How To Bring Spirituality Into Your Personal Relationships

When it comes to spirituality and our personal relationships, common themes will emerge. Whether we are discussing a marriage, a work relationship, or the relationship between a stranger and ourselves, the themes of acceptance, control, respect, and “it takes two” will emerge over and over again.

The first component to bringing more spirituality to your relationships is acceptance. In remembering that we are all one within spiritual energy, we also remember that we are each individual expressions of that oneness. Just as a glass of water drawn from the ocean is an individual expression of ocean, so too are we individual expressions of spiritual energy. In keeping with that analogy, if a second glass of water is drawn from the ocean, it too is an individual expression of ocean. However, that second glass of water is different from the first. Each glass can have different amounts of water, different concentrations of salt, sand, oxygen, and they can have different colors. This does not mean that one is better than the other. It means that while they are different, they are still from the same source.

This analogy is a great example of all of us. Not one of us is better than the other. We are different expressions of spiritual energy. The rich person is no better or worse than the poor person. The person that thinks one way is no better or worse than the person that thinks another. The person that worships through one religion is no better or worse than the person that worships through another. The darker skinned person is no better or worse than the lighter skinned person. Everything is an individual expression of spiritual energy. In that way, how can one thing be more precious than another?

The concept of acceptance is found in understanding that we are at one with everything else. The person that is richer or poorer than we are is one with us. We are they and they are we. Through our acceptance of them as a different expression of the same energy, we also accept ourselves. Through our judgment and lack of acceptance of them, we have judged and chose not to accept ourselves.

When we accept another and understand that they are fine just as they are, we begin to see the other as a soul, and not as someone we should be prepared to defend ourselves against. We see them as an opportunity for unification, and not an opportunity for competition. We see them as a different expression, not as a right or wrong expression. We see them as someone to understand, and not as someone to fight. They are doing the best they can with what they have, just as we are. We see them as we see ourselves.

The next component of spirituality in relationships is control. There is no such thing as controlling another individual. It is not possible. Whether you use fear, intimidation, guilt, physical aggression, or any other tool you choose, you cannot control the actions of another. We can present or create what will appear to that individual to be the positive or negative consequences that will result from their decisions, but their decisions remain theirs alone.

Many of us spend our lives trying to control other people. We want control over the major decisions in our marriages, control over what we do or do not do as a part of a group of friends, what our children do and say, how our employees go about their jobs, and how our customers treat us. We have no control over any of it.

All you truthfully have control over is how you respond to the people in the various areas of your life. No one has to do anything and nothing has to be a certain way. You have an influence in people based on their level of respect of you, your ability to address their needs, or through your ability to present the benefits that others will enjoy if they do as you ask. They still have the ability to say no. All you’ve done is present them with enough materials to show how what you suggest increases pleasure or reduces pain.

The other area you have control over is how you respond to the situations in the various areas of your life. Whatever situation you are in right now is what it is. You cannot change it. Right now, it is the way it is and that is that. There is no use dwelling on the fact that you wanted a different outcome. You are where you are. Anything less than accepting this fact is a waste of thought, energy, and time. All you control at this time is the decision you will make about how to deal with this situation. You cannot control where the situation is, but you can control what you do about it in hopes that your new decision will create new results that are in line with the outcome you seek. Even then, the results are not guaranteed. We have no control over the results, but we can influence them through our complete and thorough review and understanding of the problem, the potential solutions, and the implementation of the solution that fits best.

Respect is the next component of spirituality in all relationships. Most of us live our lives either respecting people because of the success they’ve had in their lives, because of what they can or cannot do for us, or because of what they’ve done for us in the past. This type of respect is conditional, however. It is based on the other person “earning” your respect. If the conditions that created the respect change, you suddenly take away that respect.

This is especially relevant when you see how many people treat others around them. You ignore the homeless person asking for a quarter. When you see a person having a heart attack on the street, many pedestrians watch or walk by indifferently. Some very financially wealthy individuals poorly treat those serving them in restaurants or other service industries. You see this as a boss may manage a staff of employees through fear and intimidation.

True respect has nothing to do with condition. Regardless of where someone is on their life path, you must begin to understand that you and he or she are one. You are a part of the same spiritual energy. You are different representations of the same energy. Therefore, to walk by a person having a heart attack is to also ignore the suffering you yourself are experiencing. Even if you are not completely at the point where you can see this very significant spiritual principle, you can still see that a fellow human being needs help and help them. You can see that if you were in the same situation that you would want someone to come to your aid. You can imagine the fear and the pain you would be experiencing and how the kindness of one stranger could make the difference in your ability to continue living in the physical plane.

When you can begin to look at situations from the other person’s perspective, you can see that they are no different than you. They want the same things, they feel the same things, and they have the same types of relationships as you do. The difference between you and them is that you’ve simply made different decisions in your life. You express spiritual energy differently. That is it. Respect at this level isn’t something that is scalable. It’s not something that you give more to one person than you do another. It is there, simply because they exist.

When you can begin to truly understand this principle, you will treat the janitor with the same respect that you treat the corporate executive. You will treat your waitress or waiter with the same respect as an actor or actress. You will be as eager to help someone that cannot help themselves in that moment as you are to help someone that you think will help you later. By seeing things from the other’s point of view, or by seeing the other as yourself, you will be able to respect people in the truest sense.

Lastly, the concept of “it takes two” in relationships is paramount. A relationship between people consists of two people at a minimum. One person is not more or less responsible for the relationship than the other. Both individuals are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, and expression of that relationship. Likewise, if just one person decides that the relation is terminated, there is nothing the other can do to force the relationship to continue.

“It takes two” is important because we very often either put the pressure for the relationship squarely on our own shoulders or on our partners shoulders. We believe that the relationship should be 50/50, 60/40 or 70/30, but spiritually based relationships are 100/100. If you believe that your partner should carry more of the responsibility than yourself or vise versa, you will eventually run into problems.

Also, if one person in the relationship decides that it is no longer to be, then the relationship has changed or has ended. We must realize this point. One person for any reason whatsoever can decide that’s its over, and its over. Many people spend years in a relationship that they no longer want to be in. They believe that they are sparing the feelings of their partner by “hanging in there” half-heartedly. If they knew the relationship was going to continue, then that may make sense. However, once you decide its over, that decision will be expressed in everything that you do and say. Rather than helping by hanging in there, you begin hurting your partner or vice versa through “getting even,” making sure they do their part, or by nitpicking at everything that they do.

If your partner decides that the relationship is over, there is nothing you can do to change that. Remember that you do not control another person. You can influence their decision, but you cannot decide it for them. Therefore, once you’ve said all there is to say, and done all there is to be done, if your partner believes it is over, your next best step is to accept it and make a new decision about how you will relate to one another to move on from there.

The best way to fully participate in your relationships is to love (the verb) your partner at all times. Even when dealing with the biggest problems, love them through it. Loving them through it means understanding, listening, supporting, and accepting them as they are. Instead, when there is a big problem, we spend all of our time defending ourselves, forcing our points, holding back love and attention, or by making ourselves unavailable.

Next, let go of all attempts to control your partner. When you understand that you cannot control them, and that the use of intimidation, any variation of threats, withholding, and guilt is not love at all, you begin to naturally see things from your partner’s perspective. The relationship is a unit. This is where two join together as one. To do so, you must begin to see things through the others eyes, and present new ideas in the way your partner can best understand them.

Lastly, you must take responsibility for your relationship. It is after all, your relationship. You must take responsibility for what you say, what you do, the commitments you make, and how you handle yourself during stressful times. Many people treat their co-workers, bosses and customers better than they treat the person they are in a love relationship with. Doing so doesn’t make you wrong, but you should be aware of where your priorities are as compared to what you say your priorities are.