The Secret to Freeing Your Inner Child

It is said that we all have what is known as an inner child. Our inner child is said to be the purest part of us that desires solely to love and be loved. It is the “spirit” or “feeling” part of us. It is also the playful part of us. It is said that in relationship to our inner child, we have three parts: the inner child, the adult, and the benevolent observer. The adult part of us pays the bills and sets the alarm clock to wake up in the morning. The adult grounds out the child’s energy and redirects it. This means that the adult relates to the child, acknowledges the child, and nourishes the child. In a balanced relationship the adult becomes the parent the child most likely never had. (This is not about judging or condemning real parents; this is about taking full accountability for our feelings, our needs, and ourselves.) In contrast to the adult, the benevolent observer acts as a witness to life’s happenings without attachment or judgment, as if it were observing someone else.

Many people have lived with a wounded inner child since childhood. We were taught by society and our parents that is it not okay to express our feelings or even to experience them. Can you relate to this? How many times have you felt sadness, anger, or any other negative emotion and then beat yourself up for even feeling it? How many times have you invalidated yourself for feeling somewhat emotional? This is really what your inner little girl or boy is feeling inside. It is your child that feels emotions.

Many people’s emotions are to some degree stifled or repressed. We are simply taught by our parents or other significant adults to push them down, ignore them, and “put on a good front” when inside, there is deep turmoil. We learned to do that by being condemned and criticized—usually by someone else—for having feelings, and now many of us continue that same behavior to our own selves. This is often unconscious. It is a learned habit. Did you ever hear “stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about” as a child? Even if the threat was not in those exact words, can you feel the energy behind it? The energy of anger and frustration? The energy of dissatisfaction? In that very moment of being told to stop crying, you literally learned that it is not okay to express your emotions. This is often reinforced over and over throughout childhood. It takes only one initial demonstration by anyone to learn a belief or habit before the age of seven.

Emotional energy is actually very simple, and it is a natural part of being human. We are meant to be able to express our emotions. It is absolutely impossible to bottle up our feelings and expect that they will just disappear. It is extremely unrealistic; it is not the way the body works. Imagine a volcano or a wave. There is pressure building and building in both situations. At some point, the pressure peaks and goes through a process of release. The volcano erupts, and the wave crashes. Soon after, in both cases, there is a settling that happens.

Human emotions are the same way. Emotions are energy in motion. If you are not used to expressing your emotions, it is understandable that doing so would feel scary. Acknowledge that you feel scared. You are already doing it. That acknowledgment was an expression! In the past, I worried that if tapped into negative emotions, I would not be able to control myself, and the experience would be never ending. In other words, I felt that if I started to connect with my wounded inner child, I would be devastated all over again.

The key to healing your inner child and gaining a rich, emotional connection with yourself is to first start to connect with your child. You want to practice connecting just as you would with a “real” child that has been through trauma in its life and needs acceptance and nurturing. How would you talk to the child?

You could start by asking, “How do you feel?” Maybe you could also use an endearing nickname for your inner child to help with the connection. See if you can let go of any expectations and allow yourself to be real with your own self. You can elaborate more . . . your child may be ready and available, or withdrawn, sad, or angry. You may have to ask specific questions such as “are you feeling sad?” It is normal that at first, your child may not trust your adult enough to be vulnerable with his or her feelings. This is very understandable. Many “inner children” have a history of devastation and trauma and have learned to believe that their feelings are not important. It can be very challenging when they are asked to express those feelings.

You can ask yourself, “What does my child need from me to feel content and happy?” The healing really starts when the child has the experience of being heard. When you give your child total permission to be heard about anything and everything he or she did not get to express in childhood, major internal shifts will take place. Everyone wants to be heard and acknowledged for who he or she is. This is acceptance. This is healing. Once you can hear and acknowledge your own self for who you are, you will be capable of empathy, of acknowledging and accepting others for who they really are.

Let me give you an example. My client Yolanda never felt heard as a child, and she learned as a child that she was not good enough, that life is hard, and that her feelings were not important. She frequently felt angry that her mother would never be the mother she wanted her to be. As Yolanda started to connect with her little girl, she started feeling more powerful. Yolanda started to realize that she could be the mother she always wanted for herself by being heard by her own self and accepting that her needs are valid.

Start connecting with your little boy or girl energy! What are your favorite things to do? How do you enjoy playing in your life? Does your child like going to the beach, being outside, going to the spa, going to parties, playing sports, reading? What activities bring out passion and joy in you? That is your inner child, the “spirit” part of you that is timeless and is love! Use your favorite things to help you connect with your child. This is a process. It takes time to be vulnerable with yourself. But the more you do it, the more joyful your life will be! There is no replacement for you in the universe; there is no one quite like you. You are authentic. We all want to be deeply connected to.

** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html