A Lesson to Myself

All around me people are forging ahead with life, working marrying, having children - their children marrying, having children ..........

"Are there lessons to be learned? Are there tangible rewards?"

I don’t have the answers but I do know I’m not where I want to be, not a chance! By now,I should be enjoying the fruits of my labour and my loins - alas, labour’s fruits keep vanishing, picked by others who don’t give a damn if these fruits are theirs for the picking or not. The loins - well, it never happened.

OK, so I feel envy - Somebody Up There must have known from day one that I was a lost cause, never to accept life’s little jokes, never satisfied, always wanting, wanting,wanting!!

Well. I still want! I want to hold hands with a wonderful person, to take walks in the park, to experience the warm glow of anticipation of things to come for me, for us.

Was it Frank Sinatra who said, “I pick myself up, dust myself off......?

Where am I going to find the patience to shake off that dust that seems to cling so ferociously? Starting over again becomes more and more difficult, the will to look ahead weakens, the need to depend on another person more desirable and more urgent.

What I have at present is a company that is sinking fast, enough debt and debtors to give me insomnia and heartburn, dogs, family and friends ... that it.

"That’s it? I think not! Look at what you have - you have your health, your sense of humour, your mind, your intellect. You enjoy the smell of icy grass warming and softening as the early morning sun crosses the lawn; what about the triumphant tweeting of the lone bird - he certainly must have caught the worm; don’t you love the moon shining in the black velvet sky, the stars shimmering and wavering?

"That is what makes life worth living - the constant miracles that we seem to take for granted. There are glorious sunsets to enjoy, with their vivid shades of oranges and pinks melting into the softness of the darkening sky.

What could be more awesome than the giant waves throwing themselves onto the unrelenting grey rocks, desperate to make an impression on their implacable faces? The waves dissipate, frothy water rushing up to meet the beach, crackling and bubbling, sinking into the soft white sand then flowing away taking with it anything that stands in its way. A crab, an old tennis shoe, driftwood, bluebottles, all get washed out to sea by a mighty force.

All this is for you to experience, to see and feel, it costs nothing, it is there, always,forever."

I remember someone saying - beware of wishes, they might come true.

So what do I wish for? On the spur of the moment I might wish to win the lottery, to live on an island in the Mediterranean, to have the perfect body ....

However, if I take time to think about it, I wish for entirely different things - I wish for happiness, contentment; for vision; for wisdom; for fortitude to help me say goodbye when loved ones die, when my animals finally go; for appreciation of life. And most importantly, I wish to have no regrets for things I have done or said, or left undone and unsaid.

Do wishes come true?

Wishes, no, actions, yes.

I will live each day as though it is my last, I shall look in wonder at the ant, formidable in his strength, I shall love and cherish my family, friends, pets, I shall gaze at the mountain, I will laugh more, I will think of all the regrets I do have, dump all those thoughts into an imaginary bag, tie the bag and release it into the breeze. Hopefully it will float right out of my sight.

Will this be hard to do? "Certainly."

Can I do it? "Definitely."

What alternatives do I have?

Sure, I can be unhappy with my life, I can blame others for my predicament, I can rant and rave at life’s unfairness. Will it help?

How many hours have I wasted in useless indulgences, self-pity, tears, anger? If these emotions could ameliorate the path that I travel on, surely I would do it, but they are just that - useless.

Life will carry on with or without me - at the end of my life do I want to look back in anger and bitterness, or do I want to look back at wonderful memories?

Either way, death will come and empty-handed and naked I will take my leave.

I shall lie on my deathbed looking back on my life - did all my bad moods change my life for the better? No. What about all the tears I shed, all the self-pity - did they change my life?

It’s not easy, by any means, living on this planet - humankind being what it is. En masse, we are so sophisticated - technologically we can do things that our forefathers never dreamed of. Indeed, we don’t have an inkling! Do you understand the principles of genetics? What about relativity? What I do know is that genetics, relativity, science, whatever, has been around since the dawn of time. We have only recently been able to tap into these mysteries and start to unravel them.

This planet of ours, our only planet, is subjected to dreadful inhumanities, the atom bomb, dread diseases, killer viruses, greed, the hunger for power. I certainly hope that the worlds?leaders, the physicists, scientists, biologists will start to wish for the things that I wish for, - vision, wisdom, fortitude, appreciation of life, no regrets for things done or not done to and for humankind.

If we all live each day as though it were our last, a most precious moment, what a wonderful world this would be!

Thanks, Louis Armstrong.