Dial Down Perfectionism – How to Stop Feeding Anxiety

Dial Down Perfectionism – How to Stop Feeding Anxiety
By Peter Lambrou, Ph.D.

There is an old Native American folk story that goes like this. One day the chief of the tribe had all the young ones gathered round to tell them a story. He began, “There is a fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
“One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, false pride, competition, and the need for attention and approval.
“The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, self-appreciation, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, self-confidence, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside of every other person, too," he concluded.
One child thought about this story for a moment and then asked the Chief, “Which wolf will win?"
The Elder simply replied, "The one you feed."

Perfectionism is about the feeling or belief that if you make a mistake or if things are not just so, that it’s a bad reflection on you. It is about self-doubt, the need to have others approve of you, the desire to have order and predictability, and the intolerance for mistakes, errors, or omissions. It can take lots of forms such as a compulsive urge to have your house always clean and in order as if ready for guests. It might be about work or tasks that have to be completely correct, as if a missing comma in a document or a single misspelled word, or a brick out of place along the patio, or being late a bit to an appointment, becomes a big upset that must either be avoided at nearly any cost or which can’t be made up or excused. There are a number thinking and behavior patterns that are connected with panic and anxiety and one of those is the belief, thought, and behavior about being correct or even perfect. The more you feed it the more anxiety you will have or the more difficulty it will be to overcome anxiety.

So, what’s the problem with wanting to be perfect?

I’ll share with you the situation of Jerry, a husband, father, business man, and many other roles that he has in life. Jerry also suffers from severe attacks of anxiety because try as hard as he can, he seldom ever feels ‘good enough’ about his performance in any of these areas of his life. He feels guilt quite often that he’s not doing ‘enough’ to help his children deal with the challenges of their lives in school, sports, and social matters. He feels he let’s his wife down because they can’t afford to buy a larger home. He feels he’s not successful enough in business and that he ‘should’ be more successful.

Jerry has a low opinion of himself; he’s lacking in self-confidence, and has increasingly developed a pessimistic view about the future. His rigid way of looking at himself and the world has caused him to lose spontaneity, and he has become obsessed with having things ‘just so’ and orderly in nearly all areas of his life. His employees feel like he’s always ‘on their case’ about things being put away, forms being filled out exactly correct, even when small omissions and mistakes are meaningless to the end result. In short, Jerry seems to find fault in most other people around him quite easily, but mostly he finds fault in himself. The pressure Jerry has put on himself is enormous and contributes greatly to his anxiety. Plus, because he feels trapped in this pattern he has become depressed about ever breaking out of it. Most recently, Jerry is worried that his anxiety, worry about his health, and generally down moods are affecting his marriage, and it’s his fault – just one more thing to contribute to his anxiety.

That’s what’s wrong with perfectionism. It put a great deal of pressure to do, to be, to manage what is beyond the reach of realistic expectations. Trying to be perfect is both impossible and adds pressure to the anxiety cycle.

Consider a Navajo Rug

The Navajo Indians are known for the beautiful rugs they weave. Yet, what many people don’t know is that in each woven Navajo rug the weaver deliberately has included an imperfect knot, a small mistake, or a piece of yarn left sticking out. On beaded handiwork, one of the beads might be threaded differently to ensure some slight imperfection. This is done as an acknowledgement that the weaver is not trying to be perfect or God-like. So when you see such a rug or beaded hand-craft, you can know that somewhere in that beautiful design is a mistake perhaps even two, as a tribute to being human.

What’s the solution to perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of yourself?

Allow yourself to make mistakes. Even celebrate them as learning experiences. Do one thing each day that is ‘against the grain’ of perfectionism. For example, leave some dishes in the sink overnight instead of clearing and cleaning the kitchen before going to sleep. Or deliberately leave a typo or two in a letter sent to a friend or don’t finish some small task that you would ordinarily feel compelled to complete. Pick one thing each day that goes against your normal pattern of perfection and leave it undone or with a mistake or error.

Then, do some deep breathing or relaxation exercise to manage the anxiety that will develop. Repeating this task of being ‘imperfect’ and calming yourself from the anxiety it produces you will learn that the world doesn’t stop spinning, people will still appreciate you, and that you can learn to tolerate being ‘human.’

Remember the story of the young man with a violin under his arm racing down the streets of New York who stops an old gentleman and breathlessly implores, “How do I get to Carnegie Hall?” The wise old fellow looks that violin, then the anxious face of the young man and replies, “Practice, Practice, Practice.” Like so much in life that we wish to change and improve, that is the key. I hope you wisely use it.