Relationships Don't Have to Be Hard

Do you ever feel like relationships are 2 parts game, 1 part luck? Or maybe you are at the point where it feels like ALL game to you…and you’re all gamed out? Maybe you just wish it could be like in the movies, a little: boy meets girl, some witty banter, your souls become one, you get married and live happily ever after. Or a more modern version: you meet in re-hab, you have both seen the light, you put your pasts behind you, your souls become one, you get pregnant, move in together, get married, then divorced, but are still really good friends and live semi-happily ever after because your new girlfriend likes your kid and your ex has a better job than you so she didn’t sue for alimony? Or maybe you just suck at relationships and figure this is as good as it gets.

And have you noticed that everyone who has ever been in a relationship is suddenly a relationship expert, coach or guru du jour? Poised and ready to pounce on your temporary lack of clarity or latest relationship disaster, ready to tell you how to get your game back, TODAY, or, if not, for sure in a few weeks! Yeah, ‘cause that’s realistic, right? Rome was built in a day and God created the heavens and earth in what…7 days, right? So…anything’s possible!

I guess it depends on what your idea of a great relationship is:
A) Better than my last one
B) Someone who completes me
C) Right now, just someone (I really don’t want to be alone)

Hmmm. Like this, you’re most likely, according to statistics, to get into a relationship that will ultimately be just like your last one. Another boy meets girl, they get hot for each other, lay on the seduction routine, spend the next three months to ten years finding out who each other really is and then end the relationship, at minimum terribly disappointed or feeling completely ripped off! In case you didn’t know, there is an alternative to the ever-popular collective urge-to-merge nightmare.

Like so many of us, I had gone from one relationship to another, measuring my growth each time in terms of things like: Well, this one’s not an alcoholic, or at least this one’s not a sexual deviant, or whew! this one doesn’t do drugs, or at least he’s loyal, or not addicted to porn—and on the rationalizations went until finally I decided there had to be another way. And I jumped ship; the scenic route to relationship enlightenment was about killing me. The first few lessons I learned set in motion a body of work that I live and teach to this day!

First: I decided that chemistry is an indicator of…chemistry and THAT’S all. That’s where Darwin and I parted ways; I was going with the theory that the rest of our brain is there for a reason. Therefore I was determined to use it, rather than fall prey to the old brain story that a penis has a mind of its own, yadda yadda, etc., etc. Yeah, I did the math on that and noticed I almost always lost when I made decisions based solely on chemistry—NEXT!

Second: Oh, Dr. Phil will love this. Yes, Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us. So I got responsible. I went a step further and found physics laws to substantiate the fact, added some neural loop studies to support how to undo or override our early programming, and a few basic Buddhist principles, and birthed my unique recipe for becoming and remaining internally focused, which is the foundation of my daily SHOMI© Method practice. Part of my 7 Essential Truths™, How to Wake up and Stay Awake program.

And third: I sought and found the one thing I had searched for, longed for my entire adult life—a great relationship with myself. Like so many, I had believed (or hoped) that when I found my soulmate I would live happily ever after. Until I realized that my soulmate was me. And that’s when my life changed forever!

Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but having a GREAT relationship involves NO TRICKS, NO GIMMICKS. Rather, generally speaking, it involves: feeling and healing copious amounts of historical pain (some of which you may have currently blocked out); knowing who you are and what you want; possessing effective communication skills and a large amount of discernment; having a daily self-care practice; and, oh yeah, the ability to give yourself everything you want from another person. (You need a real track record of doing all this VS simply having good intentions of all of the above). These skills, by the way, are fundamental to your relationship tool belt.

What I have learned after 28 years on a path of self-discovery and over 25 years working in the personal development industry is that there is a dream that some folks get lucky, the right one comes along and, yes, they live happily ever after. (I have met, uh, no one that falls into this category.) For most of us, if we want the good stuff (and I certainly did) it was about getting real, then realistic and figuring out a plan for how I was going to be successful in this area of my life. I mean, come on—most of go to school for years preparing ourselves to go out and be successful at whatever we want to be successful at, and even then, it escapes so many of us. Imagine trying to run a business without a plan! Can you? Is it a great idea? Not really! 98% of most new business fail within the first 5 years. Mostly because having a good idea is not enough, just like chemistry is not enough or thinking someone is hot, or sexy or looks good or is nice—it’s just not enough to create and maintain a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship! So, what is enough? Honestly, I always say, it takes everything you’ve got! Did for me. And it’s been worth it!

That’s why my husband and I created CORR©, Certificate of Responsible Relationship. We realized that there were, at minimum, six skills we used daily (and still do) that made (and still makes) our relationship GREAT, and turned them into part of a program that would help people attract and create healthy, fulfilling sustainable relationships!

People kept asking us, are you guys for real? And I said, “Like I always say; Great relationships begin within!”