The Trap of Mediocrity

Have you ever found yourself doing the same things day after day and you begin to wonder, “Is this all there is to my life?” If you remember the movie, Groundhog Day, you get the picture. Also known as living in the comfort zone, this place can be seductive for all of us. We are often very comfortable, of course and that can have us reacting and responding to our partners in automatic, habitual ways. This is far from sexy!

We are meant to live in our zone of genius and when the comfort zone gets boring and downright uncomfortable that is actually a time for celebration.

There is absolutely no growth in the comfort zone and relationships will not change for the better when we continue doing the same old things.

We know this in our conscious mind yet it’s the sub-conscious mind that is in charge of our automatic, habitual ways. Once we realize this and welcome some discomfort, things begin to change.

We speak with countless couples that say they got bored and they wanted to create something new and exciting while their partner wanted to keep things the same. Once both partners begin to understand that truly nothing stays the same, that change can be exhilarating and not the scary monster they have dreamed up in their head, they often begin to embrace doing something new.

There is scientific evidence that we are not the same so why would we want to believe that we should do habitual things and just rinse and repeat our lives? Our bodies are changing and new cells and organs are being replaced and regenerated regularly.

“Although people may think of their body as a fairly permanent structure, most of it is in a state of constant flux as old cells are discarded and new ones generated in their place. Each kind of tissue has its own turnover time, depending in part on the workload endured by its cells. The cells lining the stomach, as mentioned, last only five days. The red blood cells, bruised and battered after traveling nearly 1,000 miles through the maze of the body's circulatory system, last only 120 days or so on average before being dispatched to their graveyard in the spleen……” New York Times, Science section, 2005

The next concept we focus on has to do with the conflicts couples inherently experience. We celebrate them and talk about nothing going wrong when they see this as a sign that their realtioship is doomed.

We believe that the conflicts inherent in the relationship are the building blocks to transformation if people are open to stepping out and exploring their differences.

Sometimes it takes a “wake-up” call to kick us out of mediocrity. In working with couples, we share that the conflicts that begin to surface when one partner (or both) gets bored, frustrated or angry are cause for celebration because nothing is going wrong. Couples often look at conflicts as problems to solve as quickly as possible, yet what if they were seen as building blocks to a transformed relationship? We might welcome them and yes, celebrate them! We might get curious and want to understand our partner more.

Here is an equation to a transformed relationship:

DESIRE + DECISION + CLEAR VISION + AWARENESS X ACTION= RESULTS

Notice that action is the multiplying factor and that without action nothing changes.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you know that you desire more in your relationship:

* Where do I stay in the comfort zone in my intimate relationship?
* How is it impacting me?
* How is it impacting my partner?
* Am I willing to make a change?
* What am I willing to consider doing differently to step out of my comfort zone?
* Am I willing to explore the idea that nothing is going wrong?
* Am I willing to explore our differences?
* Can I keep an open mind to the possibility of a transformed relationship?