marriage. The pessimistic way to look at it is to believe that the situation is beyond redemption and irretrievable. Any attempt to save your marriage would only be a self-defeating exercise. This is not only a fatalistic point of view but also demeaning to your own morale while continuing with the pain till the bubble bursts. However, there is a slightly more positive way to look at the situation when you believe that there could still be light at the end of the tunnel. After all your spouse is still physically present and possibly both of you are still on talking terms, whatever little the duration of communication may be. The fact is that you both have not yet got divorced and legally separated; this means that you still have several opportunities to work on to repair the cracks and save your marriage.
If you have been trying to save your marriage for some time now, chances are that you have heard or read many tips and techniques to start and go about the process. If you are fatalistic, none of these otherwise proven tips are going to work - since primarily in your subconscious mind you have already accepted defeat. However, if you still believe in yourself and your love for your spouse, you could fine-tune the tips given below, depending on your own specific situation. Remember no tip to save your marriage can be 100% foolproof because only a couple knows how to work on their specific issues, and there is no 'universal formula' that works well with every human mind.
Tip #1: Depending on the communication ability of your spouse, it might be a good idea to get him or her into a joint discussion about issues that are affecting the marriage. In stead of shooting arrows in the dark, such frank and open communication would also give you enough information about how the other mind is working. To save your marriage, the intention has to be equally strong on both sides. Or else, it would turn into a one actor drama where one person simply sits back and enjoys the show.
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Tip #2: If you have got even a vague idea of what has caused your spouse to turn against the marriage, focus on correcting that particular aspect of your action or behavior. It could be something to do with your lifestyle, habits, friends, etc. While you are attempting to save your marriage, never think that you are making great sacrifices and you are paving the way to martyrdom. Many changes are perhaps necessary not just to save your marriage but also for your own good.
Tip #3: Try and involve more people in your family. At these times the company of humorous and well-meaning friends help as the crowd somehow diffuses the situation. Of course make sure that you involve people who are liked by your spouse. Depending on the age of your children and whether they are willing to help out in the situation by lightening the charged environment, you could ask them to join in also, to save your marriage
Essentially, to save your marriage is not an easy task. It does not matter whether it is a marriage which is only a few years old or a few decades. There are positively good enough issues in the marriage which is unbearable for one of the partners and that is the time when things start to get sour. But if both of you feel true love and respect for each other, you can make some sincere efforts to save your marriage, which would yield the desired results sooner than later.
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Marriages are not meant to be perfect. Nobody is perfect anyway so why seek perfection in your relationship? In fact, many people believe that there's beauty in imperfection where it concerns a person, situation or relationship.
When it comes to marriage, however, sometimes it's how couples find ways to make the relationship work that matters a lot. Attitude has a lot to do with it. Yes, going to counseling sessions can help particularly when you're having a difficult time with your partner but this can be a costly path to take.
But there are practical ways that couples can do if only to keep their relationship going for the long term. There are no standard rules to follow, just the attitude of being contented with what you have and with the person you're married to. That alone could lead you to enjoy a lasting marriage and family life with your children.
First off, be tolerant of your partner. It may sound difficult to do such as when you're bursting of emotions and you want to have the last say in your argument. But wait, it is not practical to always win in any argument that you have. You can't get what you want all the time so know when to submit and listen to what your partner has to say. Sometimes, it feels tempting to continue arguing but if you want peace right away, it's best to give in too.
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Be appreciative of what your spouse does. Whether you're the husband or the wife, try to express your appreciation to each other. The more often you do it, the better for your relationship. This can be on any minor task accomplished such as for your home, children or for yourself. Your appreciation can be relayed through kind and positive words and loving gestures and when done consistently, they can inspire you both and your children moving forward.
Never fight in public if possible. This is a big embarrassment to both of you and when children are involved, the more you should not do this. If it's unavoidable, however, that you feel disappointed on how your partner acted or you did not like what he or she said while you were out in public, keep your cool and discuss the issue later on when you've arrived home. Never even fight while you're in the car as this could affect your or your partner's driving ability.
And when you talk about your issues, always be calm. Take a deep breath first, think about what you have to say and speak softly. At least when one of you does this, the likelihood of a heated argument will not happen. It's all about being in control of your emotions because if you are able to do this, it can influence how your spouse reacts. So be patient, say your piece once and learn how to listen, too. Problems can only be solved when you discuss them in a calm manner and agree to not repeat mistakes.
Try practicing these simple ways and you will be surprised at how you're helping make your relationship work.
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THIS IS A REAL THING. Each generation the same things potentially propagate themselves. In terms of marital relationships, try this one:
A lot of friction within marriage may be a repeat performance of our parents' relationships. Watch out for the re-runs!
~Janvrin & Selleck (italics in original).
Traditions in families run deep as do loyalties and values. Each of these is possibly an advantage of itself, but in a world where ideals clash even ever so slightly, we're headed for trouble.
At the end of the day this is not about rights and wrongs. It's about perceptions and values--the more softer targets that are absolutes of nothing. In other words, 'his way' or 'her way' is neither more right than the other, or simply it's a case of adopting 'a way' i.e. one single way.
This is why it would be best for marital partners to regularly have 'discussion dates' where they raise these issues of difference and discuss them toward resolution in a positive, relaxed and emotion-free environment. This should be a separate event to date-night. (I believe every couple should have date-night once a week--a night dedicated to their relationship.)
Whenever we get "stuck" on issues and neither partner is going to budge, how good would it be if each was to ask, 'Is this a throwback to the way my Mum and Dad did it?' or 'Is there something in this about how my family of origin resolved conflict?'--for some families don't; resolve conflict that is!
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The broader concept of the generational curse indicates a snare that affects every single person and relationship on the planet--we're all wounded souls with hurts taken deep from our families of context. There's no getting away from it. The best and only thing we can do is use this knowledge:
1. Not to hem us in--but to free us;
2. To problem solve so as not to repeat the same old mistakes and misfortunes in the next generation-that's our kids'.
The generational curse will also mean that there's a good chance you not only picked up some of the great traits in your Mum or Dad, you also picked up some of the not-so-great traits too. Added to this, of course, your relationship may begin at times to resemble theirs. It's no coincidence!
The issue of "repeats" is a warning sign for us if we'll be aware for it. Don't settle for clashes that are inevitable when you bring two slightly opposed familial systems together; it would be like getting two different countries together to live on one patch of land--there are going to be problems unless both get together and work out vibrant plans for collusion and cooperation--targeted at a common goal i.e. harmony.
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People are starting to become more aware of the pitfalls and dangers of marriage counseling. I personally cannot think of a more misleading group of so-called professionals. Just the other day I met an individual who told me the marriage counselor she and her husband were seeing was wonderful. I was surprised and told her how unusual it was, from my experience, for marriage counselors to actually help marriages. She said "Oh, she wasn't able to help us stay together, we're getting divorced at the end of the week, but we really like her." Fortunately for her family, which includes a precious four year old daughter, I was able to convince her their marriage was definitely worth saving.
There are some very good reasons to avoid marriage counselors.
Reason #1
I don't know the statistics of how many people who are getting a divorce went through marriage counseling, but the most commonly accepted statistic for how many people get a divorce - and most of them have gone through marriage counseling - is scary enough. On the low end 70% of the people who have gone to marriage counseling get a divorce, on the high end it is well over 90%. That's like bringing your car into an auto repair shop that repairs somewhere between 2% and 30% of the cars they work on; the rest of the cars end up in the junkyard. So it's fair to say the number one reason to not get marriage counseling is because statistically it is a fraudulent profession that advertises benefits it cannot deliver.
Reason #2
Sometime statistics can be misleading. What is important to understand is where they come from. Sometimes they speak so loudly there is no need to look into their source. For instance the statistic regarding divorce rates among various professional groups. I found a statistic that I thought was pretty reliable because I was able to trace it back to a study. A psychiatrist is a medical Dr. who is trained in the fields of psychology. The following article reports that 51% of psychiatrists get a divorce.
From the "John Hopkins Gazette"
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After decades of following 1,118 physicians who graduated from the Hopkins School of Medicine between 1948 and 1964, researchers found a 51 percent divorce rate for psychiatrists and 33 percent for surgeons, rates higher than those for internists (24 percent), pediatricians and pathologists (each 22 percent). The study revealed a 32 percent overall physician divorce rate.
The number two reason to not go to marriage counseling: Statistically they demonstrate the same capacity for remaining married as anyone else! Wouldn't it be odd if an auto mechanic had to bring his car to the junkyard because he couldn't get it running?
Reason #3
Everyone knows the story about the boy who stuck his finger in the dike and saved Holland. The counter moral to that story is if you don't do something in time it gets much worse. But the accepted practice of marriage counseling includes regular meetings of 45 to 50 minutes for at least several months. As someone who has worked with people in crisis situations I can tell you absolutely 45 or 50 minutes is not enough time. My own sessions lasted two HOURS and I never scheduled anyone behind the people I worked with in case I needed another 15 or 20 minutes. What do these counselors think happens at the end of the session when one or both parties has just vented about their spouse? So here is the third and final reason to not get marriage counseling: So that you can avoid the increased grief caused by putting everything out on the table, when all it does is worsen the relationship.
God didn't make marriage so complex that you need an expert to guide you every step of the way. However, due to the bizarreness of our current society, people don't lead a natural life and don't know what to do in most situations. The lessons I have written explain the principles and dynamics of marriage. When you read them everything will become very clear to you. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say or write that everything in the lessons seems like they already knew it before. In a nutshell Lessons For A Happy Marriage is common sense sorted for the specific life of a married couple. Learn how to be married and enjoy the very best situation you will ever have. Now go ahead and tell your spouse, "I love you."
Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.
You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.
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