Understanding Love

Most of us love the way we love, full stop. We rarely wonder if the way we express it actually is experienced as intended, that is, whether it actually works for our partner or not.

I believe it is important to think about it because this can cause much pain, confusion and resentment.

Like most people I learned to express love from my parents. It was their unshakeable belief that they knew what was best for me and that it was their duty to save me from making mistakes and suffering disappointments. They were also adamant that they knew best how I should live my life. I know it was their intention to make sure I was safe and happy and that, surely, is being loving, isn't it?

The intention may have been loving but their way of expressing it was to try to fix it for me, to try and rescue me and to nag me to do things their way - none of which helped me to learn and grow or even become resilient because we develop resilience by learning from our disappointments and setbacks.

This went on well into my thirties until I finally learned how to express clearly and honestly what worked for me and what didn't. Standing up to one's parents must be one of the most difficult things we can possibly do yet, it is not until we learn to stand up for the right to make our own choices and our own mistakes that we become truly grown up.

Following on my parents' footsteps, when I got married I too became a fixer and a rescuer. I not only took over a lot of the responsibilities that my ex husband could have handled himself but I also kept a lot of my own worries from him believing this to be a loving thing to do. I knew even then on an emotional, not intellectual level, that this was not a successful strategy.

For my part I didn't feel particularly loved either, certainly not appreciated.

That's when Gerry came into my life. Gerry was an old man and he was homeless. He was intelligent, well informed and articulate, and I really enjoyed our conversations. He and I developed some sort of friendship and I really came to care about him. In the beginning I would offer him a cup of tea and some biscuits but he always refused. He'd invariably say "I'm homeless, not a beggar." No matter how often I offered the deal was he'd let me buy him a coffee only if next time he could buy me coffee in return. No ifs, no buts.

Although I gave in I began to notice that I felt resentful. I finally worked out that I liked to see myself as a good person but he wouldn't let me. This reaction is not uncommon. I began to notice that , when people offered him money or coffee or food and he politely refused, they tended to become hostile and aggressive yet he never gave in. He knew what mattered to him.

When I look back on my marriage I now realise that, despite all the evidence, I really regarded myself as a loving and supportive person. But there was plenty of evidence that I was deceiving myself one of which was that my ex was not responding to my way of expressing love. Of course, I didn't make the connection at the time.

There were two other obstacles: one was that he was doing the same to me which means that most of the time neither one of us felt loved and appreciated. The other obstacle was that neither one of us were able to talk about it. And, since I "knew" I was a loving and supportive person, the thought that my way of showing it might not be what he wanted or needed never dawned on me.

Elsewhere I have written another article about love and 'non-love'. In the context of 'Understanding Love', 'non-love' are ways of behaving that we believe are loving but actually are not. Examples include controlling, manipulating, fixing and rescuing, putting down, criticising and nagging - all for their own good, of course. The only thing I succeeded in was that I probably got him to notice that I regarded him as not good enough, that I wanted him to pull himself together and try harder to become what I wanted him to be. No wonder he resisted.

It all sounds very heavy and hopeless. How can you do something about what you are not even aware of?

Here are some ideas:

1. Keep communication lines open. Ask for what you need, for what really matters to you.

2. Have fun together. Couples that laugh together, stay together. It keeps things light and makes it easier to ask for the things that are important to you.

3. Check with your partner occasionally about what matters to him. Don't assume you know.

To me, there is little that is sadder than being loved but not experiencing it. Don't let it get this far.