Who Comes First Your Spouse Or Your Parents: My Spouse Thinks I Put My Parents' Well Being Before The Health Of Our Marriage - Loyalty To Parents Over Spouse

It's a very difficult position to be put in when it feels as if you must chose between your family and your spouse. After all, you feel like your spouse is family too and it feels as if this an unnecessary line being drawn in the sand.

A wife might say: "I will admit that I feel that my extended family is my responsibility. My mother is in ill health. So I take care of her and my father. I bought them a house right down the street and I cook for them and also maintain their household because they aren't able to do it for themselves. They moved from the home that I grew up in to spend more time with me and their grandkids. We are very close. I would never turn my back on them. I admit that I put a lot of time and energy into their care. But, they did the same for me when I was a child. I feel like they are my responsibility. My problem is that my husband seems jealous and resentful of the time that I invest in them. He says that I care about them more than I care about him. He says that I put him last. He is saying that if he were to leave, I wouldn't even notice because I have my parents to worry about. He says that he doesn't want to be in a marriage where he is last. He is considering leaving me and separating. I am so hurt by this. I do not want to lose my husband. But I can't turn my back on my parents. I can't believe that he is acting like this. It is very selfish. I feel like he is making me choose."

I understand why you feel that way. You are trying to do good. You are being a good daughter and you are following your heart. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. But, for the sake of your marriage and your own happiness, we need to find some middle ground here so that every one is happier and every one feels cared for.

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Look At It From Another View: I understand why you feel like your husband is being selfish. But I think that a good first step here is trying to see things from his point of view. His message may come off as being self centered, but what he is really telling you is that he wants more of your time. He is telling you that he misses you. And that he too wants to feel close to you and as if he is a priority. These things are not unreasonable.

See If You Can Lighten Your Own Load: The key, I believe, is to find a way that means every one feels cared for and you don't feel exhausted and like you are juggling plates in the air. Is it possible to hire out some of the care for your parents? I know that you likely feel very resentful at this because they are your parents and you feel responsible for them, but please hear me out.

There are likely tasks that you want to do yourself like their health needs but cleaning the house and providing some of the meals really could be done by someone else, freeing you up for more quality time for yourself and for your husband.

There are more options also. The two of you can sit down and discuss a reasonable schedule. Ask your husband when he would like quality time. There may be some specific days where he has other obligations and when he spends time with friends. Those are the times when you can be at your parents' house without worry because that is time that you would not be spending with him anyway. The key is to get him to define what amount of time would make him happy and then to negotiate from there.

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Another strategy that you can try is to attempt to get him more involved with your parents. If he can enjoy spending time with them, then that is time that can be spent together.

Of course, there is no substitute for one on one time with your spouse when it is just the two of you having intimate time together where you are focused on no one and nothing but each other.

It's important that our spouse knows that, although your extended family is very important to you, no one takes his place in your life. He needs to know that he is important enough to you that you have no problem arranging your schedule so that he is a very obvious priority in your life.

With a little planning and finesse, I'm convinced there is a place where every one can feel cared for and happy. You are not wrong for wanting to take care of your parents. Many daughters who are adults must juggle this. No one is the bad guy here. The key is to find that sweet spot where every one knows that they are a priority for you.

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When a married couple finds themselves needing help in their marriage, the generally accepted "solution" is to seek out a marriage counselor / therapist. Well, at $75 - $200 per hour and a weekly session for both the husband and the wife and appointments scheduled well into the future, this option can quickly become prohibitively expensive.

Moreover, there's usually the issue of participation and cooperation. There's almost always one spouse who really wants to get help...and one who doesn't.

Further, there's usually a problem related to privacy. There's usually at least one spouse who is not interested in opening up and exposing the details of his or her personal life to the "world".

Besides the issues of cost, participation / cooperation, and privacy, there are two even more important reason why a person should seriously consider do-it-yourself marriage counseling.

First and foremost is that classically trained marriage counselors are trained to explore and analyze the problems a married couple is having...with the idea that by exploring and analyzing the problems, the "solutions" will somehow surface.

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In reality, all that happens is that the spouse who is already upset and "negative" about the marriage simply gets to RE-EXPERIENCE all the "bad stuff" that's going through his or her head and all the negative feelings they feel towards their spouse and marriage gets AMPLIFIED even more.

And so, the marriage ends up in worse shape than it was before the couple went to "marriage counseling".

The second big flaw in traditional counseling is that it generally creates greater division instead of bringing the troubled couple closer together. Usually, a married couple is already "divided"...that's why they are seeking marriage counseling. And then, they get to the marriage counselor or marriage therapist office and they get "divided" even more by getting assigned to SEPARATE counseling sessions...and it becomes an adversarial / divided situation where the counselor / therapist is essentially encouraging each spouse to BASH the other one...and that's NOT how you bring two people together.

Of course, the idea is that the counselor / therapist will somehow be able to "mediate" and "negotiate" the two people back together...but that's sort of like trying to "mediate" a fight while egging the fight on.

It's no wonder that traditional marriage counseling has such a low success rate.

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When a couple is facing marriage problems, divorce may feel like the next logical step to take. Not all couples are ready to make that change though and in some cases although one partner may feel that there is no hope to rebuild the relationship, the other may not want to let go. If you and your spouse are currently struggling with some challenges and keeping your family intact is your goal, there are things you can do to help remedy the situation. If your marriage is important to you, giving up on it doesn't have to be the road you travel.

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We all know how key communication is to solving marriage problems, but one part of that puzzle that is often overlooked is the listening aspect of it. When your emotions are in turmoil it's understandable to want to express what you're feeling to your spouse, but you also have to recognize how important it is to listen to them. Your spouse is also feeling many things and they need to be able to talk to you about them, openly and honestly without fear of being verbally attacked. It's difficult when the person we love starts criticizing us, but it's crucial to hear and absorb what they say if you want to save the relationship. Give your partner the opportunity to talk about what they're feeling without you interrupting. It will help you to gain some insight into what they're feeling and thinking which is incredibly valuable.

When a couple makes the transition from partners to parents, the romantic connection can get buried beneath all the responsibilities. You've got to ensure you make time just for your partner. You two are first and foremost a couple and you need to embrace and nurture that. A great and helpful idea is to create a plan that enables you to have one evening a week that is devoted solely to one another. Arrange a sitter and just plan on being together. It doesn't matter if you go out or stay in, the focus isn't on the activity, but the company. Spend time getting reacquainted and rediscover your partner again. You felt close enough to them to marry them, and with some effort and patience, you can recreate that closeness now.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

If your marriage is losing it, knowing how to make your husband desire you again can magically rebuild everything, and make your marriage last forever. Maybe you have a friend who has that "perfect" marriage - her husband is everything you would want. If you find yourself jealous of this, don't. You can make your marriage just like that perfect marriage you have been envying.

First of all, I want you to think back of the times when you and your husband were first together. There must be things you had that made your husband mad about you - that's why he married you. Unfortunately, it's not easy stay the same person throughout the marriage if you are not making a conscious effort for it. But if you think about it, it is not hard to show your husband that you have not changed at all, and you are still the woman he was crazy about before. This is essential if you want to make your husband desire you again.

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Understanding what to focus on is also essential. One big, big reason for husband losing interest in their wives is that their wives lose what once made them individual, lively and independent. For you to be interesting and stimulating, you need to make your husband understand that your life isn't dull and you have a life outside the marriage. The truth is that a man takes responsibility in the well-being of his wife's life. If your whole life is your marriage, know that nobody wants to carry the happiness of their spouse entirely upon their shoulders.

Even if both spouses love each other sincerely, at times they might find themselves getting more and more distant from each other and getting close to a divorce. But like me, you too can take some steps into saving your marriage and turning it into a satisfying relationship.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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