RELATIONSHIP CYCLES: THREE EXPLANATIONS

Why is it that when you first fall in love, you think your partner walks on water? You think they are the end-all-and-be-all of the world. Nothing bad could ever happen to you. You are invincible. You are the perfect couple. You think, “If only everyone could have such a great relationship, the world would be a better place!” Then reality sets in. Your partner’s little habits that were so cute in the beginning start to get annoying. You start fighting. You start spending less time together. You roll your eyes behind their back. Why does this happen? Why can’t we just remain in the infatuation phase forever?

The answer is simple: relationships are cyclical. Every couple has their ups and downs. But how do you make it through the lows so you can get back to the highs? How do you make it through the inevitable cycles? There are three areas we can look to in order to find some answers: 1) academic research, 2) energy flow (law of attraction) and 3) reincarnation/karmic ties (law of cause and effect). All three explain the cyclical nature of relationships in a slightly different way.

I am a professor of communication, and I have been teaching college students about phases of relationships for a long time. While there are different accepted models, most generally explain the cyclical nature with four phases of both relationship development and deterioration. Initiation, exploration, intensification, and intimacy are the first phases. Then, when the relationship starts to go “bad,” we have turmoil/stagnation, de-intensification, individualization, and finally, separation. Researchers find that these are definite characteristics to most relationships. They explain what happens in every stage, but they never attempt to explain why it happens. The results are basically descriptive, not prescriptive. That is why I think we need to look at the next two areas to gain a fuller picture of how we can successfully work through the cycles.

In my opinion, it is difficult to study relationships and their cyclical nature without looking at it from a spiritual perspective. It is no secret that we are all energy. Everything is energy. You, me, the pen laying on my desk. All energy vibrating at a different rate. The Law of Attraction states, in a nutshell, like attracts like. In other words, we are like a walking magnet that draws to us anyone or anything that is on the same wavelength. If you’re radiating positive energy, you attract positive people and experiences. If you’re radiating negative energy, you attract negativity. So how does this relate to the cyclical nature of relationships?

Let’s go back to the infatuation/newly-in-love phase of a relationship. Do you remember what that feels like? Wasn’t it the best? Who wouldn’t want that to last forever? Most people have an exciting feeling in their stomach and feel like they are walking on air. Why do we feel like that during that phase? It is because of how we’re vibrating. When we feel “up” and joyous and euphoric and as if we could conquer the world, our vibrational energy is extremely positive. That’s why we feel so good.

On the other hand, think about how you feel about paying bills when you don’t have any money in the bank. That’s the negative, yucky, “I feel like throwing up” feeling. And you have that because your vibrational levels are low.

Relationships are notorious for messing up your positive energy. When we exit the infatuation stage, we lose that euphoric feeling. Our energy level drops, and so does our partner’s. With both people’s vibrational levels dropping, it’s no wonder that awesome feeling goes away. And the sad part about it is, it’s almost as if it becomes a nasty downward spiral from there. Now don’t get me wrong; I am not implying that all relationships are doomed to negativity or that most couples aren’t at least generally happy. But the energy flow between the two people is vitally important. When your partner does something nice for you, don’t you feel better about them? Don’t you feel happier? And when you feel happier, I’m sure they feel happier. Thus, the cycle continues. People feed off each other’s energy. When you go up, they go up (or vice versa). When you go down, they go down. Unfortunately, many couples spiral downward never to find their way up again. But there are ways. You just have to become conscious of your energy flow and make a concentrated effort to keep your energy positive. Appreciate your partner. Do nice things for them. That will send your cycle back upwards.

Finally, we can look to New Age/Eastern religions’ concept of reincarnation and karma (the law of cause and effect) to explain why relationships are cyclical. In essence, reincarnation is nothing but a big cycle. We come back, we die, we come back, we die. Ideally, when we come back, we raise our vibrational level through positive learning. If not, we have to come back with the same souls to do it again (or at least souls with the same vibrational karmic configurations). Thus, we keep coming around until we can learn to keep our energy positive and learn to express unconditional love.

You would think, however, that if you had negative karma with someone that you would be repelled by them. It’s funny how the universe tricks us. During that infatuation stage, we are drawn to them. We all go through that “walking on air” phase. This is necessary in order to participate in the cycle of soul learning. If, for example, when you saw “John” walk through a door, you said “Oh goodness, there’s the guy who killed me in a past life ... I’m getting out of here before he sees me!,” you would never face all the learning your soul needs to experience through being in relationships.

So there you have it: three different ways to explain the cycles of relationships. While the lows aren’t always fun, I encourage you to look at relationships as a game and a challenge. You can have a great time playing a game if you have the right attitude. So get your positive energy flowing, pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Winning the game is evolving as a soul and getting off the wheel of reincarnation.