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Browse published articles attributed to Doron Gil, with full-archive search.
INTRODUCTION As long as you are not TURE TO YOURSELF you harm your relationships. Finding out what prevents you from being true to yourself is vital for initiating the necessary changes and cultivate a successful intimacy. WHAT DOES IT MEAN “NOT BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF”?
You probably know those who, when failing, time and again, in their attempts to develop an intimate relationship, tell you “it’s only a matter of time” until they will; “it is only a matter of meeting ‘the right person’”.
You probably tend to think – like most people do - that the most horrific betrayal of all is a person’s betrayal of his/her partner. After all, this is what you have been brought up to believe since childhood – from books and movies you have seen; from newspaper reports you have read; from TV programs you have watched as well as from conversations with others. But actually, the most horrific betrayal of all is a person’s betrayal of himself/herself: of living his/her life not according to what he/she would like to live them.
THE FULLY-FUNCTIONING PERSON The Fully-Functioning Person, according to Gestalt Therapy, is one who self-actualizes himself by freeing himself from what prevents him to live life to the fullest. In order to do so it is vital that he develops his Self-Awareness: 1) Gets in touch with his attitudes, feelings, perception of reality, belief-system, needs and fears, expectations and fantasies; 2) Understands the extent to which they exert power over him; 3) Realizes how they drive him to sabotage his reactions and behaviors with his partners; 4) Neutralizes their power; and
Writing one’s autobiography has become trendy these days. Old people write their autobiographies, looking-back at their life, to “leave something” for the next generations in their family. As they work on their autobiography they “look-back” at their life, remember the high points and contemplate their regrets, mistakes and whatever they have “missed”. THE IMPORTANCE OF OBSERVING YOURELF AND WRITING YOUR REALTIONSHIPS-AUTOBIOGRAPHY
There are some surprising similarities betwee Sexual desire and Self-Awareness with regard to Intimate Relationships, some of which you might have never thought about. And why would you? The two seem to be worlds-apart. But are they? SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SEXUAL DESIRE AND SELF-AWARENESS 1. Sexual desire and Self-Awareness are both part of an intimate relationship. However, there are many who do without one or both of them. 2. People who go for a long time without sex sometimes don’t feel the need, desire or wish for it anymore.
If you haven’t been successful in cultivating an intimate relationship in spite of your continuing attempts, and are tired of disappointments, failed relationships, unfulfilled promises and/or partners who mislead you, you may resort to believing that you haven’t met your soul-mate yet. He/she hasn’t “showed-up” yet. When he/she will, the two of you will “hit it right away” and you’ll have the wonderful relationship you dream of. But how long should you wait? Is there anything you can do – while waiting - to ensure you will indeed meet your soul-mate?
Introduction There are those who, when confronted with a crisis situation or with a need to change something, get into a “helpless” state of mind. They feel they don’t have control over their lives, that they can’t make decisions and move forward. They might feel stuck in whichever situation and/or state-of-mind they are, yet still not have the courage and/or the motivation to make a change. You might then wish to intervene, help them move forward and make a change. But can you indeed help them? Would they accept your help? ** Connotations of “Friendship”
Men and women alike often try to change their partners. They believe that “only when” their partners will think, feel, react and behave the way they themselves do – the relationship will be satisfying. But how often does it happen that just because they try to change their partners their relationship is getting worst and worst? Just because they think they know better how their partners “should be, think, feel and behave” they find themselves in endless conflicts and quarrels? Why would anyone want to change his/her partner?
It always amazes me to see the ways in which people attempt to ensure they have someone to spend the holidays with. Some SINGLES vehemently look for a partner right before the holidays in order to escape being alone while “everybody else is with loved ones”. Those in a RELATIONSHIP often decide to stay in it, even if it’s an unsatisfying one, in order to have a “partner” during the Holidays – secretly intending to leave right after.
YOUR ANXIETY WORKS AGAINST YOU! If you have been wishing for quite some time now to have a stable, successful, satisfying relationship but are finding yourself time and again with the wrong partners and in unsatisfying relationships, what does it mean? Could it really be that “all these men” or “all these women” are no good?
The New Testament provides us with many insights and advice-tips about love and relationships. These emphasize, time and again, the importance of loving others and being there for them. HERE ARE 10 SUCH INSIGHTS: 1. A faithful friend is the medicine of life (Ecclesiasticus 6:16). 2. Beloved, let us love one another (John 4: 7). 3. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves. rn(Romans 12:10). 4. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. rn(Corinthians 13:13).r
Are you a person who tells yourself stories in order to justify to yourself why things go one way and not another? Do you convince yourself that whatever happens in your life happens because of such and such reason, unwilling to look reality in the eye and acknowledge that after all, things are NOT the way you would like to believe they are?
Introduction If you feel stuck in an unsatisfying relationship but do not dare to leave, “excusing” your stay with various justifications and rationalizations, try to understand what stands in your way from making a change in your situation. You will then be able to make a clear decision without being driven by uncontrolled fears and uncertainties. **
We all want to think we know ourselves well enough. That we know who we are, what kind of a relationship we want to have and how to behave with our partner. In all likelihood you are no exception. Yet there might be some things about yourself that you DON’T know. Unfortunately, these “things” might cause you to sabotage your relationships time and again – without you knowing that you do.
A low self-esteem might push you to impress your dates and “potential others” by being “too nice”, “too accommodating”, “too easygoing” and so on, whether when you post your profile on social media or when you meet new people face-to-face. Even though you might be going on endless dates, as long as you don’t work on your self-esteem you will fail time and again.
You may see yourself as someone who loves “taking care” of your partner. You do “all you can” to pamper, give and be there for him/her. But is it really “love” or are you driven by insecurity and a deep unconscious need to be loved? “LOVING” and “LOVING TOO MUCH” Do you, each time you begin a relationship, immediately begin taking care of your partner? That he’d eats properly; dresses properly; that he remembers his appointments? Do you, in spite of all this caring, are surprised to find yourself, time and again, abandoned and alone?
A sad story that often repeats itself regarding one’s search for love and intimacy Her need for attention and appreciation, to be loved and be told how “great” she is has driven her to harm her intimate relationship time and again. She expected too much from her partner; she demanded that he says such and such about her; she was impatient for him to declare his love for her. Her relationships with her partners often ended brutally. As much as it is a sad story, it isn’t actually a “story” but a recurring situation which happens frequently and affects many.
Many believe that attraction and desire are some of the most important ingredients of a successful relationship. But a less-known concept – Self-Awareness – is vital to the maintenance of a long-term healthy and satisfying intimacy. INGREDIENT OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP Many perceive sexual attraction to be an uttermost important ingredient of a good relationship: the partners feel attracted to one another; they touch and kiss and make love; they hold each other tight and can’t separate even for a minute; they cuddle into each other’s arms and sleep and dream together.
The attitude you have while going on dates is crucial to your succeeding or failing to extend a date to a meaningful relationship. The more you take the time to reflect upon your attitude this holiday season and realize whether it sabotages you or not, the more you can change and adopt a healthy one, constructive to finding a satisfying bond next year. YOUR PERCEPTION OF RELATIONSHIPS
If you are unsuccessful in developing an intimate relationship you might – like many others - perceive yourself as being “particular” – hereby justifying to yourself the fact that you are unsuccessful. But the fact of the matter is, “particular” are those who are willing to develop Self-Awareness, figure out how they have harmed their attempts at relationships until now and take the necessary steps to change. What does “particular” mean?
The pain of failing to find and cultivate a successful intimate relationship must be horrible to endure. Especially if you have been trying for quite some time to find a partner and develop a lasting bond. Maybe the time has come for you to stop the excessive dating-rush and take the time to learn about yourself and the ways in which you shoot yourself in the foot. The “long” way is sometimes the short one. YET YOU KEEP RUNNING, RUSHING, HURRYING: * You go on as many blind dates as possible on any given week.r
INTRODUCTION Masks you wear might have a heavy toll on your relationships. You are not “who you really are”. You can’t develop a truly intimate bond. Acknowledging the masks and removing them is a prerequisite for a successful intimate relationship. DO YOU PRESENT TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS THE “REAL” YOU?
It is likely that you, as a grown-up – like so many others - probably have some unfinished businesses to take care of, be it relationships issues, unfulfilled career opportunities, as well as unresolved parents-children issues (with your own parents and/or own children). Taking time to heal unfinished business is vital for your continuous personal growth and your ability to develop and maintain healthy and satisfying relationships.
There is no time like New Year to contemplate your successes and failures regarding intimate relationships. If you find you long to have a partner with whom to develop true intimacy and haven’t succeeded until now, why not use New Year as a time to look inwards and see, once and for all, what stands in your way and what you need to do in order to find love and a true intimacy?
Introduction Whether you decide to stay in an unsatisfying intimate relationship or leave is up to you. But you can make a proper decision only when you are aware of your fears and needs, of what might keep you hanging on to a partner which is not for you, in a relationship which is not healthy and satisfying. Only then you become able to make a conscious decision one way or another. **
Introduction The “choices” you make when choosing a partner as well as when reacting and behaving in a relationship are often unconscious and affected by many factors from the past which control you, and are liable to harm your relationships. Self-awareness enables you to understand which factors impact your “choices”. It empowers you to make conscious choices in finding and cultivating a healthy and intimate relationship. You then become the boss of your own choices and decisions. **
Recently I came across the following Tweet: “Just what the doctor ordered: date 100 men without getting serious with anyone”. This made me thinking: for what purpose would anyone try to date 100 men (or, for that matter, women) without getting serious with anyone? How much can one learn about himself (or herself) by doing so? And how much can one get hurt – or hurt others – by so doing?
When you see a couple holding hands, does it make you feel unhappy? At times, whether you are single or in an unsatisfying relationship, you feel unhappy when you see others who seem happy in their relationships. You see couples holding hands, even walk embraced, and this makes you think you are the only one in the world who is not happy, who does not have a good intimacy or who is alone.
INTRODUCTION As long as you go on dates wearing masks – not presenting your “real you”, you might stay single. When you become aware of the masks you wear, understand why you wear them and have the courage to remove them you can develop a truly intimate relationship. IF YOU TRICK YOUR DATES ALL YEAR ROUND YOU SABOTAGE ANY ABILITY TO DEVELOP A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP Halloween is a fun annual holiday observed on October 31. One day per year people wear costumes and trick or treat others. But is this what you do on the dating-scene all year-round:
Introduction “Enjoying life” and “winning” date after date might give you a good feeling – a boost to your ego, to your sexual drive, to your availability. But don’t let it distract you from your initial goal of finding a partner with whom to develop a truly intimate relationship. Knowing and keeping the balance; knowing when to get out of the dating scene and settling down is important. **
INTRODUCTION As long as you project your own traits, emotions and behaviors onto your partner, accusing him/her of owning these, rather than accepting them as part of you, you are harming the relationship. Becoming aware of your projections and taking responsibility for all your traits, emotions and behaviors are vital for your ability to develop and maintain a successful intimacy. PROJECTIONS HARM RELATIONSHIPS
Facebook as a social media offers many functions to its users, from enabling them to connect with friends and family, to develop business liaisons, to dating and meeting others, and on to marketing one’s own expertise and products. Another role that FB can be useful to the individual, which is “out of its box” as a networking website but yet very attainable and timely, is helping the individual EXPAND HIS SELF-GROWTH AND PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT ((“He” throughout the article refers to both He and She).
If you are trying for a long time now to find a partner (if you are still single) with whom to develop a successful relationship, or to develop a satisfying one (if you already have a partner), but are unsuccessful – you are not alone. Many do! And like many others you are probably doing whatever many others do: you read advice columns about dating and relationships; you listen to various tips about “how to date”; “how to make a relationship work”; “how to communicate”, and so on and so forth: the sky’s the limit.
If you have been going on blind-dates for quite some time now and haven’t yet succeeded in extending a date into a meaningful relationship, you may want to take a careful look at yourself and understand the reasons. OBSERVE YOURSELF WHILE GOING ON A BLIND-DATE Looking at yourself doesn’t mean you stop going on blind dates. You still do, knowing that blind-dates offer you a great opportunity to learn a lot about yourself.
A good friend of mine is writing a novel. But he resists getting any feedback from anyone: “Feedback?”- he says – “Anyone knows better tha I how I should write my book? No way!” Success at writing a best-seller Just like my friend, so millions of people fantasize about writing and publishing a best-seller. Some even quit their job in order to devote themselves to writing, hoping that when and if their book will sell they will become reach and famous.
NO ONE HAS EVER PROMISSED YOU A ROSE GARDEN No one has ever said relationships are easy. Neither with a “soul-mate” nor with “loved-ones”. Arguments, disagreements and conflicts always exist. They are part of the relationship. THE MEANING OF “COMPLICATED”
Introduction Single mothers who wish to find a partner with whom to develop a serious and successful relationship need to be aware of their expectations and needs and share these with the prospective partner. If he will do likewise they increase the likelihood of becoming able to develop and nurture a satisfying intimacy. **
INTRODUCTION Your anxiety often harms your attempts at relationships. It works against you as you try to find a partner and develop a successful intimacy. It drives you to react and behave in ways which are counter-productive to a successful relationship. Combating your anxiety enables you to become empowered and selective about the people you choose to go out with and the relationships you wish to develop. YOUR ANXIETY HARMS YOUR ATTEMPTS AT HAVING A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
There are those who, in order to feel happy in their relationship, deny and reject all “negative feelings” which have to do with what they don’t like about their bond. But the only way to “be there” in the relationship, to experience it, enjoy it and grow with it (and with your partner) is to see things as they are, acknowledge and accept them.
It always saddens me to see how singles who are UNSUCCESSFUL in their relationships sabotage themselves. Being EAGER to have a partner, they often they jump to have a relationship with whoever asks them out. Not only that, but they often tend to stay in the relationship – even though it might not be a satisfying one – until they are being left. Often, after a short while, they jump right into a new relationship, once again with someone who “began” with them.
INTRODUCTION Thanksgiving is a perfect holiday to begin your process of Self-Awareness, learn how to succeed with relationships, and thank yourself for having the courage to doing so. You can attain self-growth each time you go on a date or start a relationship. It is a matter of willing to learn from your experiences, being open to observe yourself and understand your attitudes, reactions and behaviors with your date or partner. THANKSGIVING, LIKE OTHER HOLIDAYS, IS A PERFECT TIME TO LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF AND RELATIONSHIPS
In the following 17 tips I explai HOW BECOMING SELF-AWARE ENABLES YOU TO DEVELOP AND MAINTAIN A SUCCESSFUL INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. I show how becoming aware of factors which control you and affect the ways in which you react and behave in dating and relationships is essential to learning how to change whatever needs change and become empowered to develop a successful relationship. 1. WHAT IS SELF-AWARENESS?
Introduction The decision to keep failing in your relationships and suffer the painful consequences, or get up the courage to acknowledge what makes you fail and become able to eventually have the relationship you so much desire is yours, and yours alone! **r
WHAT IS SELF-AWARENESS? Self-Awareness is a process by which you get to know yourself better. You can then understand what controls your attitudes, thinking, reactions and behaviors and drive you to sabotage your relationships. As you attai Self-Awareness you can realize the factors that exert power over you, de-activate their power and stop harming your relationships. Developing Self-awareness enables you to become conscious to the following 8 factors:
You might have heard the following from your friend: “Have I known it ahead of time, I wouldn’t even begun going out with him” . The question is: was it possible for her to know it ahead of time? And the answer is: it depends. It depends on signs and hints she might have noticed. On her intuition. And on her prior experiences. The problem is that there are those who never learn. Neither from mistakes nor from experiences.
If you find yourself in unsatisfying relationships over and over again, or without a partner, the reason might well be that you sabotage yourself without even knowing that you do. One way might be, to project onto your partner traits, emotions and behaviors you deny in yourself. When these are being expressed in the relationship and cause conflicts, arguments and anger, you blame your partner for possessing these and refuse to take responsibility.r
It is very likely that you have a friend who always “falls” for the wrong guy. Everybody sees it, except her. You feel sorry for her; you wish you can help her. You even try to show her the “facts”, explain to her how she hurts herself; “predict” the miserable future she’ll have. After all, she has been falling for the wrong man time and again… But all in vain: she is sure that “this time it won’t happen!”; that “you don’t know what you’re talking about”; that “you don’t know him at all”; that “I feel hurt that you don’t trust my judgement”, and so on and so forth.
As long as you don’t change whatever it is that you need to change regarding your attitudes about relationships and/or your behaviors with your partners, you will probably end up with similar problems with new partners. The reason being – you always bring yourself into the new relationship. This might sound odd, but the fact is, that you always carry yourself into the new relationship, don’t you?
Staying in an unsatisfying relationship might be driven by many fears, one of which is THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.You convince yourself that it is better to have a partner and be in a relationship, albeit not a satisfying one, rather than being alone. The problem is that you the give up on your quality of life and hinders any possibility of finding a better intimacy. EXCUSES AND RATIONALIZATIONS TO STAYING IN AN UNSATISFYING RELATIONSHIP When you stay in such an unsatisfying relationship and are afraid to make a change, you look for excuses and rationalizations to justify yourself: