5 Surprising ways to Improve any Relationship for the next 12 months!

Do you find that your relationship with certain folks is in a holding pattern or has subtly degraded, and no matter what you do, interactions keep heading toward the Vortex of Nebula?
Look at this list and see if any of these describe the sort of change or changes you've sensed within the last twelve months among any of those in your circle – friends, family, spouse, children, colleagues, team members, subordinates, superiors, partners, acquaintances, etc.

a. Some don't call as much as they once did.
b. Others have stopped discussing certain topics or feelings with you.
c. One has dropped you from the A-list of decision-makers and brainstormers.
d. A few have much shorter conversations about certain topics than they used to.
e. One or more abruptly change a topic when you appear.

In many cases, these are symptomatic of a lack of finesse with a communication skill that approximately 90% of the American population is never taught. That is the skill of effective listening.

Fundamentally, effective listening is the skill and willingness to pay attention to the speaker until s/he has finished, and then to respond in a manner that promotes the initial topic of discussion.

Because the majority of us are not taught how to develop good listening practices – let alone how to make habits of them – many of us exhibit poor listening characteristics. For instance, we may change the topic abruptly, provoke the speaker, or discount the topic…or the speaker by non-delineating the two when we respond. In many cases, it’s not intentional; however, poor listening traits, over time, can undermine any relationship. Yours may be a victim of this.

Do this: Walk back through some of your conversations in the last three months or so with family, friends, colleagues, subordinates, teammates, superiors, or those you would like to bring into your circle. Did you do one or more of these during more than less of those exchanges? And, do you still?

1. Interrupt the speaker
2. Change the topic
3. Interrogate the speaker
4. Condescend the topic or speaker
5. Give advice when none was asked for

Acts such as these are symptomatic of poor listening habits, and over time they can chip away at the measure of a relationship’s openness, trust, respect, collaboration, and comfort in ways that can be remarkably obscure.

Why is this particular breakdown so remarkably obscure?

“…people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

We react to what we feel. What we feel may be a result of somebody else’s poor listening habits, but once we feel negatively about something, our reaction can be both pervasive and insidious. We rarely analyze a situation to the marrow and conclude that we may be actually reacting to somebody’s poor listening skills.

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” – Denis Waitley

So we build bricks, and if a certain situation results in our feeling the same way again, we will build another brick. Over time, if nothing changes, we have built so many bricks that we have effectively fortressed ourselves from the offensive situation.

In this case, that situation may be nothing more than someone else’s bad listening skills. During verbal exchanges, unfortunately, poor listening skills can be strongly disguised as character flaws like rude, disrespectful, insincere, belittling, overbearing, thoughtless, or arrogant. These are just some of the impressions that poor listening skills give.

Worse than the fortress being built and the often mistaken impression is that very few of us are able to say, “You have poor listening habits and it makes me feel like….", because we may be reacting to the symptom, not the problem.

Instead, most of us say, “You’re not listening to me…!” and then, frequently, the other person becomes defensive by responding with, “I am listening to you!” And the original topic becomes compromised, if not utterly derailed.

So those in our circle of friends and family just start doing one or more of the things, a.) through e.), in the list above, while we continue to do one or more of those things, 1 through 5, in the list below that.

And here we are, twelve months later, wondering what happened!

What to do to get those relationships back where you want them, improve others, and better ensure that this scenario is not part of the next twelve months?

Starting now, during conversations:
• Let others dominate the discussion. Site back, relax, and take it all in.
• Pay attention to what is being said, all of it.
• Do not interrupt. Instead, smile and breathe...a lot.
• Use open-ended questions and probing statements
• Give no advice unless specifically asked for it

Make these your listening habits and be amazed at the positive change in all your relationships now and all through the next twelve months!

Copyright (c) 2010 Leadev Center for Self-Mastery. All rights reserved.