The Not-Enough Consideration: How To Overcome

This blog is part 2 of "The Mother Connection" blogpiece, and is a part of Susanna’s book.

It’s impossible today for any of us to not be triggered around our own “enough-ness,” given how much our culture uses this very concept to demonstrate and than sell to us what we need to feel complete be it; “thin enough,” “wealthy enough,” “beautiful enough,” “educated enough,” and the list goes on… Our challenges with not enough stem from our sense of self worth, which initially develops in early childhood through our mother’s gentle words of praise in mirroring back to us our little girl competency. Having a consistent and repeated experience of this reinforces and instills our feeling adequate and enough. Every mother of course does the best she can, and some more than others will fall a bit short in their capacities to help impart worthiness in their daughters resulting in those girls growing up as I did, with an illusive bar of excellence that can never quite be reached. Our not enough challenges when left unconsidered will source and propel us to excel into our “MORE” using this never attainable personalized measure of success. Or they can leave us paralyzed stopping us from even trying to reach what we tell ourselves is simply unobtainable. The deal is however that not believing in our enough-ness is antithetical to connecting to our “MORE” given that saying Yes to this very journey signifies our knowing deep down we are enough.

Albert Einstein tells us that insanity is: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Often when our Mother Connection experience is one in which our mother’s have not mirrored our being or doing enough our hunger for validation will keep us locked in a perpetual state of over doing. This type of operating formula is a perfect example of the insanity we bring upon ourselves when our self worth goes unchecked. When this happens we keep doing even though we feel exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, or outraged, we do because we think if we just do a little more, we will be enough. Our lives then become defined by doing be it; our staying late at our jobs, giving our clients extra time free of charge, managing the endless details of our families, caring for our young children, overbooking our day, working on weekends, saying yes to projects that we can’t possibly complete on time, filling in for others when what we need is to go home and rest…

When our not enough challenges keep us held back and stuck in believing we can never reach that invisible bar of excellence we have set so long ago for ourselves, goals are hard to set or reach, and routines challenging to maintain. Projects are left unfinished and follow through with communications, negotiations, and intentions are non existent or inconsistent. Challenges around our self-care show up with our having poor diets, inconsistent or no exercise routines, and ignoring the symptoms our bodies give us when we are stressed and exhausted.

Understanding your Mother Connection history of receiving positive assurances and praise for being and doing enough will help you identify if you are operating from a place of needing to prove yourself again and again regardless of your successes and achievements, or if you are holding yourself back. You probably are doing some version of both! Use the journal questions here to initiate your taking a hard look at the invisible bar of excellence you continue telling yourself you must reach or can’t ever so why try. Getting clear on the illusive standards you hold for yourself will help you begin to shift from a place of believing you are inadequate to knowing that because you are enough, “MORE” is possible for you! It is your birthright!

Did you receive positive praise and affirmations from your mother growing up?

Did you wish for more?

Assuming your mother was not able to validate you in the ways you needed, did you try harder to be seen, and be more perfect, or did you set your need for recognition and validation aside keeping it buried deep inside yourself?

Today do you find yourself needing approval from others to feel good about yourself?

Do take on more responsibility than you can realistically manage?

Do you feel like you must always get it just right in your work, or do you avoid or ignore responsibilities?

Do feel like a “fake” in your academic or professional life and worry that you will be found out?

What does your illusive bar of excellence look like?

Now I invite you to use what new or reaffirmed insights you have had about yourself from answering the previous questions to think about:

Where and how do you see your experience of feeling Not Enough with your mother is impacting your moving positively and effectively into your “MORE”?

Please do share your insights below!