How To Talk To My Husband After A Fight: What To Do After A Fight With Husband

When people come to see me for help with their relationship they invariably say that they do not communicate. If I comment that of course they communicate it just is not in the way that they want to communicate I get a lot of affirmative nods. What each person really wants is the opportunity to express what he/she wants and to be heard.

Communication between two people gets complicated because it is influenced by the self esteem of each person. When we doubt our worth it becomes easy to let the other person define us. What the other person says becomes the way we see ourselves rather than something that is their opinion. The task of knowing what we feel and think belongs solely to us.

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The key to dealing with relationship conflict is to strengthen our self esteem and to learn effective communication skills. Here are a few tips.

1. Treat everything that comes to you from the outside as belonging to the other person. For instance Molly was in the habit of taking personally whatever her husband said about her. She had given the power to define who she is to him with the result that she felt alone, helpless and devalued.

2. You alone can define who you are. This is very valuable to learn to trust because it puts you in charge of yourself which is empowering.

3. Communication is learned. The way we communicate we learned growing up and consequently what does not serve us well can be unlearned. For instance, if I think that the only way you will love me is for me to agree with you I will compromise my integrity and agree with you. My emotional survival depends on you. If instead, I work at strengthening my self worth I will define myself and what I say and how I respond will reflect that.

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A man and woman were trying to move a couch in their home one fine morning, and were not meeting with much success. With mounting frustration in her voice, the woman said "Honey, I don't think we are ever going to get this couch out of the living room." To which he responded, "Out of the living room? I thought we were trying to get it into the living room!"

Many people, myself included, have written and talked about how to handle and resolve conflicts in a relationship. While that is all well and good, what about preventing them in the first place?

I've worked with many couples who have had a discussion about what to do about something and thought they were in agreement. Then one of them acted on those thoughts, only to find out that the other person thought just the opposite was agreed upon. This can create a nice breeding ground for a big fight.

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This is where what I have come call the AWIA Approach comes in handy. AWIA stands for Are We In Agreement?

The idea is to end conversations with the question "Are We In Agreement?" As I have had couples practice this one, and as I've used it in my own little laboratory at home, I've found that many times couples think they are in agreement when they are not. Asking the AWIA question cuts through any miscommunication and can cut off any future misunderstanding and conflict.

So give it a try. End the next few conversations with "Are We In Agreement" and see if you like the results.

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Have you come across couples who have been successfully married for more than 25 years? You should have come across such people. But have you tried to find out what the secrets that made their marriages last so long were? While doing this analysis, you should differentiate between marriages that have been successful and marriages that have just stood the ravages of time.

Many couples remain married for a long time but they are not necessarily successfully married. Their marriage has endured because for some reason the couples were unable to choose divorce as an option. Various considerations like the need to bring up children, financial constraints and the inability to overcome the inhibition of opting for a divorce have forced people to bear with their partners.

Successful marriages have certain common characteristics. I am listing out the three most important traits so that you can use these as a check to evaluate your own marriage.

1) The personality of one or both the partners:
There is an Oriental saying that you need two palms to produce a clap. If one hand moves and the other does not, there will be no clap. If one partner has a strong personality he or she can make a difference to the marriage. The strong partner will find ways to handle the shortcomings of the other rather than force a separation. If both partners have strong personalities, then the marriage is blessed and is guaranteed to last long.

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2) The bond of love is strong:
Love is a solvent that can dissolve numerous problems. The Tamil poet Bharathiar says, 'Feelings of grief and depression will be destroyed by love. Love is unperishable.' So, whatever be the personalities of the partners, whatever be their weaknesses or shortcomings and whatever be their acts of indiscretion and impropriety, if the two partners love each other, that love will remain the predominant force in the marriage, a force that will guide the marriage towards a successful path.

3) Open communication between the partners:
If the partners have a habit of communicating with each other openly, nothing can come In the way of the success of the marriage. There are couples who will not be vociferous even in expressing their love. 'I love my spouse and they should know it' will be their attitude. Thy fail to realize that unexpressed love is as good as unrequited love. The other partner is likely to assume that their spouse did not love them because if they did, they would have said so. In the same way, when differences are not brought out into the open, they assume serious proportions and end up destroying the relationship ultimately. Couples who openly express their differences and fight out the issues have better chances of getting their differences reconciled. So whether it is love or resentment, couples who are more communicative have better chances of saving their marriage.

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When I write relationship advice for women, I always try to buck the trend. This not only makes my advice stand out, it also forces me think of different ways that something good can also be bad. People give techniques and tips and assume that they will work. We all know that something that may be advice for one person could be detrimental to someone else's relationship. Being able to compromise is often noted to be a valuable skill when it comes to getting more out of your relationship. Here are three reasons why this is a lie and what you should be doing instead.

1. Stand Your Ground

When you are forced to compromise, this sometimes eventuates because your spouse is being unreasonable. If your man is used to having his way, doing things your way will show him that sometimes he has to let you take control.

The more you buckle and let him have his way, the more you're going to establish in his mind that he has the power in the relationship. Relationships are all about balance. You should lead at certain times and he should lead at certain times. This is when compromising doesn't work.

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2. Is It Win-Win?

Compromising is a skill that involves balancing the priorities of more than one person. When you compromise with your man, sometimes neither of you ends up being happy. The option to compromise should always be a win-win situation but arriving at this point isn't always easy.

Compromise is always made out to be the be all or end all of conflict resolution but sometimes it's better to agree to disagree. Nothing says that a couple can't have separate lives and still be happy.

3. Are You Happy?

When you compromise, you're not as happy as you can be. If you get your way, that will usually lead to you being as happy as possible. If you're always forced to compromise, this can lead to you feeling like your man is suffocating you.

It's healthy to be selfish once in a while. This is why mothers have to stay fit. If they keep giving and giving to their husbands and children, not only will the value of what she gives drops, she'll give so much that there will be nothing left of her. It's about self respect knowing where to draw the line.

This relationship advice for women is important purely because some women don't know how to have that balance in their relationship. Compromise should always be win-win. If it isn't, it is usually better to agree to disagree.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.


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