Due Diligence Responsibilities for a Healthy Marital Relationship

Having seeing thousands of couples in therapy and marriage retreats, I finally decided to create a crib sheet that outlines the most fundamental responsibilities that emotionally balance a long-term relationship. Many people think that a solid marriage involves closeness without anger or friction. But that's not what I observe. Good marriages, the ones that remain passionate over decades, are usually very dynamic. There's conflict but it's very constructive and disciplined. In fact, it serves a very important purpose. It helps to strengthen other important dimensions in the relationship such as respect and freedom from inhibiting fear.

Before I detail out the list, let me explain the four domains of due diligence that I've found so critical. The first domain I call "nurturance of attachment." This is the primary reason we get married. It's no longer for survival as was the case in all of history up to the last few centuries. Now we marry for spiritual fulfillment. That fulfillment takes place when we nurture the sense of meaning and importance of each other's lives.

The second domain I call "exercise of hedonic identity." Instead of a fear-based identity of always doing the "right" thing to be safe, a hedonic identity means that you express positive desire for what you want and love. If you don't do this in a marriage then you will eventually wind up with that suffocating, drowning feeling that so many people feel as they wail "I don't know who I am any more!" "I don't know what I want." If you constantly put your desires on the back burner while always deferring to your partner's needs then you will eventually lose attraction. This is when an affair becomes likely.

The third domain is the defense of self from shame. Most people don't understand shame but it's a powerful factor in relationships. Every time you hide and say nothing when your partner treats you disrespectfully you will suck in a little shame into your unconscious. The shame accumulates in the form of unconscious inhibition. It's subtle but powerful. One study in Framingham, Massachusetts found that women who self-silenced in conflict with the spouses compared to women who spoke up were 4 times more likely to die in ten years. Refusing to hide disapproval and disagreement is very important in maintaining passion in a relationship - and perhaps your life as well. This doesn't mean you have to come out swinging. The magic is in refusing to hide. You don't have to win or get your partner to back down. You only have to be out in the open. That way you exercise an autonomous part of your personality and remain strong.

The fourth domain is to protect your relationship from shame. This is your responsibility to discipline yourself to avoid bruising your partner with shame manipulations. Use of overt or implied commands, use of sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling and other forms of dirty fighting would be obvious examples. Stonewalling and refusing to be accountable to objective truth would be less direct but they still damage a partner and the relationship itself over time. It's your responsibility to over-ride your immediate impulse to demonstrate your power and importance and focus instead on protecting your relationship's future.

So those are the four biggies. I've broken down each of the four domains into subcategories of behavior that support each domain. See how you're doing. You may want to share this list with your partner to talk about where your relationship might use a tune-up. Let me caution you however. Many of these due diligence responsibilities depend on how well you can regulate your own emotional impulses. If you repeatedly fail in a particular area you may not need marriage counseling. You might need some individual counseling or therapy instead.

Here's your crib sheet. You might want to keep it for future reference.

Responsibility Domain I - Nurturance of Attachment

Neglect of this responsibility leads to loss of affection and fosters resentment. This responsibility is enacted by:

•Initiation of ways to share FOCUSED attention on each other merely for the enjoyment of the experience
•Curious pursuit of mind
•Affectionate Touch
•Creative expressions of the others' importance

Responsibility Domain II - Exercise of Hedonic Identity

Neglect of this responsibility leads to a sense of lost identity within the relationship (e.g. "I don't know who I am any more" "I don't know what I want." "I feel like I'm suffocating or drowning.") This responsibility is enacted by:

•Exploratory behavior for potential enjoyment
•Expressions of desire for both individual and shared experiences
•Negotiation of shared hedonic agenda

Responsibility Domain III - Defense of Self (From Shame)

Neglect of this responsibility leads to a) loss of attraction and sexual interest and b) development of a defensive orientation involving a loss of creativity and curiosity within the relationship. This responsibility is enacted by:

•Overt refusals instead of lying
•Refusal to remain in an exchange where boundaries are being violated
•Confrontation of broken agreements
•Tactful confrontation of boundary intrusions (thoughtless disrespectful behaviors)
•Refusal to pay attention to the content of global or historical attacks

Responsibility Domain IV - Protection of Relationship (From Shame)

Neglect of this responsibility leads to resentment and distrust. This responsibility is enacted by:

•Disengagement from conflict when either party is emotionally compromised
•Disciplined restraint from intentional attack
•Guarantee of time and place for processing concerns
•Guarantee of accountability to objective criteria and openness to information
•Guarantee of accountability to principles of equity and keeping agreements
•Tactful pursuit of attachment in the future even when rejecting it in the present

That's it! You will notice that a lot of these make sense. The problem is that many people don't have the emotional discipline to prioritize their relationship over their impulses. This list may at least help you to see where you need to develop better self-discipline to improve your marriage.