How to Create A Successful Relationship

Our success in the work world is determined not only by how great we feel about ourselves, but by how uplifted, nourished and loved we feel in our intimate relationships. There is nothing that wreaks more havoc with our mood and productivity than discord with a loved-one, nothing more devastating than a messy divorce.

Do you want to feel the magic of being in love again? Do you want to feel expanded, alive, passionate, fully expressed and surrendered in your relationship? Would you like to feel good about who you are as a spouse or partner?

Creating intimate relationship, a feel-good supportive environment within which to thrive, like anything else, is a skill to be learned, cultivated and perfected.

The Pattern

In the beginning of relationship, we tend to focus on and bring out the best in each other. We highlight our partner's strengths and virtues. We focus on their greatness and their beauty. We tell our beloved what we love about them, what we appreciate, all the things they do and give that we are grateful for and we tell them often. We look for what we love, expect to see what we appreciate and we are delighted to have all of these outpourings of love received and given back in return. We talk for hours, touch and make love often, give heart-felt gifts and our future is full of wonder and possibility. We are enthralled in the deliciousness of how absolutely wonderful and perfect we are together.

As time passes, however, our focus generally narrows to what doesn't work about our relationship and what we don't like about our partners. We close our hearts, shut off our desires and settle for less than what we really want. More than 50% of us divorce in search of a more fulfilling relationship elsewhere.

This sequence of events is not surprising when we realize that most of us received absolutely NO conscious training whatsoever in what it takes to create a great relationship. Any training we did receive, we absorbed unconsciously from the people who raised us, and most likely, they received NO relationship skills training. Yet we are expected, as we find ourselves in intimate relationship, to just KNOW what to do and how to be to create a delightfully wonderful relationship. And just as it would be unrealistic to throw someone into a pilot seat and expect them to fly without training, it is unrealistic to expect us to be perfect partners in relationship without education, skills training and support.

We all inherited dysfunctional relationship patterns that are often much more ingrained than we might like to believe. How many times have we vowed to not say or do THAT again and there we are in a stressful situation doing exactly that same behavior despite our good intentions? We are much more like plants than machines, so positive change and growth, though steady and sure, often does not show up as quickly as we might hope for or expect in our relationships. Our desire for instant results has us lack the patience required for the time it takes to successfully shift relating patterns. But the good news is that regardless of past regrets or failures, we can always learn how to become more effective intimate partners. Simply by putting attention on what we want to create and the little progresses that are made, we can create a climate of hope and possibility within which we can begin to thrive as a couple once again.

The Complaint Trap

As issues arise, which happens in any relationship over time, our view of our partner as being wonderful and perfect in every way begins to slowly change. Perhaps they are not as open to sex as they used to be, or not as attentive or thoughtful, or perhaps they appear more controlling or fearful or jealous than we had previously experienced. At first, we are able to see through their weak aspects to their virtues, seeing them as still fabulous with a little "garbage", and we are patient and understanding as we look for ways to support them. But as breakdowns and problems recur and disappointments mount, we begin to characterize our partners negatively. We invent unbecoming stories about them and highlight what they do that we don't like. Before long, our beloved partners seem to be more like "garbage people" with a little bit of fabulousness.

In an effort to convert our lovers back to who they were when we first fell in love with them, in order to change the unwanted patterns and behaviors in them we don't like, we tell them what we don't like about them and what we want changed. We complain, pout, yell, withdraw, insist, threaten, cry and plead. We work tirelessly to get our point across about what doesn't work about what they are doing and why we don't like it and how they should be different. We are surprised when we are met with resistance and defensiveness and deluged with their own complaints of OUR behavior. Their response only serves to reinforce our resolve that they are the problem and MUST change NOW.

What we don't realize as we fervently try to produce change in this way, is that by focusing on what we don't like and what we don't want in our partners, we actually end up reinforcing more of what we don't like or want. The more we say they are shut down, for example, the more they are or appear shut down, and the more we are apt to once again complain about it. We find ourselves caught in an endless loop of complaint and bad feeling that goes nowhere.

Cartesian Reality versus Quantum Physics

When we complain, we believe we are making an accurate, grounded observation of our partner based on fact. We are certain that we are stating only truth and can easily provide a plethora of convincing evidence to justify our complaint. "You never listen! When I talk to you, you don't look up at me. You don't answer me. You can't repeat back what I have said with any accuracy!"

We are all trained to move this way. We make an observation, make up a subjective and biased interpretation of our observation, and then report it as fact in the form of declarations. We think we are speaking truth when really we are just making up stories about what we see in our partners.

Descartes, a French philosopher, introduced this assumed reality of declaring observations as fact (commonly known as Cartesian reality). Descartes believed the world was a fixed reality that could be objectively observed with our senses and expressed in language. We see a table, for example and we call it a table. We see a room with stuff everywhere and we call it a messy room. We are immersed in a Cartesian reality in our relationships. We move about describing and declaring who our partners are all the time. When we are in distress, most of our declarations are negative. "You never help in the kitchen. You don't touch me anymore." When we are happy and in love, we have more positive characterizations of our partner. "You are so sweet and kind."

What Descartes missed and is now common knowledge in quantum physics, is that there is no way anything or anyone just is. When quantum physicists attempted to explain why energy sometimes appeared as a particle and at other times a wave in their experiments, they were surprised to discover that the observer was the determining factor. It was the EXPECTATION of the observer that influenced whether energy showed up as a particle or a wave!

This startling discovery has effectively challenged everything we know and think about reality. Reality is not fixed and passively observable. It is malleable. We change and influence reality by what we expect to see. When we observe something, we are not just describing it objectively. We are in actuality CREATING what shows up!

Consider the point that we are made up of energy. That means there is no way we just are either. We are energy in motion. We are a set of probabilities. Who you are and who your partner is and how you show up is the result of what you expect to see! It doesn't matter what you were or how your partner was in the past, you can create a new expectation, a new reality at any point just by shifting your attention! This is what is commonly referred to as the law of attraction. Like attracts like. What you focus in on you get more of.

For the most part, we don't act with this knowledge in mind. When we say, "He doesn't listen", we think we are just making a logical observation based on past or present factual evidence. What we don't realize is that we are CREATING him to be someone who doesn't listen the instant we make THAT complaint! We are effectively taking who he has been in the past, gluing that story to the present and projecting a similar story out into the future. No surprise that we get more of "he doesn't listen" when we do this! Declarations rooted in the past are one of the main ways we keep ourselves stuck in relationship.

Play with this and discover the power for yourself. Notice how when you focus on what you don't like you actually create more of what you don't like by focusing on it. Tell your partner you don't like how cranky he is and see if he doesn't get more cranky! Focus on how little you get done in a day and see if you don't produce less!

Take a moment to notice what you unconsciously say about your partner. What is your story about him or her? How would you describe your beloved? Where is your attention? Notice your negative conversations and complaints. By focusing on these unwanted aspects, you have been inadvertently creating more of what you don't want in your relationship.

Focus on what you wish to see

To truly shift our experience of our partner we need to focus on what we wish to see. We need to transfer our attention back to, or forward to, what we love, appreciate and are grateful for. What we focus on grows. Where we put our attention expands.

By shifting your attention on what you wish to see and on what you want in your partner, you do several things. First, you make yourself look for the evidence that matches what you want to create, which surprisingly, is often already there when you look for it. For example, you will begin to notice that there actually are times when your partner DOES listen! When you notice that what you want is already there, you give yourself the gift of what you want in that moment. You have actually created your partner to be one who listens!

You also give your partner a gift when you look for what you want to see. Your partner is now free to show up outside the limited box of your previous negative story. That is HUGE. (Your partner can't show up as one who listens as long as you hold onto the belief that they don't!) Not only that, but you actively feed and create your partner being more of what you want the more you look for what you want.

Experience the power of this creative act with the following simple exercise. Pick one thing to focus on about your partner, some quality you would like to see in him or her. Now, speak it as though it were already true now. You might say, "He listens to me". Anticipate seeing this quality. Appreciate him listening to you. Practice being grateful for him listening. Speak it aloud. "Thanks for listening to me. I so appreciate it when you listen to me!" Expect him to listen. Then take it further. Speak to him as if he has always listened to you. As you do this with delightful anticipation, see if his listening doesn't get bigger in your mind's eye. You just might find yourself completely surprised at how much more you get the experience you desire from this simple shift in focus.

As a relationship coach, one of the most impactful exercises I give couples is to acknowledge each other every day, to especially speak three loving appreciations each night before retiring. We unleash a surge of creative power and love each time we speak our partner's virtues and strengths aloud. There is nothing quite so nourishing and transforming in our relationships as an outpouring of appreciation from our beloved.

Summary

We have the power to improve the quality of our relationships with our speaking and our expectation. By shifting our attention to what we love, want and desire, we can steadily create lasting positive change in our relationships. This simple practice applied allows you to put the law of attraction and the work of creation into play in your relating.

Of course, there is more to relationships than just focusing on what we love and appreciate and sometimes, ingrained patterns require the help of a professional coach to unravel. There are many more skills to learn and develop, like how to work cooperatively through difficult issues towards mutually satisfactory solutions; how to fully express and communicate responsibly truths, desires and feelings; how to deal with intense emotions and triggered responses; how to create safe intimate sharing experiences, both physical and emotional; how to best support each other during challenging moments; how to empower each other to best express and fulfill your potential; I could go on. But by far, the skill that impacts relationship most is focusing our attention on what we want to see and taking the time to highlight what we appreciate about our partners.

Speak well of your beloved. Tell a good story about who they are and what they do. Express your love and appreciation often. Look in your partner's eyes and take time to connect with your beloved's soul. Reach out and touch each other. Take time to work together to add fuel to the qualities you wish to experience and express more in your relationship. Daily look for where you DO experience joy, passion, support, intimacy and love with your partner. Let yourself be surprised at the miraculous intimate and joyful experiences you create with your beloved when you choose to focus on what you want and love.