Love... Loss... Grief

Grief through the eyes of kids
By: Yvonne Butler Clark, M.A.

How do we talk to kids about grief? Our kids today are bombarded with loss and separation. The death of parent, sibling, or friend, separation from a parent in the military, grandparent parenting, foster care and/or incarceration. Telling a child about the death or separation of a loved one is the beginning rather than the end of a long process of sharing. Children will have many questions and parents, caregivers, teachers and religious leader will be able to readily answer some of them; some of their questions will be discussed but not answered.

The most frequently asked questions about kids and grief are, should children attend a funeral? A funeral is a celebration of the life of the deceased, definitely – if a child wants to go to the funeral they should be allow to attend equipped with an age appropriate, detailed explanation of the order of the funeral service. Help the child understand what a funeral or memory service is and the purpose of it.
Step one tell the child what to expect, the size of the room, the fact that there may be a lot of flowers, how and where everyone will be sitting, the possibility of out pouring of emotions, where the casket will be and if it will be open or closed.
Whether they’re preschoolers or teenagers, timid or self-possessed, the young person should be carefully instructed on what they will be seeing. Adults have the role of providing emotional support, but the child should make the decision whether to go to the funeral or not. With the understanding that it’s ok if they change their mind and decides not to attend the funeral or need to leave the church before the service is over.

Tears and sadness is neither a sign of weakness nor lack of faith; it is the price one pays for love. Should a seventeen-year male show emotion by crying? Tears are a normal expression of sadness. It is a natural part of grief, and tears help relieve stress. All children grieve on different cognitive and emotional developmental levels. The duration and intensity of grief are unique for each individual. A child younger than four can sense that something is wrong as they experience the grief of their parent or primary caregiver. The absence of the mother may cause a clear biological reaction. The seven or eight year old grief may indicate fears of their own death; death is seen as an “attacker” who takes life.

What can adults do to help grieving children and adolescents? That is a good question; a better question is what do grieving children and adolescents need from adults? Give the child or adolescent plenty of time to mourn. It is fine to say nothing at all. Providing a warm silence encourages the child to do the talking. Support the young person to express their feelings of anger, confusion and sadness. If a child were to say I’m hungry, we would not say don’t be hungry. Instead we would ask them when was the last time they ate? What do they want to eat? We would acknowledge their hungry while working through the process to decide if they need a snack or meal. Allow the child to talk out the various emotions they may be feeling. Show that we believe it is alright to feel anger, sorrow, loneliness, and fear and that we will be glad to listen to and talk about each concern as it arises. Validate what the child is feeling. Healthy resolution of grief is validating a child’s feelings and helping establish acceptable and proper coping skills, strategies and techniques.

If it is an adult that is grieving also, they should share their own feelings. Communal sorrow reduces isolation. Help the child understand that that physical death, in itself does not hurt. The family is crying because they hurt inside. The sadness comes from the fact, that a relationship that meant much to everyone has been lost. Parents, caregivers can help children and adolescents establish appropriate expressions and outlets for grief.

The pain of grief lessens over time, but it’s impossible to eradicate it. Grief resolution is not about forgetting, letting go or moving on; rather it is about learning to remember their loved one in a new way.

Yvonne Butler Clark
Founder/Director
It's Okay to Cry, Inc.
4706 Brownstone Lane
Houston, TX 77053
713 433-6059
www.itsokaytocry.org

If a child is old enough to love...
they are old enough to grieve.