Relationships end for a number of reasons and sometimes it is the best decision, at the time, for both parties involved. Unfortunately with break ups, sometimes one person is still emotionally attached and may find moving on hard to do, while the other party is emotionally ready to move on from the union. This can be a very painful and emotionally stressful time. There are, however, certain things you can do to make it easier for you to move on from a break up.
Severe or minimize contact
It is important to severe or minimize contact with your ex. The line we can ‘remain friends’ does not work. It has the potential to benefit the one who is less invested emotionally and hurt the other party who is still emotionally invested in the relationship. This is because you have shared a lot of intimate moments with that person and it is virtually impossible to switch off from lovers to mere friends. Maintaining contact slows down the healing process and you may enter into the friendship hoping that by agreeing to be ‘friends’, things will eventually work out. This opens the door for more hurt. Allowing time away from each other by minimizing or severing contact allows you to concentrate on moving on and allows your feelings to transition from the emotional attachment you felt for your ex, with minimal heartache. You need time for your feelings to transition and move on.
Take a break, have a Kit Kat
Give yourself time away from any new relationships. You must give yourself time to take a break from forming any new emotional relationships. Also this prevents you falling into the common trap of entering into a rebound relationship. If the relationship you rebound into does not work, which it usually does because you have lots of unresolved feelings, then your initial feelings of hurt and rejection will be further reinforced and magnified, delaying the healing process. Also the other party is likely to live under the shadow of your ex, reinforcing your belief that he/she was the one and making it will be hard to move on. Take time out to discover the person you were before the relationship, the person you are becoming after the break up and strengthen yourself in the process.
Allow yourself to grieve
When you are happy, you do not stifle your smile. In the same way, when you are sad, avoid being in denial and trying to be chirpy. You have gone through a terrible experience and have lost a part of yourself that you invested your energies into; it is only right that you grieve about this. Crying and grieving does not mean that you are weak, but rather shows that you are human and is part of the healing process. Do not bottle it up. You loved and you lost, it is healthy to grieve. Remember that there is a season to every phase in life, just as you cry now, one day you will surely laugh and the tears you cried will be a distant memory.
Change the channel
When you are trying to move on from a break up, remember that it is okay to change the channel. If you have a favorite movie, song, hangout, perfume, outfit or routine that reminds you of your partner, it is okay to change track and move away from that which brings back the painful memories. Try avoid anything that keeps you in the past. Tell yourself that the reason why it is called a break up is because so much of what you knew of each other is broken apart and this includes all those rituals and shared moments. Let them go and in doing so, you allow yourself to live in the present, no matter how painful it may be. It is not wise to embalm yourself in nostalgia and surround yourself with all the things that remind you of where you have come from. Take it day by day and take it easy. Do not be too hard on yourself as well. There is no need to flee the country. Find your feet and what makes you comfortable; when you are creating new routines in the new life you are building for yourself.
Stella, get your grove back
Take up a new hobby. Find something you like. Reignite your passions. Set new goals. Start a blog. Start running every day Lose weight, cut your hair. You must get your groove back Stella! Be proactive in your healing process. Do not wait to wake up and feel better. Do small things everyday that allows that spark of happiness to be ignited in your life, no matter how short. It is healthy and reinforces your inner conviction to change and move on. A break up can be the best thing that happens to you, If you allow it to be. Open yourself to the new experiences that you can enjoy on your own.. Whatever you do, do it, even if it is with tears running down your face. In time, you will be the change that you are creating in your life
Make like Oprah
Talk your friends’ ears off when those nights and days are hard. That is what friends are there for. Allow yourself to lean on their shoulder and take advantage of whatever support structure they may offer. Do not turn down the offer to attend a dinner to mop in your room and cry. Go out and interact with them. When you break down in tears or get that look in your face, they will understand. They will give you support that you would not be able to get when you are on your own. It is also very therapeutic to talk about what you are feeling. You may not get the answers you need, but you will get a lot off your chest and feel better in the long run. Go ahead, take the couch and talk to your friends, they will help you through the process.
Put it in perspective
Put things into perspective. Look at people you know and those you do not and take note that they have all been, at one point in time, where you are. In life is death, there is a season to everything; into every life a little rain must fall. Do not wallow in self pity. Knowing that someone you know is going through the same thing or others have been there and recovered, will allow you to put things into perspective and detach some of the pain from you. There is a commonality in pain and there is an equal commonality in eventual peace, if you weather the storm. As harsh as it may sound, life does go on; you will love again.
Bridget Jones Diary
Write how you feel. Count your blessings. Count the ways you are happier. Keep track of what makes you happy. Some people find solace on putting their thoughts in paper. If you do, take time out to write how you feel. The good thing with putting your thoughts and feelings on paper is that there is no judgment or recriminations, but merely silence, allowing you to pour your soul out. Write a gratitude journal. Before you sleep, write one thing that you are grateful for in your life and in the morning, meditate some more on this, filling your mind with positive affirmative thoughts rather than think of how bad your situation is. With time, you will begin to feel the gratitude you write about.
Last but not least, there are certain do nots you must absolutely not do. Do not call him or her up, do not stalk his/her workplace, do not leave voice messages; do not call at all if you cant be civil, do not be vengeful or spiteful, do not allow the experience to make you bitter or change the lovely person you were and whatever you do, do not lose that smile.
Time does heal all wounds. It is not a cliche. But what you are and what of your authentic self remaining after the break up depends on how you take and make of the break up
The author is passionate about photography and runs a successful wedding photography business. She is passionate about the human element of relationships and when she is not documenting it behind the lens at http://www.wedding4africa.co.za, she is reading and writing on insightful hints on making relationships and the events that document them work.