How often do I hear of marriages that end in divorce, and when asked about it, the male partner who was left behind will say something like, “I don’t get it. I loved and provided for her. I thought we were fine. She left for no reason.”
Often a woman’s affection toward her husband does a nose dive when he begins to choose other activities or people over her. This is a blind spot for so many guys, as they aren’t really aware of the way their misplaced priorities damage their relationship.
Many husbands are shocked when their wives leave them “for no reason” after ten, twenty or even thirty years of marriage. They feel a sense of betrayal for providing everything their wives needed, or wanted—a nice home, a good car, plenty of money to raise the children, vacations, and financial security. Yet that wasn’t enough. Why? A woman needs so much more than things.
For a marriage to flourish, a wife needs to know she has a very special place in her man’s heart. She needs for her spouse to grant her honor. She needs her man to attach high value, worth and importance to her above everything and anyone else, and below God.
Let me ask you a look-in-the-mirror question: Does your wife feel less important than your work, hobbies, golfing or fishing buddies?
I’m not saying you’ve got to donate the fishing gear to the Salvation Army, or sell your Callaway clubs at the next garage sale. A lot of husbands reading this will probably feel threatened by the thought of giving their wives special treatment, fearing they will lose out with their friends, career, or hobbies. They falsely believe if they give up other activities for the sake of being with their wives, they will give them up forever.
Full disclaimer: Nothing that I coach men about winning in their relationships revolves around giving up their masculinity, or losing their identities in their marriage. The first lesson I learned in my first failed marriage was that I had to reinvent how to connect to the heart of a woman, NOT how to reinvent my manhood!
Remember, when a wife feels she is #1, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do. But words are cheap. Simply telling her she’s first so she’ll let you off the hook to head out and play doesn’t work. In fact, if she finds out you’ve tried to manipulate her, find the dog house because that’s where you’ll be sleeping for a while. Worse off, you may be faced with major problems concerning her trust in you and her own feelings of worth.
So you must step up like a real man and honor the sweetheart of your youth. If you really want your wives to feel they’re the most important thing, that’s noble of you, and I send a high-five your way. But it’s hard right?….until we honor her through action.
Here’s your coaching lesson to step-up like a real man. Remember that feelings follow thoughts and actions. In other words, it’s not until after you place your wife on the pedestal she deserves to be on, and put the “queen’s crown” on her head, that you will begin to have that warm and fuzzy sensation inside of you. That’s the feeling you get when you treasure someone.
Fair warning: your ego will probably be bruised living these principles, but that’s good news—it’ll tell you you’re on the right track. Humility is the strength of a true servant leader.
Your woman needs to see action and not hear mere promises. Give her time to watch you climb the mountain if she ain’t buying it first. The more consistently you connect to her heart, the more trustworthy you’ll become. Soon she’ll put on her hiking boots and trek up the cliff with you.
So what happens after you attach high value to your girl, the mother of your children? She will be free to encourage your fishing expeditions and the early bird back 9 tee time with your buddies (or, for a female friend I know, support her man’s rigid running routine), knowing that she’s at the top of your list.
My wife encourages me to enjoy and pursue my interests in sports and writing because she feels secure in her position of importance. If something drastic happened, she knows my first commitment would be her. Even if it happened during game seven of the NBA Finals, with the Lakers playing the Celtics!
To your success,
Marcel is a faith-based, Board Certified Life Coach, popular speaker and expert on authentic leadership and relationships. He helps people thrive in life, work and marriage, and mentors men nationwide who come to Marcel seeking the formula for authentic masculinity.
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