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Browse published articles attributed to Doron Gil, with full-archive search.
INTRODUCTION As long as you are not TURE TO YOURSELF you harm your relationships. Finding out what prevents you from being true to yourself is vital for initiating the necessary changes and cultivate a successful intimacy. WHAT DOES IT MEAN “NOT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF”?
You probably tend to think – like most people do - that the most horrific betrayal of all is a person’s betrayal of his/her partner. After all, this is what you have been brought up to believe since childhood – from books and movies you have seen; from newspaper reports you have read; from TV programs you have watched as well as from conversations with others. But actually, the most horrific betrayal of all is a person’s betrayal of himself/herself: of living his/her life not according to what he/she would like to live them.
NO ONE HAS EVER PROMISSED YOU A ROSE GARDEN No one has ever said relationships are easy. Neither with a “soul-mate” nor with “loved-ones”. Arguments, disagreements and conflicts always exist. They are part of the relationship. THE MEANING OF “COMPLICATED”
Men and women alike often try to change their partners. They believe that “only when” their partners will think, feel, react and behave the way they themselves do – the relationship will be satisfying. But how often does it happen that just because they try to change their partners their relationship is getting worst and worst? Just because they think they know better how their partners “should be, think, feel and behave” they find themselves in endless conflicts and quarrels? Why would anyone want to change his/her partner?
INTRODUCTION Your anxiety often harms your attempts at relationships. It works against you as you try to find a partner and develop a successful intimacy. It drives you to react and behave in ways which are counter-productive to a successful relationship. Combating your anxiety enables you to become empowered and selective about the people you choose to go out with and the relationships you wish to develop. YOUR ANXIETY HARMS YOUR ATTEMPTS AT HAVING A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
Introduction If you feel stuck in an unsatisfying relationship but do not dare to leave, “excusing” your stay with various justifications and rationalizations, try to understand what stands in your way from making a change in your situation. You will then be able to make a clear decision without being driven by uncontrolled fears and uncertainties. **
Writing one’s autobiography has become trendy these days. Old people write their autobiographies, looking-back at their life, to “leave something” for the next generations in their family. As they work on their autobiography they “look-back” at their life, remember the high points and contemplate their regrets, mistakes and whatever they have “missed”. THE IMPORTANCE OF OBSERVING YOURELF AND WRITING YOUR REALTIONSHIPS-AUTOBIOGRAPHY
You probably know those who, when failing, time and again, in their attempts to develop an intimate relationship, tell you “it’s only a matter of time” until they will; “it is only a matter of meeting ‘the right person’”.
In the following 17 tips I explai HOW BECOMING SELF-AWARE ENABLES YOU TO DEVELOP AND MAINTAIN A SUCCESSFUL INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. I show how becoming aware of factors which control you and affect the ways in which you react and behave in dating and relationships is essential to learning how to change whatever needs change and become empowered to develop a successful relationship. 1. WHAT IS SELF-AWARENESS?
There are some surprising similarities betwee Sexual desire and Self-Awareness with regard to Intimate Relationships, some of which you might have never thought about. And why would you? The two seem to be worlds-apart. But are they? SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SEXUAL DESIRE AND SELF-AWARENESS 1. Sexual desire and Self-Awareness are both part of an intimate relationship. However, there are many who do without one or both of them. 2. People who go for a long time without sex sometimes don’t feel the need, desire or wish for it anymore.
WHAT IS SELF-AWARENESS? Self-Awareness is a process by which you get to know yourself better. You can then understand what controls your attitudes, thinking, reactions and behaviors and drive you to sabotage your relationships. As you attai Self-Awareness you can realize the factors that exert power over you, de-activate their power and stop harming your relationships. Developing Self-awareness enables you to become conscious to the following 8 factors:
If you find yourself in unsatisfying relationships over and over again, or without a partner, the reason might well be that you sabotage yourself without even knowing that you do. One way might be, to project onto your partner traits, emotions and behaviors you deny in yourself. When these are being expressed in the relationship and cause conflicts, arguments and anger, you blame your partner for possessing these and refuse to take responsibility.r
Staying in an unsatisfying relationship might be driven by many fears, one of which is THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.You convince yourself that it is better to have a partner and be in a relationship, albeit not a satisfying one, rather than being alone. The problem is that you the give up on your quality of life and hinders any possibility of finding a better intimacy. EXCUSES AND RATIONALIZATIONS TO STAYING IN AN UNSATISFYING RELATIONSHIP When you stay in such an unsatisfying relationship and are afraid to make a change, you look for excuses and rationalizations to justify yourself:
INTRODUCTION You and your partner react and behave in your relationship each from your own Perception of Reality – your personal view point of how things “should be”. Your perceptions are affected by many factors you have internalized over the years while growing up. As long as you are NOT able to be flexible and accept each other’s point of view, you are likely to find yourselves in endless conflicts, arguments and frustrations. YOUR PERCEPTION OF REALITY AFFECTS YOUR INTERACTIONS
INTRODUCTION It isn’t easy to change habits. But when it comes to intimate relationships, sticking-on to your habits is a sure way to fail. When you understand your habits, realize the damage they cause to your relationships and make the necessary effort to change them, you increase your chances of developing a successful relationship. HABITS MIGHT HARM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
If you have a number of failed relationships behind you, it is very likely that you feel wounded, depressed, despaired and lonely. In order to become empowered to develop a healthy and satisfying relationship you first need to heal these wounds. This is possible when you become aware of what it is that makes you fail in the first place.
THE FULLY-FUNCTIONING PERSON The Fully-Functioning Person, according to Gestalt Therapy, is one who self-actualizes himself by freeing himself from what prevents him to live life to the fullest. In order to do so it is vital that he develops his Self-Awareness: 1) Gets in touch with his attitudes, feelings, perception of reality, belief-system, needs and fears, expectations and fantasies; 2) Understands the extent to which they exert power over him; 3) Realizes how they drive him to sabotage his reactions and behaviors with his partners; 4) Neutralizes their power; and
INTRODUCTION Masks you wear might have a heavy toll on your relationships. You are not “who you really are”. You can’t develop a truly intimate bond. Acknowledging the masks and removing them is a prerequisite for a successful intimate relationship. DO YOU PRESENT TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS THE “REAL” YOU?
Self-Growth, Self-Improvement and Self-Empowerment are three concepts which go hand in hand. When you embark on any one of them, you’re actually embarking on all three simultaneously. You are then on the path to having a much better personal and professional life and relationships. It says about Noah that he brought to the ark all animals in couples. But there are things which come in triples, such as SELF-GROWTH, SELF-IMPROVEMENT and SELF-EMPOWEREMENT. The three go hand in hand, and the longer you tread their path, the more they will unite and become ONE.
You might be controlled by the fear of change. When you have a relationship that isn’t satisfying, you’re afraid to make changes or leave and give up the known and familiar, fearing pain and others’ reactions. When single, you hesitate to look for a partner out of fear of changing a way of life you have grown accustomed to and facing an unknown, uncertain situation. When you become aware of the fears which withhold you from making a change and overcome them, you become empowered to move forward, find and develop a satisfying intimate relationship.
If you desire to have a satisfying intimate relationship but haven’t been successful until now, you can probably “predict”, your chances at success next time around based on your past experiences. In all likelihood, if you have failed until now, there is no reason to believe you will succeed next time – unless you make changes vital for a successful relationship. But as long as you are NOT aware of what makes you fail, how would you know what you need to change in order to succeed? EXAMPLES OF MEN AND WOMEN SABOTAGING THEIR RELATIONSHIPS
If you haven’t been successful in cultivating an intimate relationship in spite of your continuing attempts, and are tired of disappointments, failed relationships, unfulfilled promises and/or partners who mislead you, you may resort to believing that you haven’t met your soul-mate yet. He/she hasn’t “showed-up” yet. When he/she will, the two of you will “hit it right away” and you’ll have the wonderful relationship you dream of. But how long should you wait? Is there anything you can do – while waiting - to ensure you will indeed meet your soul-mate?
It is being said that having a belief-system is good: it is something which directs you; guides your actions; motivates you to know how to go about feel you know how to move forward with life. But if your belief-system controls your attitudes and behviors without you being aware of it, you are in danger of sabotaging your relationships.
Introduction Even if you perceive yourself to be an open, honest and authentic person, if you are not alert to your date and don’t keep any boundaries during first date, you might sabotage any possibility of extending the date into a relationship. Being an open person doesn’t mean you don’t have to take things more slowly, go with the flow and the process of getting to know your date. **
INTRODUCTION When you are “there” 100% for your partner – are you there because this is “who you really are”, or this is a mask you hope will get you love, appreciation and attention? Knowing the difference between the two is important for your relationship. DO YOU WEAR A MASK - NOT ONLY ON HALLOWEEN? There are many who wear masks on Halloween. And there are many who wear masks all year round – without even knowing that they do.
If you are single and on the dating scene wishing to find a partner with whom to develop a successful relationship, you have probably listened to and practiced many dating-tips you read in advice columns, found on the internet and received from friends, such as: * Write the perfect profile * Enrol on several internet sites * Develop communication skills * Learn how to listen * Make a list of what you are looking for in a partner * Go on as many dates as you can *Don’t try to show the best “you” on first date
Longing for your partner can fill you with joy, good thoughts and anticipation. There is someone to long for; to write poems to; to dream about at night. But if your partner is no longer there, longing can make you sad and melancholic, arousing the feeling of loneliness. But who are you actually longing for? The following short story – or shall we call it “a real life anecdote” – tries to answer this question. It might have happened to you – or to people you know. LONGING After longing for him so much, she didn’t understand where her longing had vanished to.r
Introduction If you are driven by neediness and dependency you might be “pushed” into unhealthy, even abusive relationships. These might bring uncomfortable, terrible consequences in terms of depression, feelings of worthlessness and of loneliness. Becoming aware of your needs and conquering them will enable you to find and develop a satisfying and healthy intimacy. **r
Bradley Manning, a 23 year old American soldier is in prison for leaking “SECRET INFORMATION” (250 thousand documents) to WikiLeaks. Some say he is a courageous man and call him a hero; others say he is a traitor.
INTRODUCTION If you have been in the dating-game for quite a long time now and still are not successful to develop a successful intimate relationship, maybe it’s time for you to change tactics. Having the courage to do things differently may prove to be “the right way” to succeed in finding a partner and developing the relationship you so much desire. HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO DEVELOP A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP – BUT FAILED TIME AND AGAIN?
Denying traits, emotions and behaviors and projecting them onto your partner sabotages your relationships. As long as you are not aware of this being the case you will continue harm your relationships time and again. Becoming aware is therefore the key to change. Here are three examples of the damage denials and projections cause to the relationship. Meanness & stinginess Example
INTRODUCTION Observing yourself enables you to become aware of your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, reactions and behaviors in relationships (or in staying single). You can then understand how these drive you to sabotage your relationships. This enables you to make the necessary changes and develop a satisfying intimacy.
At times, letting go is very healthy. Yet there are many who don’t have the courage to let go, and they resort to various reasons and justifications to explain – to themselves and to others – why they stay stuck in a bad relationship. While staying they might be “obsessed” about their partner, constantly lingering what to do, whether to stay or leave, what to expect, how to improve the relationship – if at all possible, trying to figure out what they have done wrong, feeling shame, pain and frustration. Why many don’t let go of a bad relationship?
Recently I came across the following Tweet: “Just what the doctor ordered: date 100 men without getting serious with anyone”. This made me thinking: for what purpose would anyone try to date 100 men (or, for that matter, women) without getting serious with anyone? How much can one learn about himself (or herself) by doing so? And how much can one get hurt – or hurt others – by so doing?
If you have been trying for a long time now to have a satisfying intimacy and didn’t succeed, it is very likely that you fail due to lack of Self-Awareness: you don’t understand how you shoot yourself in the foot. Developing Self-Awareness will enable you to realize a host of factors which drive you to harm your relationships, de-activate the power these factors exert over you and become empowered to develop a successful and satisfying relationship.
Whether you are single wishing to develop a relationship or have a relationship wishing to change or end it, changing the situation you are in involves taking a risk. The Fear of Letting Go might withhold you from taking such a risk since it makes you anxious about an uncertain future. But the only way to get out of an unsatisfying situation is to get up the courage to make a change. STAYING IN AN UNSATISFYING SITUATION You might be single wishing to enter a relationship but are afraid to develop one due to the fear of losing your independence, fear of being hurt or other fears.r
The New Testament provides us with many insights and advice-tips about love and relationships. These emphasize, time and again, the importance of loving others and being there for them. HERE ARE 10 SUCH INSIGHTS: 1. A faithful friend is the medicine of life (Ecclesiasticus 6:16). 2. Beloved, let us love one another (John 4: 7). 3. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves. rn(Romans 12:10). 4. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. rn(Corinthians 13:13).r
Many who fail to cultivate a successful relationship often ask me “What’s the secret to succeeding”. As I explain to them that “the secret” is Self-Awareness, they often are surprised. They admit they have heard many “tips” and “words of wisdom” how to go about developing a satisfying relationship, but Self-Awareness? No, this is something they have never thought about. LET ME THEN EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT I MEAN BY SAYING THAT “THE SECRET TO BEING ABLE TO CULTIVATE A SUCCESSFUL REALTIONSHIP DEPENDS ON YOUR SELF-AWARENESS SCORE”
INTRODUCTION As long as you go on dates wearing masks – not presenting your “real you”, you might stay single. When you become aware of the masks you wear, understand why you wear them and have the courage to remove them you can develop a truly intimate relationship. IF YOU TRICK YOUR DATES ALL YEAR ROUND YOU SABOTAGE ANY ABILITY TO DEVELOP A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP Halloween is a fun annual holiday observed on October 31. One day per year people wear costumes and trick or treat others. But is this what you do on the dating-scene all year-round:
A low self-esteem might push you to impress your dates and “potential others” by being “too nice”, “too accommodating”, “too easygoing” and so on, whether when you post your profile on social media or when you meet new people face-to-face. Even though you might be going on endless dates, as long as you don’t work on your self-esteem you will fail time and again.
You will be amazed to realize what people do for love. Some sacrifice themselves on the “altar of a relationship”, some are involved with dangerous and stupid “adventures”. But whatever others do, what is important is that you know yourself and know what you are willing, or unwilling, to do “for love”. **
EXPECTATIONS ABOUT PARTNERS AND RELATIONSHIPS We all have expectations about partners and relationships, and this is natural. However, if you hold on to unrealistic expectations hoping that they will be fulfilled, you are likely to harm your relationships. Becoming aware of your expectations and the way they influence your reactions and behaviors enables you to develop better relationships. EXPECTING THAT “ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE” IS A RECEIPT FOR FAILURE
INTRODUCTION As long as you project your own traits, emotions and behaviors onto your partner, accusing him/her of owning these, rather than accepting them as part of you, you are harming the relationship. Becoming aware of your projections and taking responsibility for all your traits, emotions and behaviors are vital for your ability to develop and maintain a successful intimacy. PROJECTIONS HARM RELATIONSHIPS
INTRODUCTION We all like to think that we are logical, rational human beings. But many of our reactions and behaviors are driven by factors we NOT aware of – leading us to harm our relationships. Developing Self-Awareness paves the way to a successful intimacy. ARE WE RATIONAL HUMAN BEINGS?
Being authentic is a MUST in order to develop a successful intimate relationship. Unfortunately, not many are authentic. In this article I explain why it is so difficult for so many to be authentic, and what you can do to enhance your authenticity and thereby your relationships. WHAT DOES “BEING AUTHENTIC” MEAN? Being authentic means being yourself; being “who you really are”. It means, entering a relationship without wearing masks. Be true and honest with yourself as well as with your partner about your needs and expectations, true intentions and hopes. WHY ARE MANY not AUTHENTIC?r
Introduction There are those who, when confronted with a crisis situation or with a need to change something, get into a “helpless” state of mind. They feel they don’t have control over their lives, that they can’t make decisions and move forward. They might feel stuck in whichever situation and/or state-of-mind they are, yet still not have the courage and/or the motivation to make a change. You might then wish to intervene, help them move forward and make a change. But can you indeed help them? Would they accept your help? ** Connotations of “Friendship”
Many singles are trying various ways to find a partner with whom to develop a satisfying intimate relationship: enroll on dating sites, seek the help of a “dating coach”, attend workshops on the subject, read books on relationships and seek relationship advice in different jou als and internet sites. Yet, may are unsuccessful in seeing their dream of a satisfying relationship comes true. Why is it so? Why do many, in spite of their longing to have a partner and develop a successful intimate relationship, find themselves, time and again, unhappy and disappointed, or simply alone?
If you wish wholeheartedly to succeed in cultivating a successful intimate relationship but haven’t been able to doing so this year, here are10 New Year Resolutions which, if you decide to adopt and follow, will empower you to develop the relationship you so much desire: 1. TAKE TIME OFF from running endlessly from one date to another. 2. HONESTELY CONTEMPLATE the reasons which might have caused your relationships to fail this year. 3. ASK YOURSELF QUESTIONS you may not have asked before, such as:
Trying to develop an intimate relationship but failing time after time is a hint that something you do harms your attempts. Taking a careful look at what this “something” is will enable you to (finally) stop harming your relationships and develop the bond you desire. SELF-AWARENESS IS THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING HOW YOU SABOTAGE YOUR REALTIONSHIPS Developing Self-Awareness is the best way to go about finding out how you sabotage your relationships. Being aware enables you to decide what needs change, and how to change. DEVELOPING SELF-AWARENESS CONSISTS OF 3 IMPORTANT STEPS:
Introduction There are those who, regardless of how many relationships they have attempted to develop, are failing time and again. Waking-up to face reality is not easy. But it is only when they become willing to look inwards; acknowledge that something must be wrong with the way they approach relationships that they can make the necessary changes leading to success. **