WakeUpLive.com presents: Transforming Family Dynamics into Dynamic Families

My mother’s unexpected death came as a shock. We had spoken only two days before.

“You’re not coming to see me, are you?” she asked.

“No, I can’t afford to fly to New Jersey.”

“I didn’t think so,” she replied.

Since my move to Hawaii, the conversation was always the same. I was overwhelmed with guilt that I wasn’t with her. I wasn’t the dutiful Chinese daughter. Shame engulfed me. The fact that I left home to heal from a life-threatening illness was little comfort.

When she died, the realization hit me with an almost-physical force. The door had closed. I now had no hope of reconciliation.

I plummeted into a prolonged period of grief, something neither my children, Jennifer and Matthew, nor I, expected. We’d been living and working in Hawaii for two years establishing a successful family business. As we were beginning to gel as a unit, everything fell apart!

My mother’s death triggered memories of my troubled marriage. Once again, I suffered bouts of depression, rage and suicidal tendencies. I could barely function. I pushed my children away, while becoming dependent on them, never considering that they, too, were grieving.

We had promised we would be there for each other, but now, I let my children down. Fearful of losing their mother while resentful for having to assume my responsibilities, they shifted into automatic survival mode. They reverted to the time of the divorce, repeating those patterns of behavior.

What everyone thought was a cohesive family was in reality, anything but. Things came to a head when I flew into a rage and grabbed the car keys. Jenn had to physically fight me for them. She was terrified I was going to kill myself. Only then did they finally speak up. I saw what I was doing to them—to our family. My behavior horrified me. I vowed that my children wouldn’t go through what I went through with my mother!

Because of our fierce commitment to work things through, my children stuck by me until I struggled through my grief and regained my faith. We were determined to deal with any unresolved issues we had and come out stronger for it. Now, four years later, by working together as a family, we have done just that. Not only have we found each other, but we’ve discovered our life purpose—to teach organizations, families and individuals what we have learned.

We teach that group behavior is dictated by unconscious family dynamics. Families make us who we are. In family life, we learn both positive and negative social skills. How we relate to each member of our family and our role within the family becomes the template for all future relationships—from friendship to marriage—to work. In essence, we have successfully bridged the Eastern concepts of extended families and spirituality with the Western principles of independence and psychology.

What we have accomplished together is far more powerful than anything we could have done separately. We have successfully maintained our individuality, while being integral members of the family. We have created a loving and supportive environment where none of us feels we have to bear the weight of the world alone. We will always have someone who will love us unconditionally.

And above all, we know we can overcome anything together. It wasn’t until we helped each other work through our individual issues that we consciously transformed our family dynamics into a dynamic family!

*** This article was republished with permission from the best-selling Wake Up...Live the Life You Love book series. To hear more information on this book and the book series, go to http://wakeupteleclass.com/.