Mindfulness and Single Parenting

You may be a single parent by choice, divorced, widowed, never married or thinking about what parenting would be like without a partner. Whatever your situation may be, my desire is to bring a column to you that is a sacred space to share your feelings, be acknowledged, and become part of a community of single parents 14 million strong and growing in the United States.

As a psychotherapist and life coach, as well as a single mother for over twenty three years, I believe the road to becoming an empowered single parent has always been inside of you and is just waiting to be realized. I am looking forward to our journey together.

Many of the single parents who enter my office are often overwhelmed, stressed out, guilt-ridden, and full of angst. Mindfulness single parenting allows you to parent in the moment in a non-judgmental way on purpose with grace, wisdom, and compassion for yourself and your children. Guilt melts away into un-conditional acceptance that your are doing the best you can. Becoming reactive when your child misbehaves is replaced with seeing clearly what is really going on underneath the surface of your child’s acting out. You become more attuned with what your child is truly feeling.

By parenting consciously and looking at your child’s point of view, you let go of your own agenda. You begin to see that sometimes your children’s behavior could be a manifestation of feeling different. Instead of labeling yourself as “less than” because you are a single parent, you surrender to the loss without trying to fix or enable your child’s discomfort so that you can run away from the pain. You face the truth with your child head on with self love and empathy. You cultivate an acceptance of what you and your child are experiencing right now in the present moment.

Mindfulness gives you a break from faulty beliefs, thoughts, and anxieties giving rise instead to a profound self awareness of the truth. For example, you realize everything doesn’t have to be “perfect”. The house doesn’t have to be in perfect order. You begin to see that you may not always be single if finding a partner again is ultimately what you want. You stop being a victim of your circumstances and begin to see things for the way they really are.

Mindfulness always allows you the opportunity to start over again. This is the concept of “beginners mind” and can be useful when you feel you have betrayed your children in some way. You can apologize and let them know you acknowledge their point of view. You get to experience a Buddha moment by apologizing to them purposefully teaching them lessons along the way that we are only humans doing the best we can.

Another concept known in mindfulness is impermanence and nothing stays the same. We anesthetize the pain of single parenting sometimes with serial dating, addictions, or other compulsive behavior in a desperate attempt to fill the void. Instead, we can let go of our fears whether it is about financial insecurity or feeling we will be alone forever and realize our situation can change at any time. Even when you are uncertain about what the future holds and are living in the unknown, there are endless possibilities awaiting you, especially when you least expect it.

Another gift from mindfulness is having gratitude for what we already have. There is no need any more to avoid the pain with “stuff” or overcompensating our children with more material things than they need. Instead we accept our family for what it is and for what we already have with profound appreciation knowing we have exactly what we need in this very moment.
Finally, mindfulness reminds us to not only show compassion for our children but to all human beings. We have the opportunity to teach our kids deep respect for the people they know, but even those they don’t know in a non-judgmental way encouraging them to be more tolerant of themselves and others.

MINDFULNESS TIPS
1. Be optimistic and non judgmental of your situation; it creates good karma for future happiness.
2. React to your children mindfully, rather than unconsciously. This brings more wisdom and insight to your parenting skills.
3. Let go of your own agenda and accept your children for who they are.
4. Let go of the end result but instead enjoy the process of single parenting.
5. Teach your children to be tolerant of others and tolerant of their single parent family.