Saying "No" is a Life Skill, Plain and Simple

By Dr. Toby Silverton and Dr. Bev McLagan

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Learning the communication skills of how and when to say NO, from the authors' eBook: Learn to Say NO Fast!

Have you ever had one of those times when it felt like your "To Do" list tripled overnight, without your help? Seems like we can hardly go a day without hearing from a client that they want more balance in their lives, more life in their lives, more time to themselves. We all crave space and time to enjoy ourselves be it at work or at play, but getting it these days is a rarity.

The squeeze is on, so what can you do about it? There is one simple skill available to anyone and everyone who wants more balance in their lives -- learning to say NO: No to unreasonable requests...no to demands...no to stretching yourself too thin...no to one too many projects...no to friends, family, colleagues, and bosses. Saying NO is a life skill, and even more than that, life requires us to say NO, it's just part of living, so we might as well get comfortable doing it. The thing is, we all know how to say no--ask any mom, we learned it loudly when we were two! The problem is we (a) are fearful of saying No, (b) have been trained out of saying No, (c) simply don't think about it as an option, (d) worry more about other people than ourselves, or (e) all of the above.

Sorry to say, but in this day and age it still often boils down to the "pinks and blues". It's just a fact, boys are encouraged and allowed to say No more than girls are. Girls on the other hand are often taught to need everyone to like them and saying No just isn't part of that! Heads up, however, that doesn't mean that all men are off the hook in needing to practice this skill. Just because you can say No at work doesn't mean you do as well with parents or kids! We hear from far too many of our male clients that work has encroached to a serious degree on their family lives and recreational time. No, saying No is a life skill we can all brush up on.

Here's just one example of how saying No can differ between the sexes. Two clients, colleagues in the same firm, one male/one female, throw in an unreasonable request by the boss to each, a request that you could say actually went against their integrity and values, what were their responses and outcome? Well, the male employee reported to me that the first word out of his mouth was "No, not possible for him to participate". On the other hand, the female employee never really said "yes" or "no", so inevitably a "yes" was assumed. Needless to say, she landed in a regrettable and stressful situation causing much worry, where the male employee had already put it to rest by the time we spoke. Our male client makes it through feeling okay about himself, in control of his situation...but our female client ends up feeling resentful, vulnerable and in a one-down position.

Variations on this theme play themselves out every day at work, in families, in our relationships, and they go way beyond the specific situation. Remember one thing***everytime we say Yes when we want to say No, we give ourselves (and others) a clear message of who we are and our rules of engagement.

So. IS IT TIME FOR YOU TO RECLAIM YOUR INNER TWO-YEAR OLD? Doing so could actually increase the balance so many of you are looking to experience. Try these 5 fail-proof solutions:

1. Identify your needed No's: Check your schedule for the week ahead--identify 1 or 2 things you would like, or need to say No to. Go ahead and do it, say No. Do this once a week for 3 weeks, then step up your pace to every day for 3 weeks.

2. Cost out the price of your Yes: What is the price you personally pay for saying Yes when you want or need to say No? The price can be in time, money, energy, or emotion. Write down your answer. Ask yourself this question 3-5 times more and note your answers. Is it truly worth the cost?

3. Practice, practice, practice: Saying No is simply a communication skill. Practice your polite No with telemarketers, or try on 10 pairs of shoes or 10 ties and say "No thanks".

4. Stall tactic: You don't always have to say No on the spot. Perhaps the most useful No to own is the "Can I get back to you? No". It's legit. and it buys you time to consider the personal price of saying Yes.

5. Grammar lesson: No is a complete sentence--it has a capital letter at the beginning and a period at the end. It is short and sweet, but more importantly, it is effective.

Learning to say No more effectively is a huge step to finding more balance in your life and more energy in you. There are many formulas for saying No and they can be found in our ebook: Learn to Say No Fast!