Deal Fell, Back on Market- Online Dating For The Newly Single

I woke up this morning, Sunday at 6:00 a.m., restless from 6 hours of sleep. I crept downstairs hoping to not awaken my 8 year old morning “rooster” to check my email and begin my day.

In my inbox, was a potential “match”, from Singleparentmeetup.com. The profile picture, was of a, er, “larger” man, asleep in a recliner, with a remote nestled in his hand. His hair had receded a bit, (let’s face it, some of us are not 30 anymore- men at this age may lack hair- this is reality) and he had what appeared to be food stains on his shirt. At first I thought “surely this is a joke”, I mean, WHO looking for a real relationship would post such a picture?? After reading his very short profile “Just looking for a good wife”- I realized that no, no probably not a joke.

The compassionate side of me wanted to reach out and write a “come to Jesus” email to this guy and give him a clue or two. I wanted to be the white, female version of Will Smith in “Hitch” and throw this guy a bone. He needed help! But then the sarcastic side of me intervened and I fired back a staged picture a girlfriend of mine took of me, pretending to be asleep in my leather recliner, mouth partially open sawing logs with my kids Xbox remote perched on my chest. In the subject line I wrote “We may just be a match made in heaven”. I was hoping just to put a smile on his face and gently help him see the error of his ways (okay, I did it to humor myself) – but instead, I received rapid fire emails from the guy, wanting to get to know me. I had to finally block him from emailing me but only after politely indicating he must not have read my own profile very well. “Desire active, healthy…”

In my profile, I clearly state “PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU DO NOT MEET MY REQUIRED CRITERIA. NOT BEING RUDE, JUST SAVING US BOTH SOME TIME. BEST WISHES TO US BOTH IN OUR SEARCH”. Look, I’m 45. I have been around the block a few times. I know what I want and what I don’t. For some reason, I get really annoyed when men bypass my little PC “disclaimer” and contact me anyway wanting to “get to know me better. Maybe it’s just because I don’t feel “heard”- a common theme in past relationships that may require a counseling session or two.

In the few months I have been “out there” on dating sites, I must admit I have become rather discouraged. The facial hair (sorry , not a fan) the long side burns and wife beater shirt pictures, the picture of the guy with no shirt flexing his muscles taken by his own iPhone in the bathroom mirror- seriously dude? What is this, Junior High?? And what’s with the sunglasses?? If eyes are the windows to the soul, how the hell am I supposed to peer into yours? What are you hiding behind those Oakley’s? When you hide your eyes, you’re killing any desire on my part to want to find out if you’re really cool in the first place!

I know I sound like a total picky bitch and that with these expectations; I better resemble Kate Upton with all these digs. I don’t. What I do have however, is experience in selling myself out in past relationships. Is it wrong to not want to settle, and to be okay with being alone if I can’t find what I am hoping for?

It is hard not to read a profile or see a picture and pre-judge based on it. Which I guess, if our profile truly represent the “real” us, we would have better luck in finding our most compatible match.

But honestly, this is what I have figured out, simply that most guys- as much as we adore them, well, are pretty much clueless in the area of dating and how to best “market” themselves. What they think is cool, is well, 80’s. Sorry boys, the truth can hurt but that’s part of what we women are here for! Men just don’t know any better and this is just one of many reasons, they need us. So what am I trying to say here, really? I guess that based on their cluelessness, maybe we should not be so quick to judge- maybe we should not assume the guy is an arrogant ass if he describes himself as “Hot” in his profile. Or that if he is standing in front of a brand spanking new Porsche 911 Turbo, he is lacking depth and looking for arm candy (okay, he probably is). Still, you’re going to have to do a lot more than that to impress me, Mr. “DocOneKnight”! And if the guy in the photo , leaning against a tree with no shirt, bad shorts and a beer belly holding a Bud Light in one hand and a fish in the other… that he’s probably just not the guy for me. He may very well be a treasure for someone else. So this leads me to my main point.

Rules for Creating a Profile if you want any kind of success and longevity:

1) Climbing one 14’er does not make you a Mountain Climber- remember the whole “under promise, “over-deliver” theory- Imagine if we all offered this “customer service” in an actual relationship!

2) Yes, having a nice body is not going to hurt you, but the shirt off, muscle flexing, iPhone selfies of you on your profile, will attract only a box of rocks with a nice rack. If you’re looking for arm candy and not someone to bring home to your mom or your boss- keep ‘em coming. Just shave. Likewise, for you ladies-trust me- there are many wealthy men out there looking for arm candy only- if you have no issues with being controlled, obeying orders, limited freedom, no voice and require no emotional needs- keep baring your cleavage in your posted boudoir profile photos and soon enough- you will be sitting on a yacht, with your Prada, your fresh set of boobs, a Black Card in your new Louise bag…alone.
3) “Recent” photos definition: a genuine, untouched, photo of not only you, but you in the past year! We all looked hotter 5-10 years ago. Do you really want to disappoint when you meet in person? Under-promise, over-deliver. A side note here. Yes that picture of you at the company Christmas party was pretty hot, only we can see where you cropped out the hot blonde. Either crop better, or pick another. No-one wants to see a picture of you with your ex. Another important point- no photo, no interest. I am not a shallow person, but we all need to feel some sort of physical attraction and see what we are about to “embark on”. If anonymity for professional reasons is holding you back- don’t waste your time or money on a dating site. For most people, no picture = someone’s hiding something. Fix what you need to and can, to feel confident posting a photo while working on who you are on the inside too. Confidence.

4) Be yourself- 100% in your profile description, which is only really necessary if you are looking for a long term relationship. You want to attract the person that was attracted to YOU- not the person you wish you were, or you thought they would want. Really, how long can that charade last? And when they figure it out, there you are alone again, cursing online dating… be yourself- don’t you want to loved and accepted for who you are instead of resenting the person that you lured in because he/she is now pulling back because you “changed”?

5) If you want someone to love you for you and not your money- perhaps you should be a bit more humble about your possessions. The picture taken leaning back against your Aston Martin or in the doorway of your 10,000 s.f. estate is most likely attracting someone truly interested in your things. You will go broke fast and lose any confidence even faster if you truly are looking for love. Sell yourself, not your financial worth! That is simply icing on the cake!

6) When reaching out to someone that interests you- (this is mainly for you men- girls can get away with more). The whole line, “I don’t usually do this, but here is my number if you’re interested” right out of the gate is a bit tacky. “Interested”? Maybe- desperate… NO! Slow down Enrique Suave`, a little foreplay first? A few emails back and forth will help establish if there is a connection before you just go in for the kill! It’s simply good advice.

7) I cannot tell you how many emails I have received from interested men that have maybe a picture, but barely any information written on who they even are. So when you send one of the “drop down” standard contact questions like “I’m interested, are you?” Interested in what…? You’ve mentioned nothing about yourself! There are a million fish in the sea- try and make this easy for us. Tell us who you are, what you like, your passions, your goals, your interests. If you need help figuring this out, I do date coaching too and for $150 will build you a killer profile… if you’re a killer person! Honesty is always the best policy, especially here.

8) Online dating works very well for some. Life is busy- it is hard to meet people, let alone quality people. It’s nice that the computer can handpick several at a time and get them in front of you in a non-threatening, comfortable, no “cheesy line” giving way- oh wait, scratch that last comment!

I encourage everyone to try it for a while, at least once. But only, if you are willing to follow the above advice and only if, you are looking for a serious, long term relationship or honest if otherwise. One night stands are much cheaper done in a bar (think $6 drink instead of $34/mo dating site fee).

I personally am in the process of letting my subscriptions run out and will not be renewing... though I never say never. For me, I think not only am I not ready and truly wanting a full on relationship. but this time around (I met my ex- husband on Match.com), I think I need to allow it to happen- if it is supposed to- organically. On “God’s” time, if you will. Whether it’s running in to someone at a restaurant and spilling wine all over his shirt (totally me) , or in the checkout line critiquing what’s in his grocery cart, I think at this turning point in my life, I need me some Serendipity! I am working on my “purpose” on this planet, the path laid before me, raising my children and enjoying the person I have become through my own life’s lessons. It’s a good place to be first.