Awesome Relationships

Awesome Relationships

Many different types of relationships exist and the “rules” are not the same for each. There are relationships on a professional level, a personal level, a familial level and an intimate level. Most of us are involved with and juggling some form of each of these. They all blur together at times and seem to be made from a web of emotions and, well, out right craziness. We have so many ideas of what a relationship is supposed to be that we can easily confuse ourselves.
The definition of relationship offers little or no help in clearing out the chaos of our thoughts. A relationship is defined as the state of interaction between people. This is simply a partnership where each party shares a common journey while living their own individual journey. Obviously, the professional, friendship, familial and intimate levels of relationships all have different journeys, destinations and emotions. The key is to clearly define the boundaries of each.
Having said all that, this article is focused on the intimate relationship. Before you single folks bow out of here, hang tight for a moment and read the rest. This may assist you to begin visioning for your perfect relationship now; in fact, it is wise to do so before jumping into a relationship. You may avoid finding yourself in one that must be tweaked to work into your vision. (Tweaking them to fit doesn’t work anyway.) Focus on the traits of the relationship, the emotions you desire from the relationship and the joy you find while in one. Let these be the foundation for your vision.
Intimate relationships are between two self-empowered individual essences which compliment each other’s personalities and strengths. An essence is you as the perfectly authentic person you have within. Creating a perfect relationship is not about turning two individuals into one. Creating the ideal relationship is creating a new, awesome, amazing, incredible, loving and beautiful essence from the two individuals while allowing each individual’s essence to remain intact.
How awesome would it be to be fully you, partnered with a beautiful significant other who is fully them and together you form an amazing couple. Imagine this for a moment. Together you easily and effortlessly compliment each another, both of you are fully present in the relationship and the world. Imagine this relationship now and know that it is totally possible.
What prevents you from having this type of relationship? Two things top the list…
First is expecting something from the other person they are not able to give. Often times we have our own perception of their potential. What we see is more likely what we want that person to have. We give them our vision to hold as their own glorious potential. The problem is that most times we forget to tell them we gave it to them. We failed to explain to them what potential we saw in them. We assumed they were a mind reader or psychic. They are not. Even though, we expect them to shape shift themselves into this vision we have made up for them and when that does not occur, conflict arises and the relationship falters.
This is where trust issues come into a relationship, as well. If we trust the other person to turn into our vision for them, we are placing our trust in an imaginary place. However, if we trust them to be themselves, we will be trusting in something real.
The second issue is sacrificing our uniqueness to fit into the relationship. It is like forcing a huge hexagonal shaped peg into a tiny little triangular hole.
For many years, society told us that we were to abandon ourselves as we joined into a relationship. We were to leave all that was unique about us behind and bond as a couple having only one view point, one goal, and one life. This leads to becoming a couple with no identity, no uniqueness and no life.
In recent years, the definition of a relationship has begun shifting. While this new definition leans more towards maintaining individuality, we have some deep-seated believes and paradigms about relationships that have been taught to us for a long time. It will take awareness and attention to our behaviors in the relationship to break through these beliefs.
Abandoning ourselves for the sake of someone else’s happiness is the first step towards self-sabotage and the destruction of the relationship. When you first began the partnership with your significant other, you bring your whole self into the union as do they. The foundation is built on the individuals’ personalities, strengths and values. As time goes on, one or both parties begin to cover-up a part of themselves believing this will strengthen the relationship. Ask yourself this; how long would a building stand if piece by piece a chunk of the foundation was removed?
What exactly makes us change? Often times our partner will begin feeling insecure about our individuality. Change occurs in an effort to give strength and stability back to the relationship. Sometimes we go the opposite direction and become stronger to cover for a perceived weakness in our partner. Either way we change because we love them and want them to be all they can be for the health of the relationship. We end up getting the opposite of what we wanted though. Our change allows their insecurity to grow stronger and we will be forced to change something else. A pattern is created and relationship troubles begin brewing. Remember, the above scenarios can go both ways. Sometimes your partner perceives a weakness in you or wants something for you that is not being demonstrated.
Aside from being aware of these potential relationship hazards, here are some keys to successful relationships. These have aided me in fully living a 19 year marriage without ever having an argument, without ever feeling I had to give in to avoid an argument and without ever feeling the marriage was fading. Quite the opposite, I have been happy throughout, I have always felt empowered and I have seen this relationship grow beyond anything I ever expected and it continues to do so today. If you were to ask her, my wife feels the same way. We do not have some special super human abilities and we do not have to work that hard at keeping the relationship growing; we simply live the tools listed below every day.
Prefer to happy rather than right- In order to be right, someone has to be wrong. In a relationship the someone you make wrong is your partner. If someone else was trying to make your partner out to be wrong, would you not jump to their defense? If not, maybe this is not a good relationship for you.
Never expect your partner to be anything they are not- Fully trust and expect your partner to be themselves. Know that they will grow and change as time goes on and that is okay because they are still the person you fell in love with at the core. Do not throw your expectation of who you think they could be on them. That is a burden they will never be able to carry.
Never assume anything, Always communicate everything- The only assumption that is safe to make in a relationship is that you do not know what is going on in your partner’s mind. Ask, be interested in what is going on, and know that you do not have to fix it, just listen. Turn off the TV and Social Media for a while. Just chat, because….. See next item…
Remember you are friends above all- If you are in a relationship that is struggling, forget the problems, forget the arguments, forget the anger... rebuild your friendship and start the relationship from there.
Fall in love again, everyday- Each and every day, find a way to fall in love all over again. For me it is looking into my wife’s eyes and seeing her heart, seeing her essence. I still see the same woman there that I fell in love with many years ago, only even more awesome. It only takes a few seconds and you do not even have to let your partner know you are doing it.
Lastly, know that if you are working on the relationship and your partner is not, it is totally unfair to expect them to grow or fully understand your growth. Communications are of major importance in this situation. Do not try and force them to change, just let them see the change in you. They will either decide they want to experience something similar or they could decide they cannot handle it and may leave. Either way, you have grown and set yourself up to be fully engaged in the healthiest of relationships.
Kenny Brixey