moving on

Letting go is one of the most difficult things for human beings to do. When our feelings are hurt, when we feel betrayed or let-down, the mind can really latch onto the idea of failure and begin to play a recurring negative tune which eventually drowns out hope, joy and confidence.

When does this most frequently happen? Here are some common triggers:

* when we are `dumped’ in a relationship

* when we don’t get a job we’ve set our hearts on

* when a friend betrays a confidence

* when we are passed over for a promotion

* when we are criticised or sanctioned, for example, in the workplace

* when we are disappointed in the pursuit of a loan, a lover or a coveted prize
Using the first example as a test case, let’s look at why we get stuck in negative grooves and how we can move on from hurtful experiences.
WHY:

*Poor self-esteem/lack of confidence. People with healthy self-esteem don’t get devastated by disappointments or floored by perceived rejection. Lack of self-value causes us to feel every slight in a deeply personal way and see offence even when none is meant. Being `dumped’ is painful but how we deal with it will depend on our general attitude to life.

*Lack of self-acceptance. Finding fault with ourselves makes us expect that same treatment from others. It’s hard to let others love us if we don’t love ourselves or see ourselves as worthy of love.

*Unrealistic expectations/idealism. Love is a two-way exchange,. If you get `dumped’ by someone who never said they loved you in the first place, you have caused that pain to yourself by pinning your hopes on a situation that wasn’t real. Also, if you have a romantic view of love or notions of a `perfect’ partner, the relationship can only end in pain and disappointment.

* Your own history and background/ old patterns of thinking, e.g. feeling conditionally loved as a child or having had past rejections from friends or lovers.

* Feelings of powerlessness. Not having a choice over the break-up of a relationship can cause deep-seated anger and frustration.

* Social conditioning and family/peer pressures. Society views relationship breakdown as failure; therefore, it’s easy to feel humiliated and embarassed by a partner or lover leaving us.

* Insecurity/dependence: Placing too much importance on the opinions of others and looking to them for feelings of value and approval. Those who rely on the love of a partner for self-esteem, social standing or financial/emotional security will be far more likely to feel `stuck’ after a break-up.

* Fear and anxiety. It’s easy to believe that if one person stops loving you, others in the future will too. Worry is one of the greatest causes of negative thinking and is borne of allowing fear to take over.
HOW TO MOVE ON:

*Never place all your hopes and dreams in one place. Have a variety of friends and interests in your life always so that moving on can be done with the help of a network of loving supporters.

*Nurture yourself and don’t look to others to fulfill all your needs. In times of crisis, take time out to grieve/heal and care for yourself as you would a hurting friend. Take long baths, buy yourself some new clothes, have a facial.

* Forgiveness. You cannot move on without resolving the past which includes forgiving and if possible, forgetting - but only forget the hurt, not the lessons gained. Let go of what you think you did wrong but try to find something positive in the relationship itself. Vow not to repeat the same mistakes and hang onto the good times and happy memories.

* Respect others’ choices e.g. if someone decides they want to leave you, look beyond your own ego and pride to where the other person is coming from. Maybe they have a good reason that you’re not aware of and even if they don’t, it’s their right to leave and by honouring that choice, you reduce your own pain.

* Detachment from such negative ideas as fault, blame and guilt. Sometimes, relationships cannot continue and it has nothing to do with either person.

* Always keep clear and healthy boundaries in any relationships. Don’t let the lines blur between your identity and the other person’s.

* Conduct all relationships in a spirit of sharing, not out of need or desperaton so that if one ends, you haven’t given up all of your power. It’ll still hurt but you are only responsible for your half of the equation; you don’t have to understand or explain the rest.

* Clear communication and honesty. Ask what you need to know and be honest about your own feelings and the part you played in the outcome of your relationship.
*Be aware of negative self-talk and mind chatter. When you hear these, gently chide yourself and place a positive thought in their place. Use techniques to calm your mind like meditation, saying affirmations or enjoyable exercise.

Life will always throw up demands of all kinds and challenges to us. It’s your choice how you deal with them and whether they end up being a negative or positive force in your life. Learning to move on in a way that is positive and self-loving means the difference between being one of life’s victims or being the best kind of survivor.